When you're tied to your feelings...
I went to Karyn's 24th birthday party on Friday. It was such a strange feeling. It felt like something just...hit me while I was there.
She seems so much different to me now. We've been broken up for 13 months now but she's always been around. Since I've moved to Highland, I see her less and less. I've been finally letting go my hold on her. Since I would see her on a pretty regular basis, I kept torturing myself with thoughts of her and I. She was still playing a significant role in my life. Now that I'm further away from her and that she has a new significant other, there is less and less communication with her. Though I would have never thought this for the past 4 years, talking to her less is a really good thing for me. I've mostly stopped torturing myself with thoughts of her (though the occasional Cheaters episode hits home). I'm letting her go. I'm starting to see her as a completely different person. I'm not sure if its because she is or if its because I see her more as a person now and not a lover. I've been able to separate myself from "us." I'm packing away memories of us in a box and putting them in the attic of my mind. With that, I see her in a completely different light. I see her as a person who is completely separate (well, until the divorce is final) from me.
At the party, I saw her living her own life with her clique of friends and family. I really didn't understand why I was there. I'm not really a significant part of her life anymore. Everyone at that party was a significant part of her life. I felt so out of place but, in the strangest way, it felt pretty good. It feels good to be aware of my own progress of moving on. My entire life fell apart and I've been able to pick myself up and get back on to some sort of life. The past year has been the worst year of my life, but I've come to realize it been good for me too. I feel as though I've learned a lot about others and myself. I feel like a better person. I feel more mature. I feel as though I am Matthew Mumper again. I feel...great.
She seems so much different to me now. We've been broken up for 13 months now but she's always been around. Since I've moved to Highland, I see her less and less. I've been finally letting go my hold on her. Since I would see her on a pretty regular basis, I kept torturing myself with thoughts of her and I. She was still playing a significant role in my life. Now that I'm further away from her and that she has a new significant other, there is less and less communication with her. Though I would have never thought this for the past 4 years, talking to her less is a really good thing for me. I've mostly stopped torturing myself with thoughts of her (though the occasional Cheaters episode hits home). I'm letting her go. I'm starting to see her as a completely different person. I'm not sure if its because she is or if its because I see her more as a person now and not a lover. I've been able to separate myself from "us." I'm packing away memories of us in a box and putting them in the attic of my mind. With that, I see her in a completely different light. I see her as a person who is completely separate (well, until the divorce is final) from me.
At the party, I saw her living her own life with her clique of friends and family. I really didn't understand why I was there. I'm not really a significant part of her life anymore. Everyone at that party was a significant part of her life. I felt so out of place but, in the strangest way, it felt pretty good. It feels good to be aware of my own progress of moving on. My entire life fell apart and I've been able to pick myself up and get back on to some sort of life. The past year has been the worst year of my life, but I've come to realize it been good for me too. I feel as though I've learned a lot about others and myself. I feel like a better person. I feel more mature. I feel as though I am Matthew Mumper again. I feel...great.