Fic: BigBang 2010 - The Lord Moves In Mysterious Ways (5/7+Epilogue)

[mpregloveranon]

Title: The Lord Moves In Mysterious Ways
Author: mpregloveranon 
Betas: munibunny  & sexytexanjra 
Artist: vamptastica 
Pairing: Jensen/Jared, (Steve/Chris as minor characters)
Raiting: NC-17
Warnings: AU, Mpreg, mentions of abuse and prostitution, character death (none of the boys! - SPOILERS: miscarriage and viewing of the deceased child as well as emotional aftermath of the loss), H/C, angst, some swearing
Disclaimer: I just own a kinky imagination. Every event in this story is purely fictional and I don’t intend to step on anyone’s toes or make money with this.
Summary: Jensen is a young priest who has a special place in his heart for street kids. One day he finds Jared, a teenaged hooker, wandering the streets in some state of shock, and decides to help him. Jensen takes Jared in and finds out the kid is pregnant, which only increases his determination to help the troubled teen. A tragic event only brings them closer to each other and Jensen is forced to make a decision: Love or Faith.
Special thanks: 
 @ sexytexanjra: Thank you so much for all your help and support! You know that I wouldn’t be posting this if it wasn’t for you and I can’t thank you enough for that. You managed to bring back my excitement for the whole BigBang experience and I’m so happy for all the suggestions you’ve made and that you’ve listened to me rant about everything and nothing for the past few months. :D I’m so glad that we’ve become friend and that I have found someone with such similar tastes when it comes to fanfic. ;)

@munibunny: I’m so happy that Ange pointed me in your direction and that you accepted to beta my first BigBang fic! You helped me so much with the grammar stuff and all your plot-related suggestions. :D Thank you so much for that!

@vamptastica: I love the artpost you’ve put together for my fic! When I first saw that you had picked my fic to do the art for it I went to check out your work and was really excited but you’ve definitely exceeded my expectations! Thank you for all the goodies you’ve made and that you went through the trouble of finding the right pictures to make priest!Jensen manips for the fic. :D The pics really captured the mood of the fic.

@everyone else: This is my very first BigBang fic and I really hope that you enjoy the read. Please let me know what you think about it. Suggestions and constructive criticism are also welcome but please don't flame. ;)




Previous Chapters: 1   2   3   4

~o~ Chapter 5 ~o~

Jensen woke up to his rumbling stomach telling him he’d missed breakfast. The bright beam of sunlight shining through his bedroom window straight into his face was hinting that he was close to missing lunch as well. The second thing he became aware of, as he slowly blinked his way to wakefulness was the comfortable weight on his chest and the warm body pressed up against him. He opened his eyes and looked down at Jared’s head laying on his right pectoral, noticing the little drool stain on his grey t-shirt, right under the teen’s slightly parted lips. Being drooled on should have felt gross but it only filled Jensen with a fuzzy warm feeling. He didn’t dare to move and wake Jared, taking that fleeting moment to bask in the intimate press of Jared’s warm body, before he had to remember who he was and why he couldn’t just give into his feelings and enjoy the closeness.

His eyes slipped shut again when all the questions came back and his inner debate started all over again. He knew that he was too emotionally involved to just help Jared get back on his feet and then let him go. Two weeks might seem a short amount of time but Jared had probably won his heart the moment Jensen had first set eyes on the sad, sunken face of the drenched, shivering teen sitting on his sofa, looking frightened and desperate. It might have taken him a few tries to get through to the lost young man but Jensen had never feared a challenge and was happy that he had been persistent enough to finally earn Jared’s trust.

He remembered what Chris had told him about risking doing things he might regret later on and sighed. To any outsider it might look as if Jared was dependant on him because Jensen was providing him shelter, food and general support but he knew that the dependency went both ways. He had always felt the strong need to help people, which had been one of the main reasons for devoting his life to God and humanity in a wider sense. Among all the people he had helped so far, Jared was clearly the first one that got under his skin and made him start doubting the life he had chosen.




All of a sudden a warm hand was pressing against his crotch and startled him out of his musings.

