Rooftop, about midnight

[mparkerceo]

Parker was smoking on the roof again, well past the time anyone would catch her. She watched the smoke rise into the sky, and thought about what a very long, dreary day it had been, and wearily wondered: if time was supposed to make being heartbroken better, why did it seem to get steadily worse

Comments

[anextimeagent]

"I'll stay, and you won't feel like this forever." Jack wiped the tears off her face and smiled. "But no cigarettes. I'm not watching you do that to yourself. And I know," he paused, feeling the tiniest pang of guilt as he deliberately went for the throat, "I know you won't make me watch one of the only people - in the entire universe - that I love make themselves sick."

[mparkerceo]

Which just broke her, that right there. No more sense, no more words, just Parker crying, unable to see straight for the tears, because damnit, she could take verbal abuse, she could take yelling, she could stand up to threats, but she was such a damn wimp when people were nice to her. She hated it. She loved Jack for it, but she hated herself, and...

She was probably babbling in and among this, about how it had been inevitable, and she'd known it would end, and there were other guys out there, there would be other guys, she just, damnit, wanted that one back for another six months, was that too much to ask? Really?

[anextimeagent]

Jack scooped her up and carried her over to the couch, settling down with her on his lap, holding her close and muttering soothing nonsense in her ear while she cried. He really didn't know what else to do.

[mparkerceo]

Parker stopped talking after a while, and just kept crying, hating herself, but not able to stop, until she was too exhausted to do anything but gasp for breath. Jack holding her was infinitely better than no one holding her, but it still didn't fix the fact that Jarod would never be doing this again. That she wasn't even sure she wanted him to, now. Not like things were. "If you used... being a Time Agent... to fix this." She swallowed. "That would be wrong. Yes?"

[anextimeagent]

"Yes." It was unequivocal, but he softened it by resting his cheek against her hair. "Parker, this is just -- you're going to survive. You know you are."

[mparkerceo]

"What's the point? We had this plan..." She took a huge breath, still trying to get some control back, and held onto him tightly. "It was a good plan, and he's gone, and it won't work, and I can't do it by myself, or, I can, it just scares me more now."

Parker went limp against Jack, feeling half-drunk on tears and spent rage. The warmth of him against her was the only tangible thing in the world, almost. The only point of reference to start from. She rubbed her face against his shirt, closed her eyes as she tightened her grip on him, and let a painful sigh escape. "It's all messed up." God, her voice sounded like she'd been smoking cigarettes for years again, not just three days.

[anextimeagent]

"The point of surviving is to survive." He couldn't get any closer, but he tried, wanting to block out the whole world for her. "It's all messed up, this is hellish, Parker, but we'll get through it. We always do. You're not alone, and if I can help with your plan, I will."

[mparkerceo]

"Thanks." She wanted to sleep. She wanted to not think. But if she slept, she'd replay the whole horrible fight, word for word, all the things he said, the look on Jarod's face when she hurled those accusations at him. Parker wanted to be sick and get it over with. Or, maybe, have her fingers cut off. That would hurt less. And then it would be over. The idea of weeks of feeling like this, maybe months, was overwhelming. She lifted her head, and studied Jack though heavy-lidded and tear-swollen eyes.

[anextimeagent]

He caressed her face, fingertips barely brushing her skin, as if she might crumble under stronger pressure. "What can I do? Right now, what can I do to start making this better?"

[mparkerceo]

Parker leaned into his touch, still watching him, then very gently leaned forward and kissed him on the mouth. It was a hopeful kiss, a please-kiss-me-back caress, broken by how much she was still shaking.

[anextimeagent]

And Jack kissed her back, very gently, very carefully, but it was as chaste as he could make it, speaking of love and friendship and worry, and nothing more. Thumb brushing her cheek, he kissed her eyelids, the bridge of her nose, her forehead, then pulled away with a regretful smile. "I can't, Parker, I'm sorry, and you wouldn't want me to."

[mparkerceo]

"I would have, I--" Parker buried her face in his shoulder again, feeling her cheeks flame as she finally remembered Sam, and Cedric, and... "Jesus. You must think I'm pathetic." She started to push away, not looking at him. "I'm sorry, that was wrong and stupid and selfish--"

[anextimeagent]

"No. No it wasn't. If I thought it would help, I would, even though it's not just me anymore," and if they ever heard about this, he hoped both of them would understand, "I would, and consequences be damned. But it would just make things worse." He tightened his arms, refusing to allow her to leave; she'd have to seriously hurt him to get away. "You're not pathetic and you never have to apologise to me. Ever."

[mparkerceo]

Bewildered, Parker stared at him a moment, then nodded, speechless. She pulled her legs up, and curled into his side, arms going tentatively around him.

[anextimeagent]

Jack twisted so he could curve around her, as much as their positions would allow. "I don't know what to do for you, except be here," he said softly, almost regretting his refusal, because at least that would have been something he knew how to do. "Is there anything you need? Water? Aspirin? Blanket?"

[mparkerceo]

"Water," she whispered. "Blanket." After a pause. "Esme. M." She buried her head in his chest. "You."