The Continuing Misadventures of Vilma and Ternaldo - The Time Machine
Once again combing through my archives of old writing, I came across another of my Punch & Judy style scripts for Vilma and Ternaldo, and I figured I might as well inflict it upon y'all. Hopefully it'll make you chuckle. Enjoy!
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The Continuing Misadventures of Vilma and Ternaldo - The Time Machine
Scene opens on the living room of Vilma and Ternaldo Bolshenka. Out of place amidst the horrible furniture is a large wooden crate. TERNALDO stands near the crate, talking on a very old style phone.
TERNALDO: Yes. Yes. Very well. We shall see you in the morning. Goodbye.
He hangs up the phone. VILMA enters.
VILMA: Who were you talking to?
TERNALDO: And what business is it of yours, woman?
VILMA: It's my business because I say it is my business, you half-baked lobster.
TERNALDO: How dare you call me that?
VILMA: I dare because I am your beloved wife, you dingbat. Now answer my question. Who were you talking to on the phone?
TERNALDO: I was talking to the owner of that crate.
VILMA: What is that crate anyways?
TERNALDO: It's a crate, Vilma. I thought that would be obvious even to you.
VILMA: Did you just try to insult me?
TERNALDO: I didn't try!
VILMA: That was pathetic.
TERNALDO: That's enough out of you, woman!
VILMA: Ternaldo! Why do we have a crate and who does it belong to?
TERNALDO: It was delivered here by mistake. It belongs to a man named Vladimir Puchinitsky. Apparently he is some sort of science-type man from the University of Kroketskiya.
VILMA: Who would be stupid enough to deliver his crate to us?
TERNALDO: Clearly Mr. Puchinitsky.
VILMA: Well, what is inside it?
TERNALDO: I do not know! It is none of our business, Vilma! Mr. Puchinitsky will be coming by tomorrow morning to pick it up, and we are just going to leave it alone until then.
VILMA: That's boring! You're a boring, stupid husband!
TERNALDO: I am not boring!
VILMA: Clearly, you are.
TERNALDO: I am not going to disturb the sanctity of the postal system just because you want to know what is inside the crate, Vilma. I have more honor than that.
VILMA: Doesn't prevent you from disturbing the sanctity of our marriage every weekend with Widow Kotchka.
TERNALDO: Don't bring Widow Kotchka into this! She has nothing to do with anything, Vilma.
VILMA: That's not what the lipstick stains on your shirt collars tell me.
TERNALDO: Those aren't lipstick stains! They're from Widow Kotchka's delightful cherry pies that she always bakes for me.
VILMA: I'm not one for believing Widow Kotchka has had cherries for many years now.
TERNALDO: And what do you mean by that, woman?!
VILMA: Use your imagination, clod!
TERNALDO: Oh god. Vilma, this is all beside the point. We are not opening that crate.
VILMA: You have no imagination whatsoever. You know what could be inside that crate? Something that might be worth something. Something we could sell for money perhaps, Ternaldo. It's not like you go out to do a job any other day of the week, so you might as well do something to support us.
TERNALDO: Money you say? I am intrigued.
VILMA: Indeed. So, darling husband, let's open the crate, shall we?
TERNALDO: Well... I suppose it couldn't hurt to take a tiny peek inside.
VILMA: That's what I like to hear!
Vilma fetches a large, obviously well-loved crowbar and hacks into the crate.
TERNALDO: Vilma! You do not need to be so violent. The crate never did anything to you.
VILMA: Be quiet, Ternaldo, you're breaking my concentration.
The crate falls away, revealing a large metallic capsule with whirling metres, lights and all sorts of buttons and gadgets festooning it. There is a large, man-sized door that is closed. A sign over the door reads "Time Machine." Vilma and Ternaldo stand staring at it for a moment.
TERNALDO: What is it?
VILMA: Are you a complete idiot? Can't you read?
TERNALDO: There is no reason to be so cruel about my illiteracy, Vilma.
VILMA: It is a time machine, Ternaldo.
TERNALDO: Well, what does it do?
VILMA: Clearly something to do with time.
TERNALDO: I don't trust it. It looks untrustworthy. Like it belongs to secret service, or something.
VILMA: Let’s see what it can do.
TERNALDO: Vilma, no!
Vilma starts fiddling with buttons. The Time Machine begins to flash lights and make warp noises. Vilma and Ternaldo retreat from it and hide behind a sofa. Finally a loud "Ding!" is heard, and the door of the Machine swings open. SIR ISAAC NEWTON steps out.
