Instant Pleasure

[mr_mrs_faxsea]

Disclaimer: The characters in this piece of fiction are not my property or creation, they are the property of the BBC and the creation of that sweet Russel T. Davies fellow.
Introduction

The leading object in this story is based on an art piece entitled "Instant Pleasure", made by a friend of ours. Only a truly disturbed individual could come up with something like that and we are most grateful to Graham that he did. I'd also like to thank teachwriteslash for reading the almost-final-draft-version of this story and giving us some pointers that helped get this story to the yes-this-really-is-the-final-draft-so-I-can-leave-it-alone-now-version, and also for not pointing out the initial spelling mistakes.

• Characters: Jack, Ianto, Gwen, Tosh, Owen
• Rating:
  
• Genre: Smut Fun
• Spoilers: none
• Warnings: May cause loud uncontrollable laughter
• Teaser: So now he was cleaning the coffee machine. Again. It had gotten to the point that even the coffee machine wished Ianto would find something else to do

Instant Pleasure

Ianto was cleaning the coffee machine for the second time today. Not that it actually needed cleaning. It hadn't needed any cleaning yesterday either, but he'd cleaned it anyway. He just needed something to keep his mind occupied. Anything, but the matter of the fact was that there was nothing to do. There hadn't been for days. For reasons they hadn't been able to trace, the rift had shown next to no activity for the last couple of weeks. In the beginning they had tried to figure out what the cause had been. They ran all sorts of tests and tried numerous theories. Maybe the rift was healing? Maybe there had been a shift and all the activity had moved elsewhere? Owen had suggested that the rift was in as much need of a holiday as he was or that perhaps it had just buggered of to somewhere less rainy. After all the tests had been run and all the theories had sunk, which took about two weeks, they decided to just enjoy the lapse for as long as it lasted. They could use the time to do whatever business they didn't get done when it was the usual madhouse. Jack had said that if this kept up he'd have to start sending people on foreign missions or maybe even on a holiday. Because of the recent calm Jack had taken the opportunity to go down to 10 Downing street to "have a little chat with the new guy" as he had put it. There was a new prime minister and he was going to explain to him very slowly and very clearly exactly what it was that Torchwood Cardiff didn't do. He said he also had some other things to look into, now that there was some time to spend, so he'd be away for a while. No emergency had occurred and Ianto hadn't been able to think of an excuse good enough to lure Jack back to the hub. So now he was cleaning the coffee machine. Again. It had gotten to the point that even the coffee machine wished Ianto would find something else to do.

Gwen was talking to her fiance on phone. They weren't really discussing anything, just chatting. She was sitting comfortably in Jacks old battered leather chair with her feet up on his desk. She had a clear view of the hub from where she was sitting and she stared out into the hall. Nearest to the office was Owens workspace. She couldn't help but notice that his desk, which was usually littered with all sorts of rubbish, was looking uncharacteristically tidy. Further down Tosh's workspace looked even neater than it usually did. A bit further stood the old ratty couch where they often ate their pizza's. Despite the fact that it was completely worn down and covered in stains it somehow look cleaner. Even the corridor beyond that, leading of to the autopsy room, didn't have a random array of items scattered about it. Gwen couldn't remember if she'd ever seen that corridor empty, despite the warning sign on the wall clearly ordering it so. In the opposite corner Ianto was standing by the coffee machine. Was he cleaning that thing again? Gwen noticed he'd been getting more and more serious with his cleaning habits over the last few weeks. She had thought it best not to say anything about it, but this was just becoming a bit ridiculous. She got of the phone and started walking in his direction.

Jack swept in with his usual theatrical flair. First the strobe light next to the main entrance started whirling, then the siren sounded as the big, thick metal door rolled open. He stepped into the hub just as Gwen was about to walk past him. She stopped and after they had made their hellos a short conversation followed. Ianto couldn't hear what they where saying, but it looked serious. He was just about to walk towards them when Jack spotted him. As he gave her some final instructions Gwen walked of with a determined look. He then yelled out to Ianto
"Ianto!"
"Good to see you sir!"
"You to! And that coffee machine's a sight for sore eyes! I don't know what they where serving at 10 Downing street, but if I didn't know any better I'd almost think they where trying to poison me!" as he laughed he asked "Could you whip me up a mug of your magic?"
Jack was already moving of towards his office.
"I'll be back in minute, I just have to put away some paperwork" he said and patted his coat "and put on a clean shirt."
He was gone even before Ianto had time to properly respond.
As he worked on the coffee he thought that things might finally be getting back to normal. Both he and the coffee machine let of a sigh of relief.

