My journal entries are not true to date these are just from my real journal
I wrote this in march a week after we broke up because I was cheated on.
I wonder if I miss being happy and blinded by love that wasn’t there, or if I’m better off knowing and being sad and being blinded by the tears that wet my eyes. What feelings are real and what are not? Do you love me? Do you hate me? Did you love me? Did I love you? Do I love you? Do I hate you? It’s not that I don’t know what I feel, I feel plenty, I just feel different things from second to second. I remember a song about being two in a million and having one love for each other. When I hear it I can only remember her mouthing the chorus to me, motioning to me and to herself, it truly made me feel good and happy; I hate that now I have to wonder if she was singing for me or if it was someone else. That’s what is really killin’ me. I feel good sometimes now, but it feels so fake and I know it won’t last, not that I don’t embrace it or try and recreate it, but I feel shitty when I wake up and realize or she says something she knows is more than just skin deep. She fights so hard when she thinks she’s losing someone forever that actually means something to her. I truly don’t know if I’d get the same treatment. Does she really care or is she just going through the “steps”. I know I care, that’s how I know I’ll never know if she would fight for me, because I know I’d never leave her 100% even though it’d feel good to be fought for, for once.
I wonder if I miss being happy and blinded by love that wasn’t there, or if I’m better off knowing and being sad and being blinded by the tears that wet my eyes. What feelings are real and what are not? Do you love me? Do you hate me? Did you love me? Did I love you? Do I love you? Do I hate you? It’s not that I don’t know what I feel, I feel plenty, I just feel different things from second to second. I remember a song about being two in a million and having one love for each other. When I hear it I can only remember her mouthing the chorus to me, motioning to me and to herself, it truly made me feel good and happy; I hate that now I have to wonder if she was singing for me or if it was someone else. That’s what is really killin’ me. I feel good sometimes now, but it feels so fake and I know it won’t last, not that I don’t embrace it or try and recreate it, but I feel shitty when I wake up and realize or she says something she knows is more than just skin deep. She fights so hard when she thinks she’s losing someone forever that actually means something to her. I truly don’t know if I’d get the same treatment. Does she really care or is she just going through the “steps”. I know I care, that’s how I know I’ll never know if she would fight for me, because I know I’d never leave her 100% even though it’d feel good to be fought for, for once.