(no subject)
(I seem to have forgotten the warmth of the sun)
My job makes me feel weird.
As a tech support person my whole job is based on helping people.
And, in general, I hate people.
In turn, I do derive a sense of satisfaction from helping the people I deal with.
So, the end result of my job is some form of satisfaction derived from helping thsoe that I hate.
Sometimes, however, the hate prevails and I just cannot stand what I am doing, especially when those I am helping resent my help.
The conclusion, here, is that I sometimes provide help that is not "allowed" by my employer to an unrequited sentiment.
I guess the real weirdness here is that I'm pretty sociable when I'm with the peoplee I know, the people that I do in fact like, and that this cannot be applied to the general populace.
I notice this week that I feel very anxious when confronted with something as simple as sitting next to another person on a bus. I;d much rather stand thatn have to sit beside someone.
And further to that, I realized today that I don't mind people looking at me or whatever when I intend a look to be given (such as acting like an idiot in public), but feel uncomfortable when people look at me when I'm not doing anything.
And I guess this leads into my inherent fear of girls, my fear of relationships, my fear of putting trust in someone.
I don't know what the prevalent point of these feelings are. I guess I'm just trying to understand why I can be so socially retarded in certain circumstances.
I used to be afraid of calling people (friends, family, my phone or internet company) because I just hated talking to strangers on the phone.
I guess I hope for some sort of growth from all of this.
Maybe I just wish I could walk up to a girl, introduce myself and see what happens from there. It's difficult to be so wanting and so gunshy when it comes to what is necessary to achieve the ends I desire. I know that nothing will ever "just happen", but for some reason I just keep thinking (hoping) that it will.
I mean, when it comes down to it I have a pretty good track record when I go for it. I haven't really ever been completely shut down.
And even then, I sometimes find it within myself to make a first move, it's the second and third moves that don't come as easily.
It's so odd to be so used to being alone, and to really like it, but at the same to have a strong yearning for something more and not to be able to act on it.
(Am I supposed to die alone?)
It's also so odd to be the one actively preventing yourself from realising your desires. There's nobody else but me who has made myself what I am.
(And after everything I've done, I hate myself for what I've become)
And yet I can't bear to part with it. It's so easy to just not care about yourself. And it's so easy to care for the few I actually do.
(A single spark can start a spectral fire.)
My job makes me feel weird.
As a tech support person my whole job is based on helping people.
And, in general, I hate people.
In turn, I do derive a sense of satisfaction from helping the people I deal with.
So, the end result of my job is some form of satisfaction derived from helping thsoe that I hate.
Sometimes, however, the hate prevails and I just cannot stand what I am doing, especially when those I am helping resent my help.
The conclusion, here, is that I sometimes provide help that is not "allowed" by my employer to an unrequited sentiment.
I guess the real weirdness here is that I'm pretty sociable when I'm with the peoplee I know, the people that I do in fact like, and that this cannot be applied to the general populace.
I notice this week that I feel very anxious when confronted with something as simple as sitting next to another person on a bus. I;d much rather stand thatn have to sit beside someone.
And further to that, I realized today that I don't mind people looking at me or whatever when I intend a look to be given (such as acting like an idiot in public), but feel uncomfortable when people look at me when I'm not doing anything.
And I guess this leads into my inherent fear of girls, my fear of relationships, my fear of putting trust in someone.
I don't know what the prevalent point of these feelings are. I guess I'm just trying to understand why I can be so socially retarded in certain circumstances.
I used to be afraid of calling people (friends, family, my phone or internet company) because I just hated talking to strangers on the phone.
I guess I hope for some sort of growth from all of this.
Maybe I just wish I could walk up to a girl, introduce myself and see what happens from there. It's difficult to be so wanting and so gunshy when it comes to what is necessary to achieve the ends I desire. I know that nothing will ever "just happen", but for some reason I just keep thinking (hoping) that it will.
I mean, when it comes down to it I have a pretty good track record when I go for it. I haven't really ever been completely shut down.
And even then, I sometimes find it within myself to make a first move, it's the second and third moves that don't come as easily.
It's so odd to be so used to being alone, and to really like it, but at the same to have a strong yearning for something more and not to be able to act on it.
(Am I supposed to die alone?)
It's also so odd to be the one actively preventing yourself from realising your desires. There's nobody else but me who has made myself what I am.
(And after everything I've done, I hate myself for what I've become)
And yet I can't bear to part with it. It's so easy to just not care about yourself. And it's so easy to care for the few I actually do.
(A single spark can start a spectral fire.)