Script - Family
This is just a little something I wrote today. It's very fluffy. Very fluffy. To the point of there's nothing remotely dark about it, which is very odd for my writing, I know. I thought it was kind of funny and cute, so I'm posting it here for your amusement. Enjoy!
Family
DOCTOR: So. You’re here to get help in making a family.
ALICE: That’s right.
MARC: Yup.
DOCTOR: Okay. All four of you.
TRISHA: Mm hmm.
JAMES: You bet.
DOCTOR: I see... So... You’re all gay, then.
ALICE: Oh no, no no.
JAMES: Not at all.
TRISHA: Lesbian.
ALICE: Omnisexual.
MARC: Queer!
JAMES: I’m gay.
DOCTOR: Ah. Forgive me.
ALICE: Don’t worry about it.
MARC: We get it a lot.
DOCTOR: Alright, let me just try to get everything straight - er - figured out. Which one of you is going to be the mother?
ALICE, TRISHA & JAMES: Me.
DOCTOR: What?
MARC: Stop confusing her. None of us are going to be the “mother,” Doctor.
ALICE: Well that’s not really true, Marc. I still want to be a mommy.
JAMES: Me too!
MARC: Sweetheart, you’re not going to be a mommy. We talked about this.
TRISHA: We’re going to do away with archaic terms like Mother and Father. They’re leftover symbols of the heterosexual patriarchy that denote gender roles that we don’t adhere to.
ALICE: I think that’s being a little too complex about it.
JAMES: We’re still obviously going to do mommy and daddy things.
TRISHA: Well of course we are, but we’re just not going to actually be mommies and daddies.
MARC: We’re going to make up new terms for the baby to call us.
ALICE: That’s one idea, Marc.
JAMES: Alice, I think it’s a good idea.
ALICE: Can’t we just let the baby call us by our first names? I think it’ll be much more simple for everyone involved.
TRISHA: But why shouldn’t we have our own titles? Why should they be the realm of the straight majority only? I think making up our own words is a great idea.
JAMES: I’m going to be the Moopsy.
TRISHA: No you’re not, James. That’s a dumb word.
JAMES: I like it!
TRISHA: You won’t like it when the baby is twelve and thinks you’re the lamest person in the world ever.
MARC: Perhaps we can get back on track here, guys?
ALICE: Yes, sorry Doctor. Does that answer your question?
A brief pause.
DOCTOR: Not really, no. I meant, which one of you is going to be... erm... carrying the foetus?
TRISHA: Oh. That’ll be Alice.
ALICE: My gyn said I had a very hospitable womb!
JAMES: TMI, Alice.
ALICE: Shut up, James!
DOCTOR: Alright, so you’ll be carrying.
ALICE: Yes.
TRISHA: But.
DOCTOR: But?
ALICE: Oh yes, but.
DOCTOR: But what?
MARC: We want to use Alice’s uterus, but one of Trisha’s eggs.
JAMES: Like a surrogate! We saw a show about it on TLC. You can do that right?
TRISHA: We’re more informed than just watching TLC, Doctor, I promise. We actually have read a lot of the literature about it. We’d like you to use one of my eggs in the fertilization process.
DOCTOR: Oh. Well yes, of course we can do that. Not a problem.
JAMES: Oh good.
MARC: (hugging James) See, I told you.
DOCTOR: Alright, so we’ll harvest some of Trisha’s eggs, and fertilize one then embed it into Alice’s uterus. Now, who’s going to be the father - erm... the male whose sperm we’ll be using?
JAMES: Okay, on this episode of Brothers and Sisters, they mixed together the sperm of three different brothers so that no one would ever know who the exact father is, and that way they’d all be the dads. Can we do that?
ALICE: We really want all of us to be involved, Doctor.
MARC: We’re a family.
DOCTOR: Okay, stop. I have to ask, how exactly does this... relationship work? I’m sorry if it sounds rude, but I’m just very curious.
TRISHA: It’s alright, we don’t think it’s rude to ask.
MARC: I’m surprised you waited so long.
DOCTOR: So, are you two couples who are having a kid together?
JAMES: Sort of!
ALICE: James is my best, best friend. We’ve been together since our first year in university.
