mom
March 18, 1948 Deborah Kay McGill came into this world in Middletown, OH.
October 19, 2005 Deborah Combs Baker left it.
i'm not sure where i'm at right now in my head. my logic centers are hard at work deep in the bowels of the mind, and the various menagerie of PC's have stepped out for a communal smoke break from the mental green room. October the 20th has not been a very good day.
my mother and stepfather were killed in an auto accident. i could expound on what happened, but you all can have the story as it's been printed.
i'm not positive what can i say. i've been going through various motions. i've been all over the emotional gamut, but, i seem to have settled into a bit of gallows humor at the moment--which, is something i got from her. someday i'll tell you about the funeral of her mom... but, another time.
the worst of it is when i have to tell someone. it's the same wound being opened each time. nothing like turning into a gibbering mess when you try and tell your flatmate, brother, or friend. i don't know if it's getting better or worse.
greg flies in tomorrow. john is arrainging for them, so i doubt that they'll be staying here. and here, is Sabrina's. my adopted sister. taking it about the same as i... which in my estimation, is pretty odd. i've not suffered the loss of a parent before. she lost her dad back in august. this is uncharted waters.
details are coming in bundles. their deaths i'm told by FHP were quick. mom never knew what happened. joe hung on for a bit, but expired before help got there. which to be honest? i'm glad. these two fit together really well. i don't want to imagine what would have happened if either survived. in my idealized minds eye, joe hung on enough to know that she was gone, and simply followed suit of his own volition.
joe and mom had only been together for a little while in the grand scheme. they'd been married since August '04. prior to that was a period of time when Sabrina was conspiring to get them together. they dated, and had known each other for the past half-decade. you see, joe was one of the 'silverback' fanboys from home. he was part of the local gaming cabal.
my mother had married a gamer.
a lot of irony in this that mom had tried so hard in my formative years to get me to stop my dnd ways. joe was a gamer, and divorced. a geniunely good guy, he'd fallen into that gamer mindset of "i'm a geek, and i'll never find anyone." which is why he stayed in his first failed marriage longer than he should of. after that, he kind of was a ghost in life. just getting by til Sabrina introduced him to Mom.
Mom on the other hand, had a similar mindset. from birth 'til 93, she had never been alone. parents, dad, me and greg, then her mom again. grandma died my first year in college, so mom was alone for the first time in her life while in her late 40's. it was a very hard adjustment for her. she compensated by buying up oodles of broken animals; but, that's another piece of the story for later.
so these two getting together, was one of Sabrina's miracles (yep, she's got three, full sainthood, i've verified it myself). they had a year plus of marriage, with a bit tacked on prior to. they were happier together in the last year than either of them had been alone for the previous decade. they had each other, were making forward progress, and got to go out together.
we should all be so lucky.
there's a queen song from the highlander soundtrack. 'one year of love'. the opening lines are: Just one year of love Is better than a lifetime alone. i'm a geek, joe was a geek, two of ma's favorite movies are star wars and the matrix, and given the LJ audience... you've probably all heard this song. that line summarizes their relationship, their entire lives leading up to the last year.
i met up with joe's mom aka, ma baker. she's a strong southern lady, who is being tended to by her nieces, joe's cousins. her nieces are also on the ball when it's come to the practical points of this. right now, i'm hopping on their coattails. these women were like sisters to joe, so, i think things are in good hands. they also had mom and joes affects from the crash.
being handed mom's necklace, earrings, and wedding band was a sledgehammer to various emotional dams. the earrings were from greg, the necklace from me, and the band was of course, from joe. the bands were matching and had an equine theme, to which if you knew ma... if it had a horse, she'd want it. i can't even look at it without nearly imploding.
reactions. ma baker as mentioned, is the picture of grace and dignity. i've got a feeling i'm going to lean on her soon. she's lost her only son. the universal initial reaction from people who know Mom has been a question as to whether or not this is some sort of cruel joke. it was my reaction when Sabrina called me. and Sabrina's reaction to when she was told. it's a trend i've noticed. we'd rather believe that one of our friends or family have decided to be particularly twisted than to believe the truth. mom's best friend Becky has been bawling all day. her husband Cliff has taken on the role of unmitigated anger and gall at the driver that did this. Morgan (Sabrina's adopted sis, one of my best friends, and the good witch) is taking it in typical Italian-American fashion.
i don't know about dad yet. this is a horrible way to break the ice with him after five years. and will greg come clean now? i don't even think he knew mom was remarried; he always kept a torch lit for her. this is going to be devastating to him.
their house affects. going home was tough. dogs awaiting masters return. horses impatient for feeding. the house was as it was many times i'd returned home--dormant. on queue for when the occupants return. alarm clocks set, computer on standby. finding legal documentaion is going to be a task. i get my packratting honestly. i've found mom's elementary school report cards, but not her safety deposit box info.
this is just day one without them. the next few are going to be very trying. thankfully, most of joe's family is on the case, and non-confrontational on anything. they knew what mom meant to joe, what joe meant to mom, and how they made a better together than either one was apart. i'm casting a wary eye toward my father and sibling. greg is an absolute wreck, and where i half anticipated i would be. i guess that early predictions are so far true (4 different prognasticators): i get to be the strong one. well, mom leaned on me for that before; i can shoulder it one more time for her sake. but in the end:
thank you joe for making my mom's last year a good and loving one.
thank you mom for bringing me along, and turning me into the man i am today. i'll be fine, but i miss you terribly. i love you.
geoff.