Trip from hell
Well, I'm back in New York, just not back in Buffalo... wish I was though... no instead I am in a small town called Beacon, New York, about an hour north on NYC, and home to my girlfriend Erin.
That's at least what I thought it was when I got here.
Let me put it in perspective for you... right now, Erin is in the shower ready to dress herself up for yet another day of being competely fake to the world, and I've locked myself in the guest bedroom, praying to god that somehow she forgot about me and won't come in and yell at me for not having already gotten ready to go out. I have to go be fake to, and I hate it. I wear my emotions on my sleeve, everyone knows that. When I'm happy, you know I'm happy, and when I'm sad or angry, people find out real fast. But her parents, especially her dad, have been so great to me that I can't do that to them, I at least owe it to them to be fake, not her.
And why must I be fake you ask?
Things havent been all too good between Erin and I as of late. Things at school and work have been crazy and I have been very busy. I try ot fit her in when I get the chance, which isn't often, and I completely understand where she gets upset saying that all she is is a fill-in for my down time. I'd like to say its not true, because I really do make time for her the second I have it, but at the same time, that's when I'm all done with everything I've done in the day and so exhausted that I fall asleep while on the phone with her. So I see her arguments.
But paying a decent chunk of change to fly all the way out here to see her over my spring break, at a time when I would kill to be home to support my mother and my family, in a time when I would kill to see my friends and be there for my best friend when he needed me, I came here to see her, hoping all could be fixed and just seeing each other again would change everything. Well, I was right, it did...
For me...
I got off the plane and saw her face and I just lite up. I hadn't flet that way in weeks, not since I last saw her. I ran up to hug her and kiss her and she sat there with her arms folded and said "hi, hurry up it smells in here" while giving me the weakest hug I've ever received in my life. Well I don't want to get into the specifics, but after a few days of pure neglect and not caring about me, I asked her what she really wanted. What it came down to was the fact that to her, her life was here in Beacon, and my life is in Cincinnati/Buffalo and thats how it should stay. She said she wasn't ready to do the long distance thing and that she needed her boyfriend to be here for her all the time which I told her I wouldn't do, I won't leave Xavier.
And that was it. My biggest fear came true. I said fromt he get-go, the moment I met her in Florida I told myself, "This girl is going to hurt you, bad," and it has happened. I cant even explain what I'm going through inside. I'm ridiculously confused and all I want more than anything is for someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be ok. The closest thing I have to that is the pillow Jill made me for me birthday... I haven't let go of the thing for a while now. Speaking of her, it's funny to me to think about how she really is in love with Ben, and could wait a year and half for him. Erin said she was in love with me and coulnt last 6 weeks.
I am in love with her. It seems weird, but I have no feelings, no emotions in my entire body right now.... I'm just, numb. It feels liek theres a gap inside of my where my heart it, like its not there anymore, and I cant fuction without it. My body is constantly hot and sweaty and I'm having a bad dream everytime I close my eyes.
I want to go home. I want to go back to school. I want to be anywhere but here right now. It's friday and my plane doesnt leave until Monday. Good thing I brought homework :-/
If anyone reads this, please call me. I need someone to talk to. Please.
That's at least what I thought it was when I got here.
Let me put it in perspective for you... right now, Erin is in the shower ready to dress herself up for yet another day of being competely fake to the world, and I've locked myself in the guest bedroom, praying to god that somehow she forgot about me and won't come in and yell at me for not having already gotten ready to go out. I have to go be fake to, and I hate it. I wear my emotions on my sleeve, everyone knows that. When I'm happy, you know I'm happy, and when I'm sad or angry, people find out real fast. But her parents, especially her dad, have been so great to me that I can't do that to them, I at least owe it to them to be fake, not her.
And why must I be fake you ask?
Things havent been all too good between Erin and I as of late. Things at school and work have been crazy and I have been very busy. I try ot fit her in when I get the chance, which isn't often, and I completely understand where she gets upset saying that all she is is a fill-in for my down time. I'd like to say its not true, because I really do make time for her the second I have it, but at the same time, that's when I'm all done with everything I've done in the day and so exhausted that I fall asleep while on the phone with her. So I see her arguments.
But paying a decent chunk of change to fly all the way out here to see her over my spring break, at a time when I would kill to be home to support my mother and my family, in a time when I would kill to see my friends and be there for my best friend when he needed me, I came here to see her, hoping all could be fixed and just seeing each other again would change everything. Well, I was right, it did...
For me...
I got off the plane and saw her face and I just lite up. I hadn't flet that way in weeks, not since I last saw her. I ran up to hug her and kiss her and she sat there with her arms folded and said "hi, hurry up it smells in here" while giving me the weakest hug I've ever received in my life. Well I don't want to get into the specifics, but after a few days of pure neglect and not caring about me, I asked her what she really wanted. What it came down to was the fact that to her, her life was here in Beacon, and my life is in Cincinnati/Buffalo and thats how it should stay. She said she wasn't ready to do the long distance thing and that she needed her boyfriend to be here for her all the time which I told her I wouldn't do, I won't leave Xavier.
And that was it. My biggest fear came true. I said fromt he get-go, the moment I met her in Florida I told myself, "This girl is going to hurt you, bad," and it has happened. I cant even explain what I'm going through inside. I'm ridiculously confused and all I want more than anything is for someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be ok. The closest thing I have to that is the pillow Jill made me for me birthday... I haven't let go of the thing for a while now. Speaking of her, it's funny to me to think about how she really is in love with Ben, and could wait a year and half for him. Erin said she was in love with me and coulnt last 6 weeks.
I am in love with her. It seems weird, but I have no feelings, no emotions in my entire body right now.... I'm just, numb. It feels liek theres a gap inside of my where my heart it, like its not there anymore, and I cant fuction without it. My body is constantly hot and sweaty and I'm having a bad dream everytime I close my eyes.
I want to go home. I want to go back to school. I want to be anywhere but here right now. It's friday and my plane doesnt leave until Monday. Good thing I brought homework :-/
If anyone reads this, please call me. I need someone to talk to. Please.