JAMES: And we always said that if push came to shove, we’d have a baby together. Like Madonna and Rupert Everett. Or Will and Grace! Although it didn’t really work out so well for them.
MARC: James and I were seeing each other off and on for a long time, and I was also seeing Alice sometimes.
DOCTOR: Wait, so you were sleeping with both of them?
ALICE: Yes.
JAMES: He’s such a slut.
MARC: You love it.
DOCTOR: So the three of you were together?
ALICE: Oh no, me and James were never... y’know.
JAMES: Intimate.
ALICE: It would be so gross!
JAMES: So gross.
MARC: But I like men and women, and they’re both cool with that.
DOCTOR: (to Trisha) So where do you come in?
TRISHA: I’ve been with Alice for five years.
DOCTOR: But I thought you were with Marc.
ALICE: I can be sexually intimate with more than one person.
DOCTOR: That doesn’t bother you?
TRISHA: Why should it? Alice is omnisexual, and I don’t have a penis. So I can’t fulfill all of her sexual desires. Besides, I love Marc and James too. Just not in a way where I want in their pants.
JAMES: Trisha doesn’t like penises.
TRISHA: It’s true. I think they’re weird looking.
JAMES: I feel the same way about vaginas.
TRISHA: The vagina is a beautiful thing, James.
JAMES: La la la! Not listening to this again!
DOCTOR: Okay then. So. Trisha is with Alice, who also sleeps with Marc, who is also with James. So what do the two of you do when Alice and Marc are...?
JAMES: We have tea.
TRISHA: It’s very good tea.
MARC: All in all we have a good time together.
DOCTOR: Doesn’t it ever get confusing?
ALICE: Not really.
DOCTOR: And none of you ever get jealous?
JAMES: We used to, especially me and Trisha. Sometimes it’s hard to be the ones on the outside of sex. But we’ve all grown. And sex isn’t everything, y’know.
MARC: We all love each other.
There is a knock at the door.
DOCTOR: Yes?
The door opens.
RECEPTIONIST: I’m sorry, Doctor, for interrupting, but-
She is pushed aside by MARGARET.
MARGARET: Aren’t you four done yet? We still have to go shopping for Alice’s maternity clothes!
ALICE: Oh god.
JAMES: Mom, please! We’re trying to work out the details with the Doctor still!
MARGARET: Well it shouldn’t be taking this long. Hi, I’m Margaret.
DOCTOR: Very nice to meet you...
ALICE: We won’t be much longer, Mom.
DOCTOR: Whose mother are you, exactly?
MARGARET: Oh they’re all mine.
DOCTOR: ... What?
TRISHA: Not literally, of course.
MARC: There are some taboos even we aren’t going to break.
JAMES: She’s my mother.
MARGARET: But they’re all my babies. And soon I’ll have a granddaughter too.
MARC: Or grandson.
MARGARET: Maybe both!
ALICE: I’m not sure I want to be carrying twins.
DOCTOR: And you’re okay with all of this?
MARGARET: Oh my, yes! I’m very pro-gay.
Trisha coughs.
MARGARET: Sorry, honey. I’m also pro-lesbian, pro-omnisexual and pro-queer. I’m just pro.
JAMES: Mom!
MARGARET: What? I’m just being supportive!
JAMES: Could you please just let us finish up in here? We’ll be out in a few minutes.
MARGARET: Well hurry up. Your father is out in the minivan, and you know how he gets when he has to wait for more than three minutes for anything. And we do have reservations at 5 with Carol and Steven and Nicky and George. We can’t be late. Very nice to meet you, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Charmed.
Margaret leaves.
DOCTOR: Well then.
JAMES: I’m sorry about that.
MARC: Stop apologizing, hun. We all love Mom.
DOCTOR: It’s quite all right. I don’t think we have too much more to do right now. We’ll schedule up a followup appointment to make sure that everyone is good and fertile, and then we’ll set a time to do the egg harvest and get underway making this baby.
ALICE: Oh Doctor, thank you so much.
TRISHA: We really appreciate the help.
JAMES: I can’t wait!
DOCTOR: Not at all. You’re the most interesting family I’ve ever had come in here.
MARC: That doesn’t surprise me very much.
ALICE: We should get going, guys.
TRISHA: Yes, thank you again, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Don’t worry about it. You can set up the check ups with my receptionist on your way out.
