The Skarekro Murda Murda Music Awards, 2006!
The song about driving in a car that you would be least likely to actually listen to while driving a car:
“Ireland,” by Tori Amos
Songs that aren’t about driving, but that make you drive ridiculously fast:
“B.O.B.,” Outkast
“Jumpin’ Jack Flash,” The Rolling Stones
Artist who I most regret giving props to while I was writing music reviews for the school newspaper in high school:
Marilyn Manson
Best song that was probably written on a dare:
“Dear Prudence,” The Beatles
Corniest song that was probably written with total sincerity:
“I Love You,” Vanilla Ice
Rap songs that I sing while wandering around campus and get strange looks:
“99 Problems,” Jay Z
“Onslaught,” Skarekro Murda Murda
“Mona Lisa,” Slick Rick
“Gossip Folks,” Missy Elliot
The best album of all time, past, present, and future, regardless of what happens in the future of the universe (and I’m serious about this):
“Automatic for the People,” R.E.M.
Three albums that always make me think, “I really need to start a band!”:
“Nevermind the Bullocks,” Sex Pistols
“Fever to Tell,” Yeah Yeah Yeahs
“Sparkle and Fade,” Everclear
Musician who most needs to stop working out at the gym and start recording some new bloody music:
LL Cool J
Musician who most needs to stop molesting little kids and start recording more bloody music:
Michael Jackson
Musician who, despite that fact that he works out and molests little kids, is always putting out new music:
R Kelly
The song that absolutely nobody would’ve liked if it weren’t for all the naked chicks rolling around in the video:
“Whisper Song,” The Ying Yang Twins
Musician who I find most talented, innovative, attractive, and enigmatic....yes, all of those things:
Bjork
Songs that I usually have in my head when I wake up, despite the fact that I never listen to them in real life:
“The Safety Dance,” Men without Hats
“Wasted Words,” The Allman Brothers Band
“Don’t Fear the Reaper,” The Blue Oyster Cult
Best Ol’ Dirty Bastard lyric (although they are all, without a doubt, brilliant):
You white Flintstone! Bitch! You sticking your dick in my gravel pit!
Most politically significant Ol’ Dirty Bastard lyric:
I’m tellin’ yall bitch ass niggas! if yall don’t, fuckin, if y’all colored, bitch ass, faggot, punk-ass motherfuckers don’t see that these white people trying to take over your shit... Don’t worry, your baby be happy the ol’ dirty bastard is here, you’re baby be happy that I’m here! they’re beating the shit out of all yall faggot, punk-ass motherfuckers! bitch-ass nigga!
Most embarrassing bands that I’m totally in love with:
Nickel Creek
Candlebox (does anyone else even remember them?)
Alice in Chains
Best song about falling in love with a tall, pale, one-eyed girl from the bayou who has a really mean family:
“Fiona,” by Lyle Lovett
Songs that make you want to puke every time they come on the jukebox at a bar:
“Free Bird,” Lynyrd Skynyrd
“Sweet Home Alabama,” Lynyrd Skynyrd
“What’s Your Name,” Lynyrd Skynyrd
“That Smell,” Lynyrd Skynyrd
“Smooth,” Santana with Rob Thomas
Songs that always produce hilarious results when performed during kareoke:
“My heart will go on,” Celine Dione
“Bohemian Rhapsody,” Queen
Any, and every, rap song.
Coolest long-dark-hair-having guitar gods who rarely talk but always get as much or more attention than the lead singers of their band:
1: Keith Richards
2: Jimmy Page
3: Slash
4: Eddie Van Halen
5: Dave Navarro
6: Joe Perry
Most consistently bad-ass popular country musician:
Dwight Yoakam
Guy who does all kinds of stuff that anybody else would get accused of being gay for, but gets away with it, and gets laid more than anybody you’ve met in real life:
Steven Tyler
Guy who does all kinds of stuff that anybody else would get accused of being gay for, but gets away with them, because he could kick just about everybody else’s ass:
Henry Rollins
Guy who does all kinds of stuff that anybody else would get accused of being gay for, but gets away with it because he’s “asexual:”
Morrissey
Guy who does all kinds of stuff that anybody else would get accused of being gay for, and does, in fact, get accused of being gay:
Andre 3000
Most consistently underrated hip-hop artist:
Skarekro Murda Murda, motherfuckers!
The three artists who, no matter what happens, will always know FOR A FACT that they are most relevant and important thing ever to happen in music:
John Lennon (“The Beatles are bigger than Jesus!”)
Liam Gallagher (“Oasis is bigger than The Beatles!”)
Jay Z (“The best rapper alive, unquestionably”.....also, see any of his other lyrics)
Album that has been in production for the longest, maybe in the whole history of rock n roll:
”Chinese Democracy,” Guns N Roses (Axl has been working on it since 1993, and it’s still unreleased)
Celebrity who I’m most sick of seeing on magazines when I’m in the checkout lane at the grocery store:
Jennifer Aniston (no, she has nothing to do with music. But this is an important issue.)
Only CD which I own, and have never, ever, ever listened to:
“Daddies Sing Good Night,” various artists including Doc Watson and Leon Redbone.
Least sexy songs about BDSM:
“Wet Nightmare,” The Cramps (This is just way too silly. Especially the little ray gun noise orgasming in the background.)
“Bobby Brown Goes Down,” Frank Zappa (I wonder if Bobby Brown has ever heard this...)
“Dominated Love Slave,” Green Day (I don’t even know what to say. This song is fucked up.)