NEWTON: I say, where in the bloody hell am I?
TERNALDO: It's a monster!
NEWTON: What ho?! Who the devil are you, old chap?
VILMA: Ternaldo, it's talking to us! Do something!
NEWTON: I'm dreadfully sorry, my dears, but I appear to be lost. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Sir Isaac Newton. I was sitting under a tree, and an apple fell and hit me in the head. I suppose I must have wandered off in a daze after that. If you could be so good as to point me in the direction of Oxford, I'll be chuffed to depart.
TERNALDO: It's jabbering at us like some sort of jabbering machine monster thing, Vilma!
VILMA: Be a man, Ternaldo! Kill it!
NEWTON: I say, are you planning some sort of violence against my person? I'll have you know that I had tea with her Majesty only a fortnight ago, and she would be most displeased if you were to attempt harm against me.
TERNALDO: I'm afraid, Vilma!
VILMA: Oh, alright, I'll do it!
Vilma runs at Sir Isaac Newton with the crowbar. He screams and runs into an adjoining room of the Bolshenka residence. Vilma chases after him. Bloody carnage is heard from offstage. Vilma re-enters after a moment, her crowbar red with blood.
VILMA: Why do I always have to be the man around here?
Suddenly Vilma begins to walk very lightly, as though her weight has decreased. She looks puzzled. Ternaldo walks towards her, also as if his weight has decreased.
TERNALDO: Vilma, what is going on? Why does it feel like I could float?
VILMA: It is almost as if gravity has ceased to function. Ternaldo! This is clearly all your fault!
TERNALDO: My fault?!
VILMA: Everything is your fault. It's probably something to do with all that time you spend at Widow Kotchka's.
TERNALDO: Again you bring Widow Kotchka into this! I tell you, Vilma, she is a delightful woman!
VILMA: Well given you having grown up with your mother, I do not expect you to have good taste.
TERNALDO: You're right, I married you!
VILMA: How dare you?!
TERNALDO: I am leaving!
VILMA: Oh, to Widow Kotchka's house then?
TERNALDO: If you must know, then yes. At least she gives me respect.
VILMA: Oh, I'll give you respect!
Vilma starts to chase after Ternaldo with the crowbar. They very slowly retreat towards the door.
TERNALDO: Vilma! No!
End.
~ ~ ~
The Continuing Misadventures of Vilma and Ternaldo - The Time Machine
Scene opens on the living room of Vilma and Ternaldo Bolshenka. Out of place amidst the horrible furniture is a large wooden crate. TERNALDO stands near the crate, talking on a very old style phone.
TERNALDO: Yes. Yes. Very well. We shall see you in the morning. Goodbye.
He hangs up the phone. VILMA enters.
VILMA: Who were you talking to?
TERNALDO: And what business is it of yours, woman?
VILMA: It's my business because I say it is my business, you half-baked lobster.
TERNALDO: How dare you call me that?
VILMA: I dare because I am your beloved wife, you dingbat. Now answer my question. Who were you talking to on the phone?
TERNALDO: I was talking to the owner of that crate.
VILMA: What is that crate anyways?
TERNALDO: It's a crate, Vilma. I thought that would be obvious even to you.
VILMA: Did you just try to insult me?
TERNALDO: I didn't try!
VILMA: That was pathetic.
TERNALDO: That's enough out of you, woman!
VILMA: Ternaldo! Why do we have a crate and who does it belong to?
TERNALDO: It was delivered here by mistake. It belongs to a man named Vladimir Puchinitsky. Apparently he is some sort of science-type man from the University of Kroketskiya.
VILMA: Who would be stupid enough to deliver his crate to us?
TERNALDO: Clearly Mr. Puchinitsky.
VILMA: Well, what is inside it?
TERNALDO: I do not know! It is none of our business, Vilma! Mr. Puchinitsky will be coming by tomorrow morning to pick it up, and we are just going to leave it alone until then.
VILMA: That's boring! You're a boring, stupid husband!
TERNALDO: I am not boring!
VILMA: Clearly, you are.
TERNALDO: I am not going to disturb the sanctity of the postal system just because you want to know what is inside the crate, Vilma. I have more honor than that.
VILMA: Doesn't prevent you from disturbing the sanctity of our marriage every weekend with Widow Kotchka.
TERNALDO: Don't bring Widow Kotchka into this! She has nothing to do with anything, Vilma.