They exit.
DOCTOR: Man, I wish I had three husbands. Or wives. Or... whatever.
Fin.
Family
DOCTOR: So. You’re here to get help in making a family.
ALICE: That’s right.
MARC: Yup.
DOCTOR: Okay. All four of you.
TRISHA: Mm hmm.
JAMES: You bet.
DOCTOR: I see... So... You’re all gay, then.
ALICE: Oh no, no no.
JAMES: Not at all.
TRISHA: Lesbian.
ALICE: Omnisexual.
MARC: Queer!
JAMES: I’m gay.
DOCTOR: Ah. Forgive me.
ALICE: Don’t worry about it.
MARC: We get it a lot.
DOCTOR: Alright, let me just try to get everything straight - er - figured out. Which one of you is going to be the mother?
ALICE, TRISHA & JAMES: Me.
DOCTOR: What?
MARC: Stop confusing her. None of us are going to be the “mother,” Doctor.
ALICE: Well that’s not really true, Marc. I still want to be a mommy.
JAMES: Me too!
MARC: Sweetheart, you’re not going to be a mommy. We talked about this.
TRISHA: We’re going to do away with archaic terms like Mother and Father. They’re leftover symbols of the heterosexual patriarchy that denote gender roles that we don’t adhere to.
ALICE: I think that’s being a little too complex about it.
JAMES: We’re still obviously going to do mommy and daddy things.
TRISHA: Well of course we are, but we’re just not going to actually be mommies and daddies.
MARC: We’re going to make up new terms for the baby to call us.
ALICE: That’s one idea, Marc.
JAMES: Alice, I think it’s a good idea.
ALICE: Can’t we just let the baby call us by our first names? I think it’ll be much more simple for everyone involved.
TRISHA: But why shouldn’t we have our own titles? Why should they be the realm of the straight majority only? I think making up our own words is a great idea.
JAMES: I’m going to be the Moopsy.
TRISHA: No you’re not, James. That’s a dumb word.
JAMES: I like it!
TRISHA: You won’t like it when the baby is twelve and thinks you’re the lamest person in the world ever.
MARC: Perhaps we can get back on track here, guys?
ALICE: Yes, sorry Doctor. Does that answer your question?
A brief pause.
DOCTOR: Not really, no. I meant, which one of you is going to be... erm... carrying the foetus?
TRISHA: Oh. That’ll be Alice.
ALICE: My gyn said I had a very hospitable womb!
JAMES: TMI, Alice.
ALICE: Shut up, James!
DOCTOR: Alright, so you’ll be carrying.
ALICE: Yes.
TRISHA: But.
DOCTOR: But?
ALICE: Oh yes, but.
DOCTOR: But what?
MARC: We want to use Alice’s uterus, but one of Trisha’s eggs.
JAMES: Like a surrogate! We saw a show about it on TLC. You can do that right?
TRISHA: We’re more informed than just watching TLC, Doctor, I promise. We actually have read a lot of the literature about it. We’d like you to use one of my eggs in the fertilization process.
DOCTOR: Oh. Well yes, of course we can do that. Not a problem.
JAMES: Oh good.
MARC: (hugging James) See, I told you.
DOCTOR: Alright, so we’ll harvest some of Trisha’s eggs, and fertilize one then embed it into Alice’s uterus. Now, who’s going to be the father - erm... the male whose sperm we’ll be using?
JAMES: Okay, on this episode of Brothers and Sisters, they mixed together the sperm of three different brothers so that no one would ever know who the exact father is, and that way they’d all be the dads. Can we do that?
ALICE: We really want all of us to be involved, Doctor.
MARC: We’re a family.
DOCTOR: Okay, stop. I have to ask, how exactly does this... relationship work? I’m sorry if it sounds rude, but I’m just very curious.
TRISHA: It’s alright, we don’t think it’s rude to ask.
MARC: I’m surprised you waited so long.
DOCTOR: So, are you two couples who are having a kid together?
JAMES: Sort of!
ALICE: James is my best, best friend. We’ve been together since our first year in university.
JAMES: And we always said that if push came to shove, we’d have a baby together. Like Madonna and Rupert Everett. Or Will and Grace! Although it didn’t really work out so well for them.