“What…?” he cried out in shock and his wide eyes were met by pleading hazel ones. Trying to compose himself again, he gently grabbed Jared’s thin wrist and pulled his wandering hand up to his chest. He held eye contact, seeking for the right words to say next. “Why were you touching me like that, Jared?” Jensen asked in a soft tone, his right arm still wrapped around the teen’s bony shoulders while his left hand held onto Jared’s wrist.

Biting his lower lip shyly, Jared blinked a few times, his eyes clearly moist. “I love you…” His voice was barely a whisper but they were basically lying on top of each other so Jensen heard it nonetheless. “Please… Love me…” He lifted his leg and shifted it between the older man’s thighs.

Jensen swallowed dryly, feeling light-headed by what Jared had just said and what he was clearly hinting at. He was only human and, no matter how hard he tried to fight it, his body reacted to the contact. “Jared, please…” he started saying without knowing what exactly he was pleading for. “We can’t do this,” he admitted after a few beats, feeling the heaviness in his chest grow.

“I feel so empty,” Jared spoke up again in the same monotonous, weak murmur but still not pulling back from Jensen. “I didn’t want to loose the baby,” he added, choking up on the last word, the first tear slipping down his pale, still gaunt face. “I promise I’ll take better care of it this time. I won’t fail… won’t disappoint you.”

Jared’s broken pleading was breaking Jensen’s heart and he pulled him impossibly closer, desperate to find a way to make the hurt stop. “We can’t do this,” he repeated solemnly. “You don’t want this, Jared. You’re still healing and I know it hurts but you cannot want this, Jay,” he muttered sorrowfully.

A miserable frown clouded Jared’s features.

“You don’t want me,” he stated in disbelief and weakly pulled back from the other man’s warm chest, looking shattered. “Why don’t you want me?”

Jensen closed his eyes because he couldn’t bear to see the devastated look on the teenager’s face. Tears were welling up in his eyes as well but he blinked them away before they fell. “If you only knew…” he admitted under his breath, pinching the bridge of his nose between index finger and thumb as he sensed the beginning of a building headache. “I am a priest, Jared, and you are still a child…” the blond man explained softly, every word being a new stab to his already aching heart.

Suddenly, the expression on Jared’s face twisted from misery to fury and he scrambled out of the Jensen’s embrace, shifting away from him. “I’ll be eighteen in a couple of months and…” He had pushed himself up on one elbow to scowl down at Jensen. “I’ve been turning tricks since I ran away from the abusive drunk that was supposed to be my dad at fourteen.” His voice had become louder with every word until he was screaming wildly in anger.

“I’m so sorry that you had to live through all of that,” Jensen replied, tears running freely down his freckled skin. “I wish I’d found you earlier and protected...”

Jared sat up properly, getting more worked up by the second. His breath was coming in short gasps and his face was flushed from screaming. “I did what I had to do and I survived. I don’t need protection! I can take care of myself. Make my own decisions!” He swung his legs over the edge of the bed and stood up, not minding his nakedness. Turning towards Jensen, he shook his head in frustration. “Do you really think I’m still an innocent child?” he spat the question at the kind man, who had been trying to comfort him only minutes before.

Jensen knew that the anger wasn’t really directed at him, that Jared was only trying to deal with his loss and grief but it still hurt to listen to the angry outburst. Nonetheless, he took everything Jared was throwing at him quietly and hoped for the anger to die down again.

“Answer me!” Jared demanded when he didn’t get a reply to his last question. “I am not a child, he never let me be one…” He looked down briefly but when his eyes turned back to Jensen the fury was back even if there were tears rolling down his sunken cheeks. “Do you know what it’s like to have someone beat the shit out of you for something you didn’t do? Do you know how it feels to be afraid to sleep because you saw him drinking himself stupid and know he will come up to your room and hit you sooner or later?”

Jensen could only shake his head in devastation at what the young man in front of him had suffered through in his short life.

“Do you know how much it hurts to have your dad tell you how much he hates you because you killed his wife? Because you are alive and she had to die?” Jared was trembling like a drug addict needing his next fix, the adrenalin fading off and leaving him drained.

