Fic: BigBang 2010 - The Lord Moves In Mysterious Ways (4/7+Epilogue)
Title: The Lord Moves In Mysterious Ways
Author: mpregloveranon
Betas: munibunny & sexytexanjra
Artist: vamptastica
Pairing: Jensen/Jared, (Steve/Chris as minor characters)
Raiting: NC-17
Warnings: AU, Mpreg, mentions of abuse and prostitution, character death (none of the boys! - SPOILERS: miscarriage and viewing of the deceased child as well as emotional aftermath of the loss), H/C, angst, some swearing
Disclaimer: I just own a kinky imagination. Every event in this story is purely fictional and I don’t intend to step on anyone’s toes or make money with this.
Summary: Jensen is a young priest who has a special place in his heart for street kids. One day he finds Jared, a teenaged hooker, wandering the streets in some state of shock, and decides to help him. Jensen takes Jared in and finds out the kid is pregnant, which only increases his determination to help the troubled teen. A tragic event only brings them closer to each other and Jensen is forced to make a decision: Love or Faith.
Special thanks:
@ sexytexanjra: Thank you so much for all your help and support! You know that I wouldn’t be posting this if it wasn’t for you and I can’t thank you enough for that. You managed to bring back my excitement for the whole BigBang experience and I’m so happy for all the suggestions you’ve made and that you’ve listened to me rant about everything and nothing for the past few months. :D I’m so glad that we’ve become friend and that I have found someone with such similar tastes when it comes to fanfic. ;)
@munibunny: I’m so happy that Ange pointed me in your direction and that you accepted to beta my first BigBang fic! You helped me so much with the grammar stuff and all your plot-related suggestions. :D Thank you so much for that!
@vamptastica: I love the artpost you’ve put together for my fic! When I first saw that you had picked my fic to do the art for it I went to check out your work and was really excited but you’ve definitely exceeded my expectations! Thank you for all the goodies you’ve made and that you went through the trouble of finding the right pictures to make priest!Jensen manips for the fic. :D The pics really captured the mood of the fic.
@everyone else: This is my very first BigBang fic and I really hope that you enjoy the read. Please let me know what you think about it. Suggestions and constructive criticism are also welcome but please don't flame. ;)
Previous Chapters: 1 2 3
~o~ Chapter 4 ~o~
After the short but very touching prayer for little David’s innocent soul, Chris had left both men alone for a moment and gotten a wheelchair for them. Jensen was clearly too shaky to carry Jared, but at same time, neither of them wanted to let go of the other. Silently, he had wheeled them back to Jared’s room and said goodbye to finally go home after a long eighteen hour shift.
Then, Steve had dropped in to take Jared’s temperature and blood pressure, which had both been a bit low but nowhere near critical levels, and do a quick exam of his patient’s reproductive organs.
Jared had been quite alert after seeing David, which had apparently helped him to get some kind of closure, but when the doctor started gently palpating his deflating abdomen, he had retreated back into his own little world. The subsequent anal exam had brought fresh tears of distress to the fragile boy’s eyes and Jensen had been quite surprised by the strength with which Jared had grabbed and frantically squeezed his arm until Steve had stopped the prodding.
After finishing his check-up the physician had passed Jared a clean health bill and told him that he could leave the clinic whenever he felt ready for it. Jared had promptly tried to scramble out of bed at the prospect of going home and Jensen had done his best to restrain him before he could hurt himself in his frenzy.
They had put the clothes, which Chris had brought them, on and Steve paid the cab driver up front because Jensen didn’t have his wallet on him.
Now, they were finally back in his apartment and Jensen had no idea what to do. Apparently, Chris had not only gotten them some clothes but also changed the blood soaked sheets on the bed and probably let some fresh air in because the bedroom looked and smelled clean upon their return. The priest made a quick mental note to call and thank his friend one more time for everything he had done for them.
He helped Jared slip under the pristine new bed sheets and got him a glass of orange juice and a sandwich. Steve had made it clear that Jared needed a healthy diet plan and lots of rest to get his strength back.
“Just a few bites, Jay. You heard what Steve said… You need to get your strength back and that won’t happen if you don’t eat… Do you want something else? I can make some soup or order some takeout maybe… Just tell me what you’re in the mood for,” he pleaded and dropped his head in frustration when Jared only shook his head at him. “Fine, if you don’t want to eat anything, yet, then at least drink something… You need lots of fluids… Please, just try to take a few sips, baby.” Jensen only noticed his slip-up when it was already too late and he steeled himself for any kind of emotional outburst that would come, but Jared’s only reaction was to gently lay a flat palm on his still faintly rounded stomach.
Wordlessly, Jared extended a skinny hand to take the sandwich from the plate in Jensen’s hand and began nibbling at it.
