(no subject)
So I dont know when the last time I actually wrote something here. It gives a date but no year so it was either earlier this year orr early last year. Wow.
Still in college, still wasting my life with pointless classes but at the same time taking ones that will change my life forever. Its an interesting thing college. Theres a lot more to it than classes and partying and whatnot. Not like I know anything about that whole party aspect. Not my scene. Which just brings on a whole slew of other problems. Things I try not to think of most of the time
I started this journal thing almost 8 years ago I believe. Around the same time I made the conscious decision to label myself a straight edge, a label that I have taken away purely because of the stigma that it carries. My family still tries to get me to drink and I humor them. They still have no clue that I'm never going to be like them and thats just how it is. And while I do not regret my decision, sometimes I wonder what things would be like if I didn't choose to be this way. I sometimes wonder if I'm missing out on life experiences and if I'm being naive because of it. I sit in my dorm on Friday or Saturday nights and I hear all the commotion outside of the general drunk population and while often times the stumbling, puking and blackouts really don't look like fun, I wonder if I'm missing out on a experience in life. A write of passage for those in their college years. I still get that same feeling from high school that I'm judged for being the sober one. It sucks because in less than one year I will 21 myself, then what am I do to? I will no longer have the "excuse" of "Oh I'm underage, I cant". I just wish that I can skip over my birthday and be as far away from everyone I know, except for Roger of course.
He's been one of the few people there for me, through it all and continues to be. He's farther now, no longer in Scranton but in good ol' Washington D.C. While its only 5 hours away, it seems like an eternity. I havent seen him since my birth and it kills me. I miss him like crazy so I've been trying to focus on other things so it doesnt hurt as much. Ive read 2 books since school started, big books. And of course theres always school work. My grades have been well, despite the fact that I cant focus to save my life. I just miss him. Thats all I ever feel. So proud of him, and so happy for him. So happy to say he's mine. I've never met anyone like him, with the determination to do what hes doing. He's amazing, and I'm truly blessed. But my heart still aches from the fact that he's so far and the time we spend together these days is far and few between. But everything happens for a reason, he taught me that.
Aside from this semester being the hardest academically, its proving to be the hardest emotionally. All it has done is instill a sense of fear in me. I'm scared of being a bad teacher, of not teaching children the joys of music and giving them an extra outlet for their creativity and happiness. The difficulty of classes makes me scared of letting down my parents, and my family and myself. Roger being so far makes me scared to lose him, of drifting apart. I'm scared for what the future holds. Never has my life looked so unclear. Roger is far, possibly to never come back. The economy is in the pooper so who knows if I'll ever get a job. My friends, my family everyone will soon be spread out across the country, I dont even know where I'll be. I've always known at least one small aspect of whats in store for me, one small aspect for me to cling to, to eek some hope out of. Right now I have nothing, its quite an incredible experience. I know theres a plan though, I'm just not meant to know it right now.
Dont get me wrong, I know much have this has been terribly depressing but really its not. Life is good, I'm young and in love, going to a great school on the road to getting a great degree. I know I'm good at what I do and I've proven to be moderately successful up until present times. Life just gets messy sometimes, this is one of those times. Messy is good though, like spaghetti or sloppy joes.
Side note: Roger bought me a camera for my bday. It's fantastic. =)
Still in college, still wasting my life with pointless classes but at the same time taking ones that will change my life forever. Its an interesting thing college. Theres a lot more to it than classes and partying and whatnot. Not like I know anything about that whole party aspect. Not my scene. Which just brings on a whole slew of other problems. Things I try not to think of most of the time
I started this journal thing almost 8 years ago I believe. Around the same time I made the conscious decision to label myself a straight edge, a label that I have taken away purely because of the stigma that it carries. My family still tries to get me to drink and I humor them. They still have no clue that I'm never going to be like them and thats just how it is. And while I do not regret my decision, sometimes I wonder what things would be like if I didn't choose to be this way. I sometimes wonder if I'm missing out on life experiences and if I'm being naive because of it. I sit in my dorm on Friday or Saturday nights and I hear all the commotion outside of the general drunk population and while often times the stumbling, puking and blackouts really don't look like fun, I wonder if I'm missing out on a experience in life. A write of passage for those in their college years. I still get that same feeling from high school that I'm judged for being the sober one. It sucks because in less than one year I will 21 myself, then what am I do to? I will no longer have the "excuse" of "Oh I'm underage, I cant". I just wish that I can skip over my birthday and be as far away from everyone I know, except for Roger of course.
He's been one of the few people there for me, through it all and continues to be. He's farther now, no longer in Scranton but in good ol' Washington D.C. While its only 5 hours away, it seems like an eternity. I havent seen him since my birth and it kills me. I miss him like crazy so I've been trying to focus on other things so it doesnt hurt as much. Ive read 2 books since school started, big books. And of course theres always school work. My grades have been well, despite the fact that I cant focus to save my life. I just miss him. Thats all I ever feel. So proud of him, and so happy for him. So happy to say he's mine. I've never met anyone like him, with the determination to do what hes doing. He's amazing, and I'm truly blessed. But my heart still aches from the fact that he's so far and the time we spend together these days is far and few between. But everything happens for a reason, he taught me that.
Aside from this semester being the hardest academically, its proving to be the hardest emotionally. All it has done is instill a sense of fear in me. I'm scared of being a bad teacher, of not teaching children the joys of music and giving them an extra outlet for their creativity and happiness. The difficulty of classes makes me scared of letting down my parents, and my family and myself. Roger being so far makes me scared to lose him, of drifting apart. I'm scared for what the future holds. Never has my life looked so unclear. Roger is far, possibly to never come back. The economy is in the pooper so who knows if I'll ever get a job. My friends, my family everyone will soon be spread out across the country, I dont even know where I'll be. I've always known at least one small aspect of whats in store for me, one small aspect for me to cling to, to eek some hope out of. Right now I have nothing, its quite an incredible experience. I know theres a plan though, I'm just not meant to know it right now.
Dont get me wrong, I know much have this has been terribly depressing but really its not. Life is good, I'm young and in love, going to a great school on the road to getting a great degree. I know I'm good at what I do and I've proven to be moderately successful up until present times. Life just gets messy sometimes, this is one of those times. Messy is good though, like spaghetti or sloppy joes.
Side note: Roger bought me a camera for my bday. It's fantastic. =)