(no subject)
Okay. Maybe not goodnight. Maybe just another journal entry.
I have been thinking a lot lately about many things. Some abstract (time, math, emotions/feelings, randomness of life, etc.) and some concrete (health, life, school, work, living, etc.)
It all just fits together in some modge podge way that confounds me. The more of the puzzle I see the less I can believe, trust, or enjoy. It just gets so old... or perhaps I am tired.
Our lives are so busy that we can't take the time to figure out what is really going on any more. Playtime is something that is not pictured in the american dream (lowercase for a reason). I try to keep a heart about things- and I succeed- somewhat. There is only so much that is still feels pure and untouched by the cynical pressures of life. I want to run away and not be a part of it all. I want to live without letting the world inhibit me and yet I live life by the book day to day. So many people have said this before me and so many will after. It's hard to rip oneself from the clutches of societies expectations, throw caution to the winds, and just live. Unfortunately for me I surmise that this would eventually lead to a drug addiction, incarceration, or an untimely death. I want so many things that I would say that I am greedy, and yet, I hold no goals. In order to be greedy there must be some obsessive red beacon ringing through your head or some lusty siren singing alluring songs about money, cars, and a fabulously racy sex life. Life is so full of wonderful things to experience and I just think about the ones that I am missing instead of really truly valuing the ones that I have. I'm not saying that I don't enjoy them... perhaps I will never be satisfied- a proverbial forever empty loud and grumbling stomach. Going down a slow drain watching the sand slide past bit by bit I wait wondering when I will stand up and face my inner wants. Right now I do what I do (as in school) because a) I am bored without stimulation and b) it makes my family and society happy to have another productive member c)I am learning a skill that is fucking important. P.S. John is the man of my heart.
I think that is all for tonight. I really hope that people don't really read these long monotonous posts.
I have been thinking a lot lately about many things. Some abstract (time, math, emotions/feelings, randomness of life, etc.) and some concrete (health, life, school, work, living, etc.)
It all just fits together in some modge podge way that confounds me. The more of the puzzle I see the less I can believe, trust, or enjoy. It just gets so old... or perhaps I am tired.
Our lives are so busy that we can't take the time to figure out what is really going on any more. Playtime is something that is not pictured in the american dream (lowercase for a reason). I try to keep a heart about things- and I succeed- somewhat. There is only so much that is still feels pure and untouched by the cynical pressures of life. I want to run away and not be a part of it all. I want to live without letting the world inhibit me and yet I live life by the book day to day. So many people have said this before me and so many will after. It's hard to rip oneself from the clutches of societies expectations, throw caution to the winds, and just live. Unfortunately for me I surmise that this would eventually lead to a drug addiction, incarceration, or an untimely death. I want so many things that I would say that I am greedy, and yet, I hold no goals. In order to be greedy there must be some obsessive red beacon ringing through your head or some lusty siren singing alluring songs about money, cars, and a fabulously racy sex life. Life is so full of wonderful things to experience and I just think about the ones that I am missing instead of really truly valuing the ones that I have. I'm not saying that I don't enjoy them... perhaps I will never be satisfied- a proverbial forever empty loud and grumbling stomach. Going down a slow drain watching the sand slide past bit by bit I wait wondering when I will stand up and face my inner wants. Right now I do what I do (as in school) because a) I am bored without stimulation and b) it makes my family and society happy to have another productive member c)I am learning a skill that is fucking important. P.S. John is the man of my heart.
I think that is all for tonight. I really hope that people don't really read these long monotonous posts.