Jensen was sure that the next few days wouldn’t be easy for them but he tried to keep his spirits up. He had been trained for several kinds of counseling during seminary, but this felt like totally new ground. There was no way to predict Jared’s reactions, and therefore, the young priest had no idea what to say or do around him.
Completely lost in his thoughts, Jensen snapped out of it again when Jared put the half eaten food back on the plate he was still holding in his lap.
“Thank you,” he whispered.
There was no reply from Jared’s side but he leaned over to rest his head against Jensen’s shoulder.
“Are you tired? Wait, I’ll give you a hand.” Jensen threw the covers back and lifted the skinny boy back into his arms with gentle moves, easing him down onto the mattress again, and laying him on his back. He could only imagine how sore the kid was by the way his face scrunched up every time he tried to shift his position all by himself. “If you need anything just call me, okay?”
“No!” Came the quick and frightened reply underlined by bony fingers clutching at the priest’s wrist.
“Okay. I’ll stay with you until you fall asleep.”
It seemed that Jared didn’t like that option either because he continued to tug at his benefactor’s arm with all his strength, trying to pull him onto the bed as well.
Reluctantly, Jensen toed his shoes off and lay down on top of the covers, facing Jared. “I guess we could both use a nap. Close your eyes, Jay.” He pressed a chaste kiss to the boy’s temple and closed his own eyes. “I won’t go anywhere.”
The next week was, as expected, hard on both men. Jared was slowly healing on a physical level, he had started to eat regularly and was getting his strength back, but he still spent most of the time in bed. Jensen had barely left his side. He ate with him, helped to bathe him, and generally spent hours on end sitting with him, mostly in silence while watching some television. Jensen had also packed up his blanket and pillow and moved back into his bedroom because Jared wasn’t ready to sleep on his own yet. While Jared huddled under the thick fluffy covers, Jensen slept over the bedding with his own woolen blanket to keep some space between them, but in the mornings he, more often than not, woke up with the kid nestling into him, head pillowed on his chest while still asleep.
Chris’ well-meant words from a few days back were constantly running through Jensen’s head and he couldn’t deny that his old friend was right. He was indeed neglecting his obligations towards his faith and mission, and his priorities had really started to change when he had taken Jared in. That boy had slowly but surely snuck his way into Jensen’s heart and taken a big part of the room that God, the church, and his vocation had filled before. “I’ve never seen anyone get under your skin like this kid. I’m worried that you’re about to do something you might regret later on, Jen.” His friend’s voice echoed inside his mind every night when he lay down next to Jared, when he held him after his recurring nightmares, and when he kissed his forehead to soothe him when the pain became too much to bear silently and they cried together.
As old habits died hard, Jensen was still up around five in the morning and had soon found out that he had a couple of hours to get some work done before Jared woke. He felt bad because he had been forced to break his workout routine in order to catch up with paper work which had been accumulating since taking care of Jared had become his main priority. Besides he still didn’t feel able to go back to his duties and say the mass or to take his place in the confessional, so he had talked to father Morgan and another young priest had been sent to take care of his parish for a couple of weeks. Jensen had only seen the new guy upon his arrival, when he had knocked at his door, introduced himself, and asked for the key to the second smaller apartment in the back of the church.
He hadn’t even been able to leave Jared for an hour to attend Sunday mass because he was still afraid that the kid might snap and do something stupid or maybe run but then the day of the Baker Baptism arrived. Jensen had talked to the young parents about their baby girl’s Baptism a few weeks before and he felt obligated to them. So he woke up early and went over the ritual a few times while Jared was still sleeping.
“Jay…” He gently shook Jared’s shoulder, feeling bad for pulling him out of his much needed sleep but more afraid to let him wake up alone and probably freak out. As still unfocused, hazel eyes blinked open, he gave Jared a warm, apologetic smile. “I have to leave for the service in a few minutes. We talked about it yesterday, do you remember?”
Blinking the sleep out of his eyes, Jared slowly nodded.
“Will you be okay on your own? It’ll only take an hour but… I talked to the Bakers and Paul is prepared to jump in and do the Baptism if you need me here,” Jensen quickly explained the situation one last time, not wanting to put too much pressure on Jared.
Jared nodded again. “It’s okay…”
Jensen tried to take the answer at face value even if he was still reluctant to leave the apartment. “I’ll come back as soon as I can,” he promised, pressing a quick, affectionate kiss to Jared’s forehead and walking out of the room before he had time to change his mind again.
The Baptism went pretty well, considering that Jensen had to fight the tears once he saw the happy couple with their beautiful, healthy baby girl. Emily was two months old and had a head full of dark curls and smart, chocolate brown eyes. She looked nothing like David, but seeing her and her proud parents still pulled at Jensen’s heartstrings.