Owen was standing in the pit of the autopsy room, leaning against a wall with his arm akimbo and one foot casually resting on the edge of the operating table. He was looking intently at the items on the table. Tosh was standing behind him, one level higher, leaning on the banister. They both seemed completely submerged in their observations. So much so, that they didn't even notice Gwen as she walked in.
"Ohw" she said, pointing at the display in front of them, "that is well of-putting".
"Really?" Owen said, still looking in front of him, "I don't see why... It's just a bet".
"A bet? What kind of bet could possibly lead to that" Gwen demanded, once again pointing at the operating table.
"Well, Tosh was just changing the batteries for the portable rift activity locator and she was going on about how good they were..."
Owen threw a look over his shoulder at Toshiko.
"You know how excited she can get over something techie, no matter how insignificant it is".
Tosh looked at Owen a bit annoyed and then at Gwen with an almost apologetic smile.
"They really are quite extraordinary"
"Tosh, don't start all that again."
"Well, they are" Tosh said sternly and she pouted her lips.
"That's when I said they probably weren't any more special than the rechargeable Duracell batteries I always use"
"Which they are" Tosh interrupted
"So" Owen continued, mildly annoyed, " I said 'Would you care to put some money on that?' So we came up with this" at which point he spread his arms in a gesture to encompass the items laying on the operating table "to see which set will run out first."
He paused and looked up at Gwen. "I mean we could have done it the old fashioned way, you know, put them in a high energy lamp"
"Or a clock" Tosh suggested.
"But that wouldn't be any fun to look at."
"And we couldn't find any" Tosh said.
"Besides it wouldn't be very exciting for the batteries either, sitting in some scruffy old clock. That would just be so... boring. This way you just bang'm in" he clapped his hands together for emphasis "and hey presto! Instant pleasure".
"We even calibrated them so that they use exactly the same amount of energy" Tosh said.
"Actually Tosh did most of the calibrating." Owen interjected, looking up from the table, "You know how bad I am at that stuff".
"You're telling me you willingly participated in this?" Gwen asked, looking at Tosh.
Tosh threw Gwen another one of her apologetic smiles.
"Oh yeah, she practically came up with the whole idea single-handedly." Owen said while his eyes were drawn back to the operating table and he returned to his previous form of complete fixation "Most ingenious" and then added, to the room in general
"Good one, Tosh".

Tosh was so completely engrossed in the display going on in front of them that she almost seemed to be in a trance. As Gwen looked at her she found it so unsettling she had to look away. Her glance traveled from Tosh down to Owen and following his gaze she found herself staring at the operating table to. A faint humming noise rose up from it. The table itself wasn't much more than a flat metal basin on a support frame. In the shallow of the basin rested a folded cloth to create a sort-of-even surface. On top of that a stainless steel tray had been placed. It was the kind of tray normally used to keep medical equipment on, like scalpels and syringes. Another cloth had been crudely draped over the tray. Despite the fact that the tray was hindered in it's movements by the cloth in the basin it was shaking very slightly, causing it to very gently move about. It's movement most resembled a very weird and random dance of some sort. The cause of the motion was lying on top of the tray. It was a larger than life translucent bright scarlet vibrator happily buzzing away, jammed into an equally jovially flesh coloured vibrating jelly vagina. Every now and then Owen would have to reposition his foot to stop the tray from dancing straight of the table.

"How long have you guys been looking at this?" Gwen asked, not shifting her gaze.
"Oh, I don't know..." said Tosh "Hours?"
"Well, Jack's back and he's looking for you two, he wants a word. I think you'd better come up with a good excuse" Gwen said, still staring "Or at least a better one than that". She didn't even bother pointing this time, she just nodded her head. At that point footsteps sounded in the corridor as Jack's jovial voice carried out in front of him.
"Too late! I already found them out!"
Jack leaned on to the banister next to where Gwen was standing and put on foot up on the lower rail.
"So what are we looking at here?" he asked, throwing a casual glance down into the pit of the autopsy room. "Some sort of cock fight?"
With a slight smile he continued "My money's on the red one."
"That's mine." Tosh said, with some pride in her voice.
Owen, pretending he didn't hear kept his eyes sternly focused on the table.

After some time had passed Ianto walked down the corridor into the autopsy room. He couldn't quite distinguish what was was going on in the pit of the room as both Jack and Gwen where standing in his line of sight. Except for Jack no-one else paid any attention to him walking in. Jack took his mug of the tray Ianto was carrying and gave him a warm smile. Ianto walk passed Gwen and then Tosh, who both mostly ignored him as they took the cup they were handed. All the while he and Jack where exchanging glances and it wasn't until he was about to walk down the few steps to bring Owen a mug. That he saw what they were all staring at. He placed Owens mug on a trolley beside where he was standing and walked up the opposing steps which brought him back next to Jack. He didn't want to distract the others from their entertainment so he leaned closer to Jack and whispered in his ear.
"Did you have fun, sir?" he asked in an as casual tone as he could muster.
Before he had finished his sentence Jack had already craftily, and in one graceful move, taken the empty tray he was holding and placed it on a nearby table, while putting his other arm around Ianto's waist.
"Why? D'ya miss me?" he replied, in a soft tone of voice.
"Well, things have been a bit dull around here for the last couple of days or so" Ianto said, faking indifference, as Jack slowly pulled him closer.
"These's guys must have thought so to" Jack replied, gesture to the operating table with a nod of his head.
"Yeah... not a great help that... I'll not be able to have sex for a week what that image stuck in my mind" Ianto mumbled.
"Oh, I think I might be able to help you over it sooner than that" Jack grinned and gave Ianto a wink. Ianto was just about to lean in for a kiss when Owen coarsely remarked "Do you two mind keeping the chatter down? We're conducting an earnest scientific study here. Maybe you two lovebirds should go get a room for yourselves".
"Don't you think you should offer them a private room?" Ianto remark, slightly annoyed, with a nod to the buzzing mass on the table.
"Well, this is where we keep the spare body parts." Jack said with a big grin.
"As long as they don't try and stiff Torchwood for the bill, I'm sure I don't mind" Ianto retorted, throwing a casual gesture towards the open garbage bin where the wrappers for the sex-toys and the receipt had been carelessly discarded together with a discrete black plastic bag which, in bright pink letters, stated:

Colins Adult Shop
Come again soon!
¶