Tired and Uninspired.
Well, well well. It seems that drama's passed by again. But it's over already, I'm over it. I really loved her fake self and despise her true self.
There's no use dwelling on it, really. Maybe it was infatuation maybe it was love, I thought that she was exactly the type of the girl that I've been looking for all these years. Minus the fact that she hated rap and liked Twilight.
Anyway, you can take the first part real seriously. But you'll eventually see how ridiculous it is and how much I've eased up in the process. Yesterday morning I couldn't help but laugh instead of being pissed while texting.
So here it goes:
Me: "I don't understand. You're reserving the 23rd for me and then you simply ditch me for Zhiming?"
Her: "lol no. It wasn't that friday that I meant."
Me: "You said that this Friday you were already taken but that you'd be free on the next one. I'd like to see you once a month, is it too much? Plus every single time, you end up canceling. And then you're prioritizing that guy that you barely know over me? Honestly, I'm having trouble digesting it. I thought it was natural for me to wanna see you only a few times."
Her: "Wow... You haven't asked me for any specific date. You just told me that you wanted to see me on my next free Friday.
I had promised Zhiming 2 months ago that we'd see each other once on April. That's before you've even asked me to go out.
You know, you're not the only one who wants to see me."
Me: "When was the last time that we've seen each other? When we went for poutine? Do you realize that it was overs 4 months ago? I don't know what do you think of it but I don't think that I'm that impatient. You're not really booked 3 months ahead, are you? I might not understand anything, anything at all."
Her: "It's not that I don't care but I don't want to overdo and stuff either. It's eventually going to happen. Maybe not this month but
perhaps the beginning of next month. Okkkk fine. Just say it, you don't wanna wait until May. "
Me: "That's not the point. If I've waited up until now, half a month is easily done. I thought that you understood but it seems that
in reality, I haven't changed to you. If it ain't worth it or I'm just being annoying or if I'm not important enough for you to remember that I'm a moron that would be ready to jump on any possible opportunity to spend a little time with the girl he likes that he rarely sees. Then voice it."
Her: "I thought that you had changed but lately, I've been thinking the opposite. I'm not used to being cool with guys that like me...I'm taking risks doing so. Just like how I'm taking risks with you. I'm scared that you'd get ideas."
Me: "You should have expected it, that I'd try and all. You're the one who came randomly to tell me that we'd be together one day. Knowing Zhiming, he wants you. Actually, I've had lost my mind ever since you told me that one thing about liking me too. I must have never recovered my senses ever since."
Her: "I'm scared... To fall in love."
At that very point, she's had lost me completely. I didn't get it.
Me: "I've broken my new way of life for you. Don't you think that it took me courage? Back then, I didn't need anybody anymore but ever since that one moment that I've mentioned a moment ago. I became jelly. I'm sorry but I can't help it."
Her: "*sigh* I don't know what to say... "
Me: "I would've liked to be able to tell you all this face to face. Unfortunately that's the issue. I don't know what's true or not anymore. I had trusted you, your words and now I don't even know what has been your true opinion of me up until now. Are you scared of me? Or is it truly that you're scared of falling for me? I don't know what's your thoughts on this, what am I supposed to do now?"
Her: "I'm not scared of you. I'm scared to be in a relationship. I'm not ready yet and I don't want you to waste your time on me.
Because I don't know if we'll ever be together. So yeah... I don't want you to regret it if we don't get together."
Me: "I'm not ready for a relationship too, seeing as how I can't be a normal dude and much less can be loved. But what I've been trying to do this whole time is to see you and just have good time. It seems that you haven't cared at all. I'm not wasting my time unless you truly don't.
Her: "That's why I told you that it was a bad timing. If I had known it earlier, it would've been okay. But right now, honestly, I'm interested into somebody else."
Okay, that's something I didn't know about.
Me: "Thanks for lying. I thought that you had been sincere all this time. I'm going to explode, see ya."
Her: "I didn't lie, it's just that I didn't bother telling you.
And when I had told you that we'd be together, I had moved on from that other guy and it's still the case."
Me: "I'm going insane. I don't understand anything of what you're saying. Are you interested in him or not?"
Her: "I'm trying to move on."
Me: "Is that Johnny (her ex) or not? It's so unclear that I'm getting more and more lost."
Her: "It's not him. He's a guy that you don't know."
