G'day!
Hello everyone. I honestly meant to write a better journal, if possible but it is beyond me to keep this stupid thing updated. I am stuck between thinking that nothing happens in my life and non-stop blabbering about this that has happened to be. It's a disgusting little circle that I suggest you all stay clear of. Either way- here I am, home in Manalapan. Home of the brave and all the other fucking New York rejects. Home of the people who only call it home when they can't leave yet or when their college's send them to it. You can tell that I obviously harbor a great amount of love from this little township on the east coast. It's bought me a lot of things and is responsible for the development of my character thus far, I'd like to think that is a very fair assumption.
Let's see... if I hadn't been born and raised in this particular portion of town: I would not (according to my out-of-state friends) find today's bowel movement as a subject of conversation, apparently its an NJ thing?; I would not know the people who I do, and if life is said to be the sum of our experiences than I would say that almost everyone influences me in some way; I would not be utterly convinced that drinking in the solution to all my boredom problems- hell, I started planning my blackouts..something is wrong with that; I would not, despite what I may try, think that a certain race or religion (pss... J--O--O) is dirty or should be killed... fuck I'm sure I would be a completely different person, in some aspects had I grown up in the next town over like Freehold or Millstone. Shit like that always keeps me wondering, how many different flavors of Teddy there could have been.. .and is the world truly ready for whichever it may be next time?
Either way, as I said before, I am back home. I find it funny that when I talk to my boys from Brunswick, I have to refer to Manalapan as "home" home, while my room is just home. Despite the fact that the average college student is COMPLETLY dependant on someone, they feel independent and therefore associate their dorm or apartment room with their property. Isn't that bizarre? That newfound feeling of independence is a complete sham? Thinly disguised by a whole new level of total financial dependence on your parents? I can't complain, I'm getting the good side of the shovel right now- thinking I'm all free and shit while they foot the bill. It must suck to be the adult, thinking of all your good years gone by and all the opportunities that you missed while you sit at home and slowly rot? Well I hope thats not what I think of things when I'm my parent's age, which is still a cool 30-40 years from now (God, are they old). Then comes in that whole regret play, and there are two sides of the coin to land your flip on too. Both sides are ways of living in order to minimize your regret in later years. You may have picked up that I think that that is one of the major fears that people my age have of getting old: regret.
There's the safe side, in which you life your life so as to not have any regret for what you have done. In this mode, you think of your future more than your present and what you think will help you down the line and what will hinder you. While this may be the safest and, definitely, the smartest way to live ones live- with total preparation for the future- it is definitely the worst and most boring. I have enough things to think about during my free time. When should I study for this?, when should I say that?- It's simple to see why I adhere to the other school of though.
Seen as many to be the more reckless side, it's those that life their life in order to stay away from that which they will regret not doing. I'll think of thing later and say to myself "yeah I got away scott-free, but think of what I could have done?". Without a doubt, this is the more dangerous way to live a life. And again, without a doubt, it is the way that produces the most results and happiness, I believe. How can someone life with the constant fear of what they are doing now and how it will affect their future? It's easy to see that I lean towards this side... maybe not even as much as I'd like to, but I certainly admire this way of thinking the most. From this category of people come the dreamers, those who take the chances and risks, and those who are more afraid of what they could have missed doing than those afraid of what they have done.
At this young age of 19, and it is fucking young as shit, I feel as if I should be enjoying what many people call the "best years of their lives". I'm not sure what it is, but I think it is the hidden connection between the writers who said the above quote and the average work load of retard English-majors, that leads me down my dark path of truancy and tomfoolery. Maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way, and that is entirely possible, but I think these years of my life should not be squandered looking in a book. How could I enjoy any other time of my life if I spend the best being miserable? I hate the whole social culture of engineers being these recluse motherfucks who couldn't please a girl even if that had one. I hate having to listen to my liberal-arts major friends about how hard their "rhymes with panana" class is. Speaking of which- don't even bother to tell me what you are taking next semester or any other semester hereafter. All I look forward to is to finally being done with four semesters straight of calculus.
Either way, that's how I'd like to live my life. Maybe I can't abide by it so entirely strictly because I'd probably be in and out of several municipal systems by now... but I find it so close to irresistible. My idea future is to have a nice cushy home, with a wife and 2 kids...maybe both boys. I'd be wealthy enough to afford vacations for my family and an education for my children. We may not be entirely without want, but definitely without need. And on top of that I would like to rest comfortly knowing that I would have so little regrets. I'd like to know that every big and important goal I've set in my life I had achieved (one of which is drinking with my brother BTW). I think that'd be an awesome life to live.
However, as a simply 19 year old who depends on his parents’ hospitality and money- I don't have the luxury of living life to its complete fullest. And who does in this fucking world? Instead, I try to supplement my wanderlust with partying and meeting new people. That seems to be my thing now, and I'm well known for it in my house. I love to meet people- I love to go places and known people and be known. After a while, the shit becomes like a disgusting celebrity drug, which blows. If you see me without my glasses anywhere in public, it either means that I don't want to see people or I've forgot my glasses. Usually the former since the latter situation results in the most horrible of situations. I get prejudiced on so many things now it sucks! First off, and surprisingly the smallest (I think at least) is that I'm black. It sets me apart from most of my friends immediately...fuck you Manalapan for making me so sociably agreeable! Second- girls seem to think I'm some sort of a player. That sentence is almost as ironic as it is painful. Fuck, even boys think this. If I could get half as many girls as people seem to think I am getting, I'd be treading circles in my 13-foot pussy pool right now dammit. And thirdly, and this one just makes no sense, by people who see my facebook page. YES- I know all 150+ of them. NO- I don't call them all on a regular basis, how the fuck could I? YES I'm one of those guys running around with 'little girlfriends everywhere' (actual quote.. it killed me). Fuck everyone! Specially this evil facebook... Let me just take this wonderfully extended weekend to not deal with Kovac or Levatino's internet play time talk.
Either way, I just hope this all legible since it is 5am and I've been hitting that wonderful trio- drinking & driving & not having a license. Well, I'm getting the license replaced tomorrow (wallet stolen), and I'll be working on the other two...sometimes I guess. Today is officially bright and early Wednesday morning. Yesterday I aced my calc 3 exam- or as I like to say "beat it like an unwanted child", and beat it I did. Today, I'll go to the dmv and get liberated...then I'll apply at several locales until one takes me for winter break. After that I'll finish lab reports and my crystal chem paper. Then.. late at night, I'll start the drinking. Why? Why not? I've got a busy-ass weekend ahead of me. So many people that I've practically ignored since I've been at Rutgers that I'd like to renew contacts with. There are those that I've been interested in seeing but cannot since they go to some institution several hundred of miles away from me. The worst part is how you, and by 'you' I mean 'I', tend to drift away from those I don't see constantly. This involves both friends and romantic interests. As if now was even a time to fix all that, fucking stingy Rutgers only gives me Wednesday through Sunday. Places like UConn have had off for almost a week now, I think- talk about unfair
Either way, the early-morning-candle burns. I'm getting the fuck to bed. Goodnite everyone
P.S. - Thanksgiving resolution- Get wasted in front of my family to gauge reaction.
Adios