Trying to shake those images out of his thoughts, Jensen ran up the stairs to his apartment, anxious to get back to Jared. He still had the inkling that it had been too soon to leave Jared on his own. Taking two steps at a time, he finally pulled the door open and listened for any unusual noises, but the apartment lay in complete silence. Maybe Jared had gone back to sleep after he had left.
He walked straight towards the bedroom which was empty, but before he could start to panic, he saw light erupting from under the bathroom door. Sighing in relief, Jensen knocked on the closed door. “I’m back home now,” he announced, taking off his collar and undoing the top button of his black shirt, eager to change into more comfortable clothes. “Are you okay, Jay?”
Jared had crawled out of bed as soon as the front door to the apartment he had been calling his home for the past two weeks had clicked shut. He had still been a bit shaky on his legs but managed the short distance to the bathroom without problems. Since Jensen had taken him in, he hadn’t really found the time to venture through the cabinets but he was sure that he would find the supplies he needed for what he was about to do.
His mind had turned to auto-pilot as soon as he had opened the small cabinet above the bathroom counter and found the box of male tampons and the bottle of the oily hand lotion, which he had seen Jensen use before. Even in his weird dazed state he knew that he had to be quick if he didn’t want to be caught, so he took the items and carefully placed them on the edge of the tub.
The few minutes he had spent on his feet had taken their toll on him and he had sat down on the closed toilet lid opposite the bathtub for a moment to gather his strength. His right hand instinctively went to his midsection and slipped underneath the soft blue cotton of the oversized t-shirt he had slept in, gently touching the still puffy flesh tenderly. Closing his eyes briefly, he inhaled and exhaled deeply a couple of times, feeling tears well up behind his closed eyelids. Steve had said he was physically healing but he couldn’t overcome the growing feeling of emptiness inside him.
Rising onto wobbly legs, Jared stripped out of his t-shirt and boxers, letting the clothes fall to the floor carelessly as he went back to the tub and started fumbling with the shower head to get it off the attached hose. He couldn’t stand the emptiness any longer. It just wasn’t right. He might have made mistakes but he had wanted to get his life under control again after talking to Jensen before going to sleep on that fateful night that had taken everything from him.
Wet trails were running down Jared’s cheeks when he finally reached for the hand lotion, squeezing it liberally onto the smooth shower hose. His fingers were trembling with nerves and his breath came in uneven gasps as he braced himself against the wall with one bent arm and pressed the free end of the hose between his buttocks. The intrusion hurt at first and felt foreign after two weeks of freedom from turning tricks, but he gritted his teeth and tried to breathe through the pain as he forced the object deeper into his body.
It took him several minutes to get used to the stretch but then he reached for the faucet and very carefully turned the water flow on. The feeling off warm water slowly trickling into him soothed him instantly, even if it was the first time that he was taking an enema voluntarily and not because one of his weirder Johns had demanded him to take one before fucking him. Cautiously, he bent his upper body forward, holding onto the edge of the bathtub while closing his eyes and softly stroking his gradually filling belly with his free hand.
He had been so lost inside own his head that he didn’t hear the front door opening or Jensen knocking on the bathroom door shortly after, so he froze in shock and humiliation when said door was suddenly pushed open and Jensen stepped in with a shocked expression on his usually calm features.
The lack of answer to his question unsettled Jensen and he burst into the small bathroom, trying to steel himself for whatever he might find inside and at the same time dreading what he would discover. Upon seeing Jared’s huge, hazel eyes staring at him, he felt instant relief wash through him because Jared was still there and apparently not hurt, but then he took the scene in more closely. Jared was naked and looked terrified and close to tears as he rubbed his shockingly rounded stomach unconsciously. Jensen’s minds was going a mile a minute as he tried to figure out what had happened but then his eyes drifted from the shower head, which lay discarded on the tiles, to the hose, which apparently disappeared between the teenager’s pale buttocks.
Lifting a hand to his mouth in utter shock, Jensen’s eyes widened in understanding and he rushed over to Jared’s side. Wordlessly, he wrapped an arm around Jared’s chest, pulling him closer until Jared’s head rested against his shoulder. His free hand went to Jared’s naked back and calmly stroked up and down his knobby spine.
They sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity; neither of them knowing what to say, but Jensen could feel Jared start trembling inside his awkward embrace and broke the silence. “Shhh… It’s going to be okay,” he hushed affectionately, but was alarmed by the hitched breath he got in return. Watching the fragile teen rub his swollen belly frantically, he at last understood what was causing his now obvious discomfort and quickly reached for the faucet to cut the water flow off. He could have smacked himself for not thinking of it earlier, but it wasn’t the right time to lay blame. Rubbing soothing circles on Jared’s lower back, he whispered close to his ear quietly. “Try to relax, Jared.” His fingers brushed gradually lower until they finally circled around the plastic hose. “Shhh… I’ve got you, Jay,” he promised sincerely, hoping that his voice sounded steadier than he was feeling as he gently shifted the teen closer to the tub, so his bottom was slightly hanging over the porcelain. Then he pressed a soft kiss to Jared’s temple and carefully pulled the intrusive object out of him, all the while murmuring soothing words to the whimpering teen as his exhausted body expelled water into the bathtub.