MARC: James and I were seeing each other off and on for a long time, and I was also seeing Alice sometimes.
DOCTOR: Wait, so you were sleeping with both of them?
ALICE: Yes.
JAMES: He’s such a slut.
MARC: You love it.
DOCTOR: So the three of you were together?
ALICE: Oh no, me and James were never... y’know.
JAMES: Intimate.
ALICE: It would be so gross!
JAMES: So gross.
MARC: But I like men and women, and they’re both cool with that.
DOCTOR: (to Trisha) So where do you come in?
TRISHA: I’ve been with Alice for five years.
DOCTOR: But I thought you were with Marc.
ALICE: I can be sexually intimate with more than one person.
DOCTOR: That doesn’t bother you?
TRISHA: Why should it? Alice is omnisexual, and I don’t have a penis. So I can’t fulfill all of her sexual desires. Besides, I love Marc and James too. Just not in a way where I want in their pants.
JAMES: Trisha doesn’t like penises.
TRISHA: It’s true. I think they’re weird looking.
JAMES: I feel the same way about vaginas.
TRISHA: The vagina is a beautiful thing, James.
JAMES: La la la! Not listening to this again!
DOCTOR: Okay then. So. Trisha is with Alice, who also sleeps with Marc, who is also with James. So what do the two of you do when Alice and Marc are...?
JAMES: We have tea.
TRISHA: It’s very good tea.
MARC: All in all we have a good time together.
DOCTOR: Doesn’t it ever get confusing?
ALICE: Not really.
DOCTOR: And none of you ever get jealous?
JAMES: We used to, especially me and Trisha. Sometimes it’s hard to be the ones on the outside of sex. But we’ve all grown. And sex isn’t everything, y’know.
MARC: We all love each other.
There is a knock at the door.
DOCTOR: Yes?
The door opens.
RECEPTIONIST: I’m sorry, Doctor, for interrupting, but-
She is pushed aside by MARGARET.
MARGARET: Aren’t you four done yet? We still have to go shopping for Alice’s maternity clothes!
ALICE: Oh god.
JAMES: Mom, please! We’re trying to work out the details with the Doctor still!
MARGARET: Well it shouldn’t be taking this long. Hi, I’m Margaret.
DOCTOR: Very nice to meet you...
ALICE: We won’t be much longer, Mom.
DOCTOR: Whose mother are you, exactly?
MARGARET: Oh they’re all mine.
DOCTOR: ... What?
TRISHA: Not literally, of course.
MARC: There are some taboos even we aren’t going to break.
JAMES: She’s my mother.
MARGARET: But they’re all my babies. And soon I’ll have a granddaughter too.
MARC: Or grandson.
MARGARET: Maybe both!
ALICE: I’m not sure I want to be carrying twins.
DOCTOR: And you’re okay with all of this?
MARGARET: Oh my, yes! I’m very pro-gay.
Trisha coughs.
MARGARET: Sorry, honey. I’m also pro-lesbian, pro-omnisexual and pro-queer. I’m just pro.
JAMES: Mom!
MARGARET: What? I’m just being supportive!
JAMES: Could you please just let us finish up in here? We’ll be out in a few minutes.
MARGARET: Well hurry up. Your father is out in the minivan, and you know how he gets when he has to wait for more than three minutes for anything. And we do have reservations at 5 with Carol and Steven and Nicky and George. We can’t be late. Very nice to meet you, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Charmed.
Margaret leaves.
DOCTOR: Well then.
JAMES: I’m sorry about that.
MARC: Stop apologizing, hun. We all love Mom.
DOCTOR: It’s quite all right. I don’t think we have too much more to do right now. We’ll schedule up a followup appointment to make sure that everyone is good and fertile, and then we’ll set a time to do the egg harvest and get underway making this baby.
ALICE: Oh Doctor, thank you so much.
TRISHA: We really appreciate the help.
JAMES: I can’t wait!
DOCTOR: Not at all. You’re the most interesting family I’ve ever had come in here.
MARC: That doesn’t surprise me very much.
ALICE: We should get going, guys.
TRISHA: Yes, thank you again, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Don’t worry about it. You can set up the check ups with my receptionist on your way out.
They exit.
DOCTOR: Man, I wish I had three husbands. Or wives. Or... whatever.
Fin.