I hate holidays now
According to the rumor mill, Soko Matsumura (one of my collaborators) is short-listed for a lectureship at University College-London. Good for her! Now why didn't I apply to this?
I feel kind of screwed up right now, or something like that. To where my attempts to make myself feel better only result in me feeling worse ...
For the past 2 1/2 months or so I've been going to counseling to deal with the fallout from Maria. The experience has been beneficial in many ways. As a result of talking with Carisa,
- I no longer believe that Maria's affair was my fault for not meeting her needs, or that I deserved it because I just wasn't a good enough mate. No one *deserves* to be the victim of an affair.
Had she said "Thayne, you don't see me enough and you're not attractive enough and you're a dork. If these things don't change I'm going to start sleeping with someone else and leave you" that would have been one thing. I would have accepted it and adjust accordingly. But that never happened. She had first met this guy only weeks after we had gotten engaged and was fucking him within a month. There's nothing I could have done to 'fix' that. That's on her.
- Likewise, I don't feel responsible for the relationship ending. I tried to mend it. I kept asking what was wrong. Offered to fly out there more often. Suggested that we go to counseling. I did my part. She didn't do hers.
- I no longer want her back. Maria is dead to me. Or rather, I have concluded that the person I knew and loved as "Maria" is gone forever. The human being commonly called `Rufang Lu' (her real name) exists, but since there is no more "Maria", there is nothing to have back.
On the other hand, the holidays have made things much worse. Especially Thanksgiving. My 3 year old niece Kaylee asked my parents "Where's Maria?". Parents: "Maria is not coming this year". Kaylee: "Why?" Parents: "Maria and Thayne are not friends anymore". Kaylee: "Why?" Ugh.
I'm glad that my sister, my brother in law and their two kids came and had fun, but it didn't make me feel very well. Actually, seeing them play and have fun was awful. After a few minutes of seeing my nieces, I had to leave the room to be by myself. Similarly, seeing my parents, two aunt/uncle pairs, and sister/brother-in-law interact together was awful. Their relationships are generally very strong, and whatever their problems are fidelity is not one of them.
I felt this overwhelming sense of being mocked by the universe: "haha, see YOU think that you would have this but NOOOO this happiness is not for you. Have fun being old and alone and childless for the rest of your life!!" It's almost enough to make me want to find a mail-order bride.
At least during Thanksgiving I was around people who would talk with me. When I got back to DC, not so much. There is work, yes, but people don't actually work very long hours at Goddard. And there is church, but that only lasts an hour. These days I wish it would carry on all day. The evenings are the worst. Especially on the weekends. I started feeling constant need to not be physically alone. I've lost count of the number of personals ads I've replied to. 20, maybe?
The problem has become so crushing in the past week, that it is deeply cutting into my work productivity. If I were happy I could simply proceed with the day's plans without much interruption. Instead, I'm getting about as much done as I did a month after "Maria" left me, which is to say 'not much'.
I feel kind of screwed up right now, or something like that. To where my attempts to make myself feel better only result in me feeling worse ...
For the past 2 1/2 months or so I've been going to counseling to deal with the fallout from Maria. The experience has been beneficial in many ways. As a result of talking with Carisa,
- I no longer believe that Maria's affair was my fault for not meeting her needs, or that I deserved it because I just wasn't a good enough mate. No one *deserves* to be the victim of an affair.
Had she said "Thayne, you don't see me enough and you're not attractive enough and you're a dork. If these things don't change I'm going to start sleeping with someone else and leave you" that would have been one thing. I would have accepted it and adjust accordingly. But that never happened. She had first met this guy only weeks after we had gotten engaged and was fucking him within a month. There's nothing I could have done to 'fix' that. That's on her.
- Likewise, I don't feel responsible for the relationship ending. I tried to mend it. I kept asking what was wrong. Offered to fly out there more often. Suggested that we go to counseling. I did my part. She didn't do hers.
- I no longer want her back. Maria is dead to me. Or rather, I have concluded that the person I knew and loved as "Maria" is gone forever. The human being commonly called `Rufang Lu' (her real name) exists, but since there is no more "Maria", there is nothing to have back.
On the other hand, the holidays have made things much worse. Especially Thanksgiving. My 3 year old niece Kaylee asked my parents "Where's Maria?". Parents: "Maria is not coming this year". Kaylee: "Why?" Parents: "Maria and Thayne are not friends anymore". Kaylee: "Why?" Ugh.
I'm glad that my sister, my brother in law and their two kids came and had fun, but it didn't make me feel very well. Actually, seeing them play and have fun was awful. After a few minutes of seeing my nieces, I had to leave the room to be by myself. Similarly, seeing my parents, two aunt/uncle pairs, and sister/brother-in-law interact together was awful. Their relationships are generally very strong, and whatever their problems are fidelity is not one of them.
I felt this overwhelming sense of being mocked by the universe: "haha, see YOU think that you would have this but NOOOO this happiness is not for you. Have fun being old and alone and childless for the rest of your life!!" It's almost enough to make me want to find a mail-order bride.
At least during Thanksgiving I was around people who would talk with me. When I got back to DC, not so much. There is work, yes, but people don't actually work very long hours at Goddard. And there is church, but that only lasts an hour. These days I wish it would carry on all day. The evenings are the worst. Especially on the weekends. I started feeling constant need to not be physically alone. I've lost count of the number of personals ads I've replied to. 20, maybe?
The problem has become so crushing in the past week, that it is deeply cutting into my work productivity. If I were happy I could simply proceed with the day's plans without much interruption. Instead, I'm getting about as much done as I did a month after "Maria" left me, which is to say 'not much'.