“I’m so sorry,” Jensen whispered, hoarse from crying over Jared’s awful past. He climbed out of bed and very slowly moved towards Jared, knowing that the rage would be followed by an even more intense breakdown.

“You don’t know shit!” Jared started moving backwards to keep the distance between himself and Jensen until his back hit the wall behind him.

Holding out a hand, Jensen’s voice was barely above a whisper. “You are right, Jared.” He took another step towards the kid. “I don’t know how all that felt but I want to be there for you. Please, let me help you, Jared.”

He closed the short distance between them and came to a stop right in front of the trembling teen, who suddenly fell forward and pressed his lips against Jensen’s closed mouth. The reaction was so unexpected that Jensen froze for a second before his brain could catch up with what was happening. Instinctively pushing Jared back, Jensen stared at the boy with a mix of shock and deep hurt. He wanted to say something but he couldn’t find the right words and just fled out of the room. That unexpected kiss had completely thrown him off balance and he needed a moment to himself. Still afraid to leave Jared alone in the apartment, he ran into his study and locked himself in the small room, falling to the floor with his back against the closed door.

Jared had kissed him and he didn’t know if he should laugh or cry but he finally knew what he had to do. Rubbing at his watering eyes, Jensen spotted his cell phone on his desk. He dragged himself up and sank onto the desk chair, reaching for the cell with shaking fingers and praying one last time that he was making the right decision.




A knock on the door pulled Jensen out of his thoughts about two hours later.

He had talked to Father Morgan and told him everything that had happened since taking Jared in a couple of weeks ago. Father Morgan had been very patient and listened to him ranting, crying and even confessing the profane feelings he had developed for the broken young man he wanted to save. In the end, his mentor had only told him that he had done the right thing in calling him and that he should listen to his heart because he had already made his decision and now only needed to accept it. He also told Jensen that it was no sin to love someone and that he wouldn’t have to stop serving God because he took his collar off, he would just have to find new ways to do it.

“I am sorry,” Jared apologized through the door, still waiting to be let in.

Jensen wiped the remaining tears from his face and took a couple of deep breaths to compose himself before he moved over to the door and unlocked it. The first thing he noticed were the dried tear tracks on Jared’s cheeks and his red-rimmed eyes. Then he saw that Jared was wearing his old clothes, which Jensen had washed and put away in the bottom drawer of his dresser, where he also kept the other clothes he had bought for the lanky teen. It was obvious that Jared had ‘packed’ and was ready to leave but Jensen couldn’t believe what he was seeing.

“Why are you wearing that?” he asked in confusion, pointing at the threadbare jeans, tank top, and shirt.

“I didn’t want to steal your clothes…” Jared admitted sheepishly, looking everywhere but at Jensen.

“You can’t leave,” Jensen exclaimed, knowing that this was goodbye. “Where? Why?”

Staring at his beaten up sneakers, Jared answered the stuttered questions. “Because you don’t want me here anymore…”

“No!” Jensen shot back in surprise. “I… I just needed time to think and… Please, look at me, Jared,” he pleaded in a warm tone. “I want to talk to you about a few things… but I’m not kicking you out, okay?”

Jared nodded but the sad frown on his young face didn’t vanish as he let Jensen usher him into the living-room area.

“Let’s sit down here.” Jensen made himself comfortable on one end of the sofa and motioned for Jared to do the same, waiting until he sat down as well. “I freaked out back in the bedroom and I’m sorry for running out on you but I really needed some alone time,” he started explaining calmly. In an attempt to assure the kid, Jensen took one of his hands in his own and squeezed it. “I’m not mad at you, Jared, but I really need to know why you kissed me.”

A wild mix of raging emotions flickered across Jared’s features, reaching from doubt and suspicion to utter confusion but he didn’t say a word, only staring back at Jensen silently as if afraid to say something wrong.

Jensen carded his free hand through his short, blond hair and sighed. “It’s okay… Erm…” He was searching for the right way to phrase his next question. “Jared, did you kiss me because you were trying to… Did you think you had to kiss me?” He still needed to understand if Jared had acted out of some weird sense of obligation or if it maybe had been a spur-of-the-moment-thing or if there might have been feelings involved.