Wait, that's something else I wasn't told about.
Me: "Why didn't you tell me? Do you believe that by hiding things, I'm gonna do the right now? I don't wanna be another's shadow. I don't understand what you're saying. That's a bunch of lies. I don't see the point in giving me false hope. If I had known... If I had known that it was because of another dude, I would've stopped already. I wouldn't have admired that false pearl that you are. So many lies, so many hidden things... You won the game, you fooled me. And now I'm going to be the one that looks like the bad guy. The one causing random drama. It hurts."
Her: "Thanks, I might be a fake to you. But tell yourself that I've been honest. Maybe not about this but in general, I have been.
The guy is Yves, he's 5 years older than I... Anyway, there. I've told you. In the end, I can't control your thoughts...
Do what you want, think as you wish. But don't start being hypocrite after all that's happened."
Me: "Hypocrite? How? I'm not gonna shout about it out loud to the whole world. I thought that I loved you, and you've led me on entirely. What can I even think of this, except what I'm thinking right now? I don't give a damn about his age or even him. I've tried seeing you all this time and didn't see shit coming. I've never known a girl that seemed so honest, really. The irony is that you might the only one who's told as many lies. Believe me, it hurts. Nothing's ever been so painfull but I'll manage. What's so hard to understand anyway? "I'm sorry" was enough, why did you add so much to it?"
The conversation had ended for the night.
But it seems that she's texted me back yesterday morning.
Her: "Okay, it's true that I've been lying since the very beginning... Even when we went for that poutine, I've lied about the subjects that we've discussed about. Despite the fact that I know that you didn't care... I'm not really virgin anymore... Anyway, I don't know if it's a good idea to go to the prom with you anymore after all this =/..."
Me: "Hahaha... I had believed you, wow. I don't understand it, I'm way too naive. Nice game, you fooled me good. And I'm not some dumb fuck, like I'd want to go to the prom with you now. Anyway, I wanna have a discussion with you in person. This is a joke. If you're not calling me in the next 2 weeks to set a date for us to see each other to clear all of this mess, I doubt that I'd ever forgive you. Damn Shit."
Her: "You're still the first one I've told this about... I don't really want us to meet up to discuss about it. I have nothing to do add..."
Me: "Oh, so what? I still didn't get my explanation about why the fuck you've done such a dumb shit. What a manipulator godamned shit. It's cool, apeacee* dammit."
(*APEACE: It's an expression that people -of my school- use often. I pretty much means: 'aight, fuck you' - 'cool, fuck off' - 'get the fuck out bitch', and the likes.)
Her: "I'm not trying to manipulate people... I didn't mean to do it."
Me: "Oh yeah? Guess what? What's done is done. You gave me false hope and even dared trying to cover up your lies with other lies in this very conversation. 'Oh but im so scared to fall in love', my fucking balls yeah. Fuck it, I'm done and over with. Don't do that to another guy, don't ever dare doing so."
Now, onto the stupid last text:
Her: "But it's true... I'm scared to fall in love."
I got tired of it, so I immediately called her when I received this one stupid reply.
Me: "Yo."
Her: "Ohh, hi.. (with a sort of relieved tone to her voice, wtf)
Me: "You know what? I don't give a single fffuck anymore. 'Oh but I'm so scared to fall in lovee"
Her: "But..."
I'm not letting her finish.
"APEACE. You're disgusting, I can't even be sad or pissed over it. It's just hilariously ridiculous."
Her: "Wai-"
And I hung up. I didn't even feel like posting this up anymore as I don't even care now.
Yesterday was a cool day. It was empty but out of 4 classes, I've had only a single class that required me to work.
Today's quite a shitty day. It's rainy and I've had my pants ruined thanks to my mom's boyfriend fearing that I'd be late on picking up his son. I've waited 20 minutes under that shady, gray, gloomy, depressing sky.
My mom's at the hospital and supposed to be giving birth to a baby right now. I wish that I could be there too.
There's always something to learn even when you already theoretically know about it already.
What a wonderful world.
"I'm tired and uninspired.", that's Fred's usual quote when things ain't going so well.
And right now, I'm pretty much feeling like this.
It's still funny to see how a 'why'd you ditch me ):?' turned into a 'Ok so that was all bullshit? HAHA"
I'd be crying and be depressed over it if I was actually prioritizing my heart over my mind. But that's not the case.