VILMA: That's not what the lipstick stains on your shirt collars tell me.
TERNALDO: Those aren't lipstick stains! They're from Widow Kotchka's delightful cherry pies that she always bakes for me.
VILMA: I'm not one for believing Widow Kotchka has had cherries for many years now.
TERNALDO: And what do you mean by that, woman?!
VILMA: Use your imagination, clod!
TERNALDO: Oh god. Vilma, this is all beside the point. We are not opening that crate.
VILMA: You have no imagination whatsoever. You know what could be inside that crate? Something that might be worth something. Something we could sell for money perhaps, Ternaldo. It's not like you go out to do a job any other day of the week, so you might as well do something to support us.
TERNALDO: Money you say? I am intrigued.
VILMA: Indeed. So, darling husband, let's open the crate, shall we?
TERNALDO: Well... I suppose it couldn't hurt to take a tiny peek inside.
VILMA: That's what I like to hear!
Vilma fetches a large, obviously well-loved crowbar and hacks into the crate.
TERNALDO: Vilma! You do not need to be so violent. The crate never did anything to you.
VILMA: Be quiet, Ternaldo, you're breaking my concentration.
The crate falls away, revealing a large metallic capsule with whirling metres, lights and all sorts of buttons and gadgets festooning it. There is a large, man-sized door that is closed. A sign over the door reads "Time Machine." Vilma and Ternaldo stand staring at it for a moment.
TERNALDO: What is it?
VILMA: Are you a complete idiot? Can't you read?
TERNALDO: There is no reason to be so cruel about my illiteracy, Vilma.
VILMA: It is a time machine, Ternaldo.
TERNALDO: Well, what does it do?
VILMA: Clearly something to do with time.
TERNALDO: I don't trust it. It looks untrustworthy. Like it belongs to secret service, or something.
VILMA: Let’s see what it can do.
TERNALDO: Vilma, no!
Vilma starts fiddling with buttons. The Time Machine begins to flash lights and make warp noises. Vilma and Ternaldo retreat from it and hide behind a sofa. Finally a loud "Ding!" is heard, and the door of the Machine swings open. SIR ISAAC NEWTON steps out.
NEWTON: I say, where in the bloody hell am I?
TERNALDO: It's a monster!
NEWTON: What ho?! Who the devil are you, old chap?
VILMA: Ternaldo, it's talking to us! Do something!
NEWTON: I'm dreadfully sorry, my dears, but I appear to be lost. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Sir Isaac Newton. I was sitting under a tree, and an apple fell and hit me in the head. I suppose I must have wandered off in a daze after that. If you could be so good as to point me in the direction of Oxford, I'll be chuffed to depart.
TERNALDO: It's jabbering at us like some sort of jabbering machine monster thing, Vilma!
VILMA: Be a man, Ternaldo! Kill it!
NEWTON: I say, are you planning some sort of violence against my person? I'll have you know that I had tea with her Majesty only a fortnight ago, and she would be most displeased if you were to attempt harm against me.
TERNALDO: I'm afraid, Vilma!
VILMA: Oh, alright, I'll do it!
Vilma runs at Sir Isaac Newton with the crowbar. He screams and runs into an adjoining room of the Bolshenka residence. Vilma chases after him. Bloody carnage is heard from offstage. Vilma re-enters after a moment, her crowbar red with blood.
VILMA: Why do I always have to be the man around here?
Suddenly Vilma begins to walk very lightly, as though her weight has decreased. She looks puzzled. Ternaldo walks towards her, also as if his weight has decreased.
TERNALDO: Vilma, what is going on? Why does it feel like I could float?
VILMA: It is almost as if gravity has ceased to function. Ternaldo! This is clearly all your fault!
TERNALDO: My fault?!
VILMA: Everything is your fault. It's probably something to do with all that time you spend at Widow Kotchka's.
TERNALDO: Again you bring Widow Kotchka into this! I tell you, Vilma, she is a delightful woman!
VILMA: Well given you having grown up with your mother, I do not expect you to have good taste.
TERNALDO: You're right, I married you!
VILMA: How dare you?!
TERNALDO: I am leaving!
VILMA: Oh, to Widow Kotchka's house then?
TERNALDO: If you must know, then yes. At least she gives me respect.
VILMA: Oh, I'll give you respect!
Vilma starts to chase after Ternaldo with the crowbar. They very slowly retreat towards the door.
TERNALDO: Vilma! No!
End.