And, finally, the award for the band I’m listening to RIGHT THIS MINUTE:
The Cramps!
“Ireland,” by Tori Amos
Songs that aren’t about driving, but that make you drive ridiculously fast:
“B.O.B.,” Outkast
“Jumpin’ Jack Flash,” The Rolling Stones
Artist who I most regret giving props to while I was writing music reviews for the school newspaper in high school:
Marilyn Manson
Best song that was probably written on a dare:
“Dear Prudence,” The Beatles
Corniest song that was probably written with total sincerity:
“I Love You,” Vanilla Ice
Rap songs that I sing while wandering around campus and get strange looks:
“99 Problems,” Jay Z
“Onslaught,” Skarekro Murda Murda
“Mona Lisa,” Slick Rick
“Gossip Folks,” Missy Elliot
The best album of all time, past, present, and future, regardless of what happens in the future of the universe (and I’m serious about this):
“Automatic for the People,” R.E.M.
Three albums that always make me think, “I really need to start a band!”:
“Nevermind the Bullocks,” Sex Pistols
“Fever to Tell,” Yeah Yeah Yeahs
“Sparkle and Fade,” Everclear
Musician who most needs to stop working out at the gym and start recording some new bloody music:
LL Cool J
Musician who most needs to stop molesting little kids and start recording more bloody music:
Michael Jackson
Musician who, despite that fact that he works out and molests little kids, is always putting out new music:
R Kelly
The song that absolutely nobody would’ve liked if it weren’t for all the naked chicks rolling around in the video:
“Whisper Song,” The Ying Yang Twins
Musician who I find most talented, innovative, attractive, and enigmatic....yes, all of those things:
Bjork
Songs that I usually have in my head when I wake up, despite the fact that I never listen to them in real life:
“The Safety Dance,” Men without Hats
“Wasted Words,” The Allman Brothers Band
“Don’t Fear the Reaper,” The Blue Oyster Cult
Best Ol’ Dirty Bastard lyric (although they are all, without a doubt, brilliant):
You white Flintstone! Bitch! You sticking your dick in my gravel pit!
Most politically significant Ol’ Dirty Bastard lyric:
I’m tellin’ yall bitch ass niggas! if yall don’t, fuckin, if y’all colored, bitch ass, faggot, punk-ass motherfuckers don’t see that these white people trying to take over your shit... Don’t worry, your baby be happy the ol’ dirty bastard is here, you’re baby be happy that I’m here! they’re beating the shit out of all yall faggot, punk-ass motherfuckers! bitch-ass nigga!
Most embarrassing bands that I’m totally in love with:
Nickel Creek
Candlebox (does anyone else even remember them?)
Alice in Chains
Best song about falling in love with a tall, pale, one-eyed girl from the bayou who has a really mean family:
“Fiona,” by Lyle Lovett
Songs that make you want to puke every time they come on the jukebox at a bar:
“Free Bird,” Lynyrd Skynyrd
“Sweet Home Alabama,” Lynyrd Skynyrd
“What’s Your Name,” Lynyrd Skynyrd
“That Smell,” Lynyrd Skynyrd
“Smooth,” Santana with Rob Thomas
Songs that always produce hilarious results when performed during kareoke:
“My heart will go on,” Celine Dione
“Bohemian Rhapsody,” Queen
Any, and every, rap song.
Coolest long-dark-hair-having guitar gods who rarely talk but always get as much or more attention than the lead singers of their band:
1: Keith Richards
2: Jimmy Page
3: Slash
4: Eddie Van Halen
5: Dave Navarro
6: Joe Perry
Most consistently bad-ass popular country musician:
Dwight Yoakam
Guy who does all kinds of stuff that anybody else would get accused of being gay for, but gets away with it, and gets laid more than anybody you’ve met in real life:
Steven Tyler
Guy who does all kinds of stuff that anybody else would get accused of being gay for, but gets away with them, because he could kick just about everybody else’s ass:
Henry Rollins
Guy who does all kinds of stuff that anybody else would get accused of being gay for, but gets away with it because he’s “asexual:”
Morrissey
Guy who does all kinds of stuff that anybody else would get accused of being gay for, and does, in fact, get accused of being gay:
Andre 3000
Most consistently underrated hip-hop artist:
Skarekro Murda Murda, motherfuckers!
The three artists who, no matter what happens, will always know FOR A FACT that they are most relevant and important thing ever to happen in music:
John Lennon (“The Beatles are bigger than Jesus!”)
Liam Gallagher (“Oasis is bigger than The Beatles!”)
Jay Z (“The best rapper alive, unquestionably”.....also, see any of his other lyrics)
Album that has been in production for the longest, maybe in the whole history of rock n roll:
”Chinese Democracy,” Guns N Roses (Axl has been working on it since 1993, and it’s still unreleased)
Celebrity who I’m most sick of seeing on magazines when I’m in the checkout lane at the grocery store:
Jennifer Aniston (no, she has nothing to do with music. But this is an important issue.)
Only CD which I own, and have never, ever, ever listened to:
“Daddies Sing Good Night,” various artists including Doc Watson and Leon Redbone.
Least sexy songs about BDSM:
“Wet Nightmare,” The Cramps (This is just way too silly. Especially the little ray gun noise orgasming in the background.)
“Bobby Brown Goes Down,” Frank Zappa (I wonder if Bobby Brown has ever heard this...)
“Dominated Love Slave,” Green Day (I don’t even know what to say. This song is fucked up.)
And, finally, the award for the band I’m listening to RIGHT THIS MINUTE:
The Cramps!