(no subject)
So I've found that doing my little meme for the past few days has got me thinking about doing some serious updates again. I realize that it has been awhile and I'm finally getting to a point where I can explain myself.
2010 has been one hell of a year for me. It has actually been a horrific year in my life. I have been battling myself since my surgery in February and have been battling depression since then. When my healing went south and half of my incision went necrotic, I kind of lost it. I can't explain how horrible it is to look at yourself in the mirror and see a huge gaping wound staring back at you. At that point when my doctor had to open the entire front side of my body, I stopped taking pictures of myself. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. Changing my bandages twice a day was the worst part of my day. Most days I cried when I had to change the bandage. It took six months for the wound to heal itself....and literally two days after that wound healed I was in the emergency room having a severe gallbladder attack that was causing me to turn yellow. After having the emergency gallbladder surgery, I watched in horror as my body puffed up again. And I knew during all that time that at some point I would have go to back to my doctor to have an additional surgery to fix the scarring left by my original surgery.
I had that surgery on October 29th. It was another horrific experience because I was only given local anethesia and I was awake the entire time my doctor was cutting and sewing. There were points during the surgery when my doctor would hit a nerve and I would cry out. I'm glad now that I was at least hidden from my body so my doctor couldn't see me crying as she worked on me. It took nearly 3 hours for her to fix everything. And now I'm having issues again. A small portion of my incision got irritated by my clothing and it has come open. I saw my doctor's partner a few days ago (because my doctor was out of town) and he did nothing other than give me a prescription for Vicodin (which I haven't filled). I see my doctor Monday morning and I'm pretty sure she'll get out her suture kit and sew up that part of my incision.
So, yeah, I gained over 35 pounds between February and August and was back up to 235. I am since back down to 216 and am trying to love my body and love myself again. I hate that after everything, I am back to actively losing weight again. I feel like a big, fat, giant failure. I have 30 more pounds that I want to lose to feel completely comfortable again. I feel like I've let myself down by gaining the weight.
So I'm starting all over again. I'm back in therapy and am trying to take better care of myself. I am trying to be more active on a daily basis but some days I just don't want to do anything. I'm still healing from my last surgery so I haven't been exercising as much as I was a year ago. I'm trying to remind myself that I'll get back there. I'll crawl out of this hole I'm in and I will get it all back.
I guess I'm here asking for everyone's forgiveness. I feel like I've also let all of you down because I basically stopped posting when I first started having complications. It was so heartbreaking for me that I just didn't want to talk about it. I have no pictures of myself for about 5 months because I was disgusted by myself. I'm trying to get over that. I am setting small goals for myself to lose the weight I want to lose. My first mini goal is to be under 213 by the end of this month. I'm taking one day at a time. That's all I can do.
So, yeah, for the first time in months.....here I am