Jared shook his head. “No… I just wanted to kiss you…” he admitted timidly and lowered his gaze one more time as if he was afraid that Jensen might get mad at him any second.

Okay, so Jared hadn’t been trying to repay him for anything and that knowledge came as a great relief to Jensen. Nevertheless, there was still the possibility that Jared was just too confused to really be able to decide what he wanted in the first place. “Listen, Jared…” the older man started explaining once again. “Please, don’t freak out on me but I need to know if you… maybe… have any feelings for me…” He felt the tips of his ears burning as he finally spilled his question. “I have to make a very important decision and I need to know that before I can decide, do you understand that, Jared?”

Again Jared nodded but remained silent for several beats as if giving the question a thought before answering it. “I… don’t know.” He lifted his head to look at Jensen and frowned. “It’s really nice to be with you but… I don’t know. How am I supposed to feel?” The last question was accompanied by a sad frown.

Jensen stroked the back of Jared’s hand with his thumb. “That’s hard to explain,” he replied and, even if he hadn’t gotten the answer he had been hoping for, the lost and uncertain look in Jared’s face was enough for Jensen. “I guess you could call it attraction but not just in a physical way.” He cleared his throat. “Now that you have told me your reason, I think I should explain why I acted the way I did… I think I might have feelings for you, Jared, but I’m a priest and I can’t have those thoughts.”

Shock was clearly evident on Jared’s face but he didn’t reply anything to the confession, staying quiet and listening attentively.

“I cannot act on any of those feelings as long as I am a priest and I don’t want to break my vows…” Jensen tried to swallow around the lump in his throat. “That’s where the decision comes in…” How could he be telling all those things to Jared, when the kid himself had more than enough on his plate already? Jensen wanted to stop talking but he just couldn’t. He needed to explain himself to Jared.

“Do you really like me?” Jared asked in a shy whisper as if he couldn’t grasp the concept that someone would care for him at all.

Blinking away more moisture forming in his eyes, Jensen entwined his fingers with Jared’s. “More than I should,” he confessed and was overwhelmed by the feeling to just lean in for another kiss, to show Jared how he felt about him. However, he fought that urge and just squeezed the kid’s hand instead. “If I take off my collar… I’ll have to find a new place and a job and… Would you…” Jensen held his breath as Jared’s eyes widen once more.

“You would give all this up because of me?”

Jensen’s heart clenched as he realized the depth of this young man’s wounding. Jared’s warring emotions were playing out clearly on his face as he took in Jensen’s confession. Warmth spread through him like a soothing balm as Jared’s eyes gleamed in understanding of his feelings.

“Yes, if you want me to,” Jensen confirmed. He knew that Chris would probably slug him for being so irresponsible and stupid but the conversation with Father Jeff Morgan had helped him admit his feelings and now he knew what he had to do. Watching Jared squirm in his seat in front of him, Jensen gave him a warm and supportive smile. “I don’t want to pressure you into anything, Jared,” he quickly assured. “These feelings, I have, just made me see that I’m not able to put God above everything else… That’s why I’m going to talk to Father Morgan and hand in my collar. You helped me see that there might be a life for me outside the church.” That was really the truth of it. Jensen had never thought about doing anything else with his life outside the church because he had never known another life. He had gone to school with Steve and Chris and dated a few girls in his teens but he never had doubted his decision to devote his life to God, not until he had met Jared.

“I think… I think I want to give it a try,” Jared mumbled timidly, but there was hope in his eyes and a shy smile on his lips.

Jensen smiled back and pulled the kid into his arms to hug him.

“Thank you,” he murmured almost inaudibly and added the unspoken ‘I love you’ in his mind. As scary as the whole idea of starting a new life from scratch was, he could still feel a reassuring warmth deep within him at the mere thought that he had Jared by his side. He could deal with Chris being mad at him, Steve probably worrying about his sanity, and the uncertainty of not knowing where his new path might lead him if it gave him a shot at finding happiness with the scrawny young man, who had come to mean so much to him. Inhaling Jared’s clean, soapy scent, Jensen just knew he would be worth the pain and effort.

Chapter 6