Can we pretend that airplanes in the nightsky are like shooting stars?
There's no use dwelling on it, really. Maybe it was infatuation maybe it was love, I thought that she was exactly the type of the girl that I've been looking for all these years. Minus the fact that she hated rap and liked Twilight.
Anyway, you can take the first part real seriously. But you'll eventually see how ridiculous it is and how much I've eased up in the process. Yesterday morning I couldn't help but laugh instead of being pissed while texting.
So here it goes:
Me: "I don't understand. You're reserving the 23rd for me and then you simply ditch me for Zhiming?"
Her: "lol no. It wasn't that friday that I meant."
Me: "You said that this Friday you were already taken but that you'd be free on the next one. I'd like to see you once a month, is it too much? Plus every single time, you end up canceling. And then you're prioritizing that guy that you barely know over me? Honestly, I'm having trouble digesting it. I thought it was natural for me to wanna see you only a few times."
Her: "Wow... You haven't asked me for any specific date. You just told me that you wanted to see me on my next free Friday.
I had promised Zhiming 2 months ago that we'd see each other once on April. That's before you've even asked me to go out.
You know, you're not the only one who wants to see me."
Me: "When was the last time that we've seen each other? When we went for poutine? Do you realize that it was overs 4 months ago? I don't know what do you think of it but I don't think that I'm that impatient. You're not really booked 3 months ahead, are you? I might not understand anything, anything at all."
Her: "It's not that I don't care but I don't want to overdo and stuff either. It's eventually going to happen. Maybe not this month but
perhaps the beginning of next month. Okkkk fine. Just say it, you don't wanna wait until May. "
Me: "That's not the point. If I've waited up until now, half a month is easily done. I thought that you understood but it seems that
in reality, I haven't changed to you. If it ain't worth it or I'm just being annoying or if I'm not important enough for you to remember that I'm a moron that would be ready to jump on any possible opportunity to spend a little time with the girl he likes that he rarely sees. Then voice it."
Her: "I thought that you had changed but lately, I've been thinking the opposite. I'm not used to being cool with guys that like me...I'm taking risks doing so. Just like how I'm taking risks with you. I'm scared that you'd get ideas."
Me: "You should have expected it, that I'd try and all. You're the one who came randomly to tell me that we'd be together one day. Knowing Zhiming, he wants you. Actually, I've had lost my mind ever since you told me that one thing about liking me too. I must have never recovered my senses ever since."
Her: "I'm scared... To fall in love."
At that very point, she's had lost me completely. I didn't get it.
Me: "I've broken my new way of life for you. Don't you think that it took me courage? Back then, I didn't need anybody anymore but ever since that one moment that I've mentioned a moment ago. I became jelly. I'm sorry but I can't help it."
Her: "*sigh* I don't know what to say... "
Me: "I would've liked to be able to tell you all this face to face. Unfortunately that's the issue. I don't know what's true or not anymore. I had trusted you, your words and now I don't even know what has been your true opinion of me up until now. Are you scared of me? Or is it truly that you're scared of falling for me? I don't know what's your thoughts on this, what am I supposed to do now?"
Her: "I'm not scared of you. I'm scared to be in a relationship. I'm not ready yet and I don't want you to waste your time on me.
Because I don't know if we'll ever be together. So yeah... I don't want you to regret it if we don't get together."
Me: "I'm not ready for a relationship too, seeing as how I can't be a normal dude and much less can be loved. But what I've been trying to do this whole time is to see you and just have good time. It seems that you haven't cared at all. I'm not wasting my time unless you truly don't.
Her: "That's why I told you that it was a bad timing. If I had known it earlier, it would've been okay. But right now, honestly, I'm interested into somebody else."
Okay, that's something I didn't know about.
Me: "Thanks for lying. I thought that you had been sincere all this time. I'm going to explode, see ya."
Her: "I didn't lie, it's just that I didn't bother telling you.
And when I had told you that we'd be together, I had moved on from that other guy and it's still the case."
Me: "I'm going insane. I don't understand anything of what you're saying. Are you interested in him or not?"
Her: "I'm trying to move on."
Me: "Is that Johnny (her ex) or not? It's so unclear that I'm getting more and more lost."
Her: "It's not him. He's a guy that you don't know."
Wait, that's something else I wasn't told about.
