Peace please.

Aug 22, 2007 22:09

Think I will be setting up yet another lj/blog for my family to read while I am in the UK. My aunt & uncle & little cousins from Perth will be reading it too and I think I want to keep some things out of view :P Not that I am going to wreak havoc in the UK (I mean hello, in West Midlands! In Leamington Spa are you kidding!?) but yah... hopefully you get what I mean.

I'm going to buy a new camera, so erm. If/when I am not to busy I will upload... this time I really will make an effort! Sorry I really am usually lazy with uploading pictures on blogs :/

And yes, I am rather sad, scared and burdened by the thought of leaving. I very often feel like crying when I think of going away. And I've had dreams of me going away recently where I wake up with plenty of "eye shit" and realise it's cause I've been crying whilst I sleep :( Please pray for me! I really think God is teaching me to be reliant on Him again. I've spent the past two and a half years being pretty much reliant on my own strength... I think I've gone right back to the start and it all seems so daunting having to go back and seek closeness again. I know I have the answers, the facts, I've had the apologetics and things drilled into my head from when I was a lot younger, but all of it I know in the head and I am no longer sure if I know in the heart.

When Aunt Serene called from Perth today I really treasured that phonecall, realising that it would probably be the last time I ever hear from her until I come back. And when she told me to pray and ask for God's guidance because I have noone else but Him to rely on when I am alone, I felt really sad and then I realised that's the lesson He wants me to learn... and it seems that, yes, He has to really take me thousands of miles away to learn that one important lesson. A lot of things I've wanted to be as a Christian when I was little, yet two things especially stood out as I read my children's bible from cover to cover many times over. 1) Solomon asking for wisdom, and because he asked for such a great gift the Lord gave it to him, 2) David being touted in the bible as "a man after God's own heart". When I was a kid I wanted to be wise as Solomon, so I asked God for wisdom. I think in some ways He did bless me with it... but like I said, a lot of it is head knowledge. From a young age He blessed me with people who would constantly field the God v. science debate, I knew what right from wrong was... a lot of things to me where black & white. Where people saw grey areas, I saw the absolute contrasting colours. Yet it is nothing to boast about, just as when Solomon went ahead to build the temple for God when God clearly said it should not be done... He was/is still the wisest man that ever lived, but like God said, he was very unlike his father for he did not seek God's own heart. Wisdom without obedience is nothing - it is like having steak with a sharp knife but no fork.

It is a constant struggle for me to find peace in my heart about going away... and everyday the date comes closer and closer. In exactly 2 weeks I will be at the airport saying my goodbyes with tear-filled eyes and a reluctant, longing heart. But with that, I want peace.... I want it very badly but I don't know how to attain it. I know it comes with surrender, so is it then that when I say I surrender all that I am just paying mere lip service? Time to align heart, mind & spirit. If I do not have peace, I don't think I can leave and be happy in the UK at all. I will be absolutely miserable without God's peace in my heart. I know it, that's why I desperately seek it.
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