Jared felt drained and mortified inside the strong arms gently holding onto him. He was trying to get a grip on his emotions but just couldn’t stop sniffling and making pathetic whimpering noises. He was torn between wanting to be left alone in his misery and craving Jensen’s warm, soothing presence right next to him.
He started sobbing brokenly when the water started leaving his aching body, feeling totally lost and frightened of what would happen next. Jensen had been putting up with all his crying for so long that his patience had to be wearing thin quickly. He had given the kind man nothing but trouble since they had met. He wanted to apologize for being so weak and needy but he couldn’t find his voice, so he just clawed at the older man’s black shirt and cried into his shoulder.
“I’m so sorry, Jay! I shouldn’t have left you alone…” Jensen confessed equally defeated, clutching Jared to his chest and gently rocking him. “Please, let me take care of you.”
He croaked past the lump that was quickly forming in his throat. Jared kept quietly crying without showing any reaction to his whispered words but Jensen could tell that he was getting cold. Stretching out an arm, Jensen pulled a fluffy white towel from its rack.
“Don’t panic, Jay, I just need to check if you hurt yourself,” he explained calmly and carefully pressed the towel to the shaking boy’s bottom, breathing out in relief when it came back without any traces of blood. “Let’s get you back in bed, Jay,” he then said and bundled the boy up into his arms, not caring to cover his nakedness.
In the bedroom, Jensen laid his precious cargo onto the soft mattress, quickly toed off his shoes while unbuttoning his shirt and stripping out of his black dress pants. Then, he climbed into the bed next to Jared. After pulling the covers over both of them, he tenderly curled his arms around Jared’s shivering form and held him close.
“Shhh… Try to relax. Maybe a nap will be good for both of us,” he murmured lovingly, carding the fingers of his left hand through the boy’s silky curls. “Close your eyes, Jay. I won’t go anywhere.” He whispered the mantra he had been repeating every night for a whole week. The only difference this time was that his underwear was the only barrier between him and Jared and that thought made him nervous.
He had noticed how he was slowly letting his guard down around Jared and how they had become very close in a fairly short amount of time. At first it had been only about comfort. Jared had needed someone to just be there for him and Jensen had thought that physical proximity might be appropriate in that case but lately his feelings seemed to have changed. He wasn’t sure if he was only trying to help Jared in a completely altruistic way or if he was acting up on other feelings that were anything but suitable for a man in his position.
Growing up with Steve and Chris, had given him glimpses of what life outside the church could be like but he had always known that he wanted to devote his life to God. Many people would probably loose all faith if they had lost their whole family like Jensen had but somehow that tragic event had only brought him closer to God. Father Jeff Morgan had definitely played an important role in that decision even if only passively. He had basically raised Jensen like a son and Jensen had always looked up to the man. Jeff had actually encouraged him to do normal kid stuff with his friends but even in his teens Jensen had always been very reserved and a little shy around people.
He remembered how Steve had always looked out for him in school while Chris had made it his job to try and set Jensen up with cute girls. Indeed Jensen had dated a few girls back in those days but it had never felt right and, in the end, had only reinforced his decision to become a man of God. Thinking back, he wasn’t so sure if he might already have been attracted to men back then. He had never had a problem with Chris and Steve’s relationship when they had become a couple but Jensen never had doubted his own sexual orientation before. He had never been attracted to either man or women until Jared had walked into his life.
Jared had thrown his whole life upside down and Jensen still couldn’t put his finger on the reason behind it. He had only wanted to help the young man like he had helped so many others before but Jared had woken up something that Jensen didn’t know was even in him. It wasn’t just charity that had led Jensen to take him in and care for him. There had been some kind of bond between them as soon as Jensen had laid eyes on Jared. Seeing Jared struggle with his past and loosing little David had only strengthened that bond of genuine affection. On a subconscious level Jensen already knew that he couldn’t fight those feelings even if they frightened him.
Tightening his embrace, Jensen’s last thoughts before drifting to sleep, lulled by Jared’s soft, even breathing, were that he really needed to make a decision soon. On one side was his faith, which had kept him alive and happy through so much in the past, and on the other side there was the promise of earthly love and happiness, lying right in his arms. He was still reluctant to choose between those two mutually exclusive options but the recent incident was tilting the scale towards the more mundane choice. It had shown Jensen how fragile Jared was, how much he was still hurting and Jensen wanted to take that hurt away more than anything else.
Chapter 5