Me: "Why didn't you tell me? Do you believe that by hiding things, I'm gonna do the right now? I don't wanna be another's shadow. I don't understand what you're saying. That's a bunch of lies. I don't see the point in giving me false hope. If I had known... If I had known that it was because of another dude, I would've stopped already. I wouldn't have admired that false pearl that you are. So many lies, so many hidden things... You won the game, you fooled me. And now I'm going to be the one that looks like the bad guy. The one causing random drama. It hurts."
Her: "Thanks, I might be a fake to you. But tell yourself that I've been honest. Maybe not about this but in general, I have been.
The guy is Yves, he's 5 years older than I... Anyway, there. I've told you. In the end, I can't control your thoughts...
Do what you want, think as you wish. But don't start being hypocrite after all that's happened."
Me: "Hypocrite? How? I'm not gonna shout about it out loud to the whole world. I thought that I loved you, and you've led me on entirely. What can I even think of this, except what I'm thinking right now? I don't give a damn about his age or even him. I've tried seeing you all this time and didn't see shit coming. I've never known a girl that seemed so honest, really. The irony is that you might the only one who's told as many lies. Believe me, it hurts. Nothing's ever been so painfull but I'll manage. What's so hard to understand anyway? "I'm sorry" was enough, why did you add so much to it?"
The conversation had ended for the night.
But it seems that she's texted me back yesterday morning.
Her: "Okay, it's true that I've been lying since the very beginning... Even when we went for that poutine, I've lied about the subjects that we've discussed about. Despite the fact that I know that you didn't care... I'm not really virgin anymore... Anyway, I don't know if it's a good idea to go to the prom with you anymore after all this =/..."
Me: "Hahaha... I had believed you, wow. I don't understand it, I'm way too naive. Nice game, you fooled me good. And I'm not some dumb fuck, like I'd want to go to the prom with you now. Anyway, I wanna have a discussion with you in person. This is a joke. If you're not calling me in the next 2 weeks to set a date for us to see each other to clear all of this mess, I doubt that I'd ever forgive you. Damn Shit."
Her: "You're still the first one I've told this about... I don't really want us to meet up to discuss about it. I have nothing to do add..."
Me: "Oh, so what? I still didn't get my explanation about why the fuck you've done such a dumb shit. What a manipulator godamned shit. It's cool, apeacee* dammit."
(*APEACE: It's an expression that people -of my school- use often. I pretty much means: 'aight, fuck you' - 'cool, fuck off' - 'get the fuck out bitch', and the likes.)
Her: "I'm not trying to manipulate people... I didn't mean to do it."
Me: "Oh yeah? Guess what? What's done is done. You gave me false hope and even dared trying to cover up your lies with other lies in this very conversation. 'Oh but im so scared to fall in love', my fucking balls yeah. Fuck it, I'm done and over with. Don't do that to another guy, don't ever dare doing so."
Now, onto the stupid last text:
Her: "But it's true... I'm scared to fall in love."
I got tired of it, so I immediately called her when I received this one stupid reply.
Me: "Yo."
Her: "Ohh, hi.. (with a sort of relieved tone to her voice, wtf)
Me: "You know what? I don't give a single fffuck anymore. 'Oh but I'm so scared to fall in lovee"
Her: "But..."
I'm not letting her finish.
"APEACE. You're disgusting, I can't even be sad or pissed over it. It's just hilariously ridiculous."
Her: "Wai-"
And I hung up. I didn't even feel like posting this up anymore as I don't even care now.
Yesterday was a cool day. It was empty but out of 4 classes, I've had only a single class that required me to work.
Today's quite a shitty day. It's rainy and I've had my pants ruined thanks to my mom's boyfriend fearing that I'd be late on picking up his son. I've waited 20 minutes under that shady, gray, gloomy, depressing sky.
My mom's at the hospital and supposed to be giving birth to a baby right now. I wish that I could be there too.
There's always something to learn even when you already theoretically know about it already.
What a wonderful world.
"I'm tired and uninspired.", that's Fred's usual quote when things ain't going so well.
And right now, I'm pretty much feeling like this.
It's still funny to see how a 'why'd you ditch me ):?' turned into a 'Ok so that was all bullshit? HAHA"
I'd be crying and be depressed over it if I was actually prioritizing my heart over my mind. But that's not the case.
Can we pretend that airplanes in the nightsky are like shooting stars?