I want to be Satan when I grow up
Today my atheist group held an event called Bake Sale for Your Soul, in which we had people sell us their souls in exchange for a cookie. It was fucking awesome.
It was basically me and a group of people sitting at a table in the College Center yelling at people as they walked by, "Hey, wanna sell your soul.....for a cookie?" And them replying, "Wait...what?...do.....what?.....what?....wait...what?" and generally looking horrified. Followed by hysterical laughter from me and me mates.
We would then proceed to explain to the young Faustians that if they signed over their souls to our posession, they would receive in exchange a delicious homemade chocolate chip cookie. Oh, it was a deal that few could resist. If they agreed it to, we had them sign
I, ______________________, do hereby sign over all possession, ownership, control, and authority regarding my soul to the Atheist League of Vassar College (ALVC). This does not provide any rights regarding my physical body to the ALVC, nor to any aspect of my personhood outside of my soul, spirit, or essence. I understand that this does not equate to the presentation of my soul to Satan, with my future destination being Hell. If God and/or Satan are later discovered to exist, the ALVC will be pleased to auction my soul off to whichever has a greater interest and offers a higher bid. If Heaven and/or Hell exist in the potential Afterlife, I understand that my soul’s destination will be determined solely by the afore-mentioned Auction, and I cannot receive any guarantee from the ALVC regarding my Final Destination.
I have read and understood the above contract, and hereby surrender my soul to the ALVC with no intention of attempting to retrieve my soul at a later date. I understand that all sales are final, and that any attempt to retrieve possession of my soul, even for the purpose of designating it to a given religion, will be rejected. The ALVC apologizes in advance for any inconvenience arising from said policy.
In conclusion, I hereby acknowledge that my signature on this form asserts that I am no longer in possession of my soul. Ownership of my soul has been transferred to the ALVC in totality, for the price of ______________________.
X___________________________________
Customer
Which we then put into a cookie jar labeled "Souls." I now have in my possession a jar full of 75 souls, some of which belonged to professors, including my favorite professor, and my religious studies professor from a class I took last year. You have no idea how happy it makes me to have a jar of souls sitting in my room.
It was so much fun asking people if they want to sell their soul. I can't even explain the joy I felt; it's really one of those things you have to experience for yourself. Being Satan feels so damn good! If only I could do it for a living. It was so fascinating watching people's reactions. Almost everyone gave shock face at first, most people then laughed, some then said what we were doing was hilarious/awesome/etc., some expressed disapprovement, and one douchey-douche said we were "stupid."
There were a few people who said they were atheists, but felt "uncomfortable" selling their soul to us. There were a few who thought that if they signed over their soul to us, it would somehow make them an antheist. There were a few who didn't want to sign because they were holding out for a better offer. There was a surprisingly large number of people who signed without even having to think about it. There was one guy who thought we were selling the cookies, came up to our table, picked two up and asked how much they were, at which point I informed him that we were not accepting money, only souls, at which he dropped the cookies as if I had told him they were made of cow shit, and grumpily replied, "No sale!" and walked away.
At one point a girl of about 10 walked by with her mother, and I, in the creepiest voice I could muster, asked the lass, "Hey, little girl, wanna sell your soul for a cookie?" The girl laughed, the mother said "no."
I also sold my own soul to myself, the metaphysical implications of which I am having a jolly good time considering.
In conclusion, it was bloody brilliant, and if anyone of you would like to sell your soul to me, I'm still buying. Let's work something out.
It was basically me and a group of people sitting at a table in the College Center yelling at people as they walked by, "Hey, wanna sell your soul.....for a cookie?" And them replying, "Wait...what?...do.....what?.....what?....wait...what?" and generally looking horrified. Followed by hysterical laughter from me and me mates.
We would then proceed to explain to the young Faustians that if they signed over their souls to our posession, they would receive in exchange a delicious homemade chocolate chip cookie. Oh, it was a deal that few could resist. If they agreed it to, we had them sign
I, ______________________, do hereby sign over all possession, ownership, control, and authority regarding my soul to the Atheist League of Vassar College (ALVC). This does not provide any rights regarding my physical body to the ALVC, nor to any aspect of my personhood outside of my soul, spirit, or essence. I understand that this does not equate to the presentation of my soul to Satan, with my future destination being Hell. If God and/or Satan are later discovered to exist, the ALVC will be pleased to auction my soul off to whichever has a greater interest and offers a higher bid. If Heaven and/or Hell exist in the potential Afterlife, I understand that my soul’s destination will be determined solely by the afore-mentioned Auction, and I cannot receive any guarantee from the ALVC regarding my Final Destination.
I have read and understood the above contract, and hereby surrender my soul to the ALVC with no intention of attempting to retrieve my soul at a later date. I understand that all sales are final, and that any attempt to retrieve possession of my soul, even for the purpose of designating it to a given religion, will be rejected. The ALVC apologizes in advance for any inconvenience arising from said policy.
In conclusion, I hereby acknowledge that my signature on this form asserts that I am no longer in possession of my soul. Ownership of my soul has been transferred to the ALVC in totality, for the price of ______________________.
X___________________________________
Customer
Which we then put into a cookie jar labeled "Souls." I now have in my possession a jar full of 75 souls, some of which belonged to professors, including my favorite professor, and my religious studies professor from a class I took last year. You have no idea how happy it makes me to have a jar of souls sitting in my room.
It was so much fun asking people if they want to sell their soul. I can't even explain the joy I felt; it's really one of those things you have to experience for yourself. Being Satan feels so damn good! If only I could do it for a living. It was so fascinating watching people's reactions. Almost everyone gave shock face at first, most people then laughed, some then said what we were doing was hilarious/awesome/etc., some expressed disapprovement, and one douchey-douche said we were "stupid."
There were a few people who said they were atheists, but felt "uncomfortable" selling their soul to us. There were a few who thought that if they signed over their soul to us, it would somehow make them an antheist. There were a few who didn't want to sign because they were holding out for a better offer. There was a surprisingly large number of people who signed without even having to think about it. There was one guy who thought we were selling the cookies, came up to our table, picked two up and asked how much they were, at which point I informed him that we were not accepting money, only souls, at which he dropped the cookies as if I had told him they were made of cow shit, and grumpily replied, "No sale!" and walked away.
At one point a girl of about 10 walked by with her mother, and I, in the creepiest voice I could muster, asked the lass, "Hey, little girl, wanna sell your soul for a cookie?" The girl laughed, the mother said "no."
I also sold my own soul to myself, the metaphysical implications of which I am having a jolly good time considering.
In conclusion, it was bloody brilliant, and if anyone of you would like to sell your soul to me, I'm still buying. Let's work something out.