so much so much....
There is so much I wanted to say, sigh. but so much is plaguing my mind at this point, i don't know if I will be able to make it. and considering i so need to go to sleep after working last night. it was a very very very long night, to say the least.
I WAS going to write about how Friday I got a little annoyed w/cody, but so what, it happens with everyone at some point. then later on, i realized just how much i had fallen in love with him. Then I WAS going to ramble on about how i wrote a list of things I dont' like about myself, and trying to find a solution. Changing is so hard. I'm not going to name them all, but I cannot believe how messy I am. its ridiculous. I can't stand it, yet I can't seem to get myself together. I can't seem to stick to one thing either. Exercise/losing weight, cleaning, or studyi ng...sigh. anyway. I think I came to the conclusion that its about attitude of course, its the sayings.. :-) i love quotes, inspirations for life: "life is 10% what happens to you 90% how you take it"...
This morning on my way home, while crying my eyes out, I seriously considered hurting myself in some way, I thought about purposely running my truck into a tree or something...but I figured Harry might get mad about his truck, so I didn't :-). I guess I felt like matching the pain in my heart with physical pain which I'm not too fond of. So I have been trying to quit cussing but, I really thought I fucked up mine and cody's relationship that I really want to work. I was terrified. I spent some of the busy ist hours at work crying my eyes out in bonding or in sally port. looking like a total whimp. lord that irritates me. as much as they give me a hard time, they gave me my time to crying and talk on the phone for about two hours, then on and off crying all night. I always have to learn things the hard way, but trust me, i learned this time. NEVER again. Cody called me this morning and apologized and forgave me. THANK YOU LORD. I tried to change my attitude last night by thinking, "if its meant to be it will be" but its a very hard attitude to take sometimes. fighting human emotions/nature. .all i've been able to do is cry even after he called me,then it turned into a good cry. lord i was scared... sigh. . i have to go sleep nights and peace ouit.
I WAS going to write about how Friday I got a little annoyed w/cody, but so what, it happens with everyone at some point. then later on, i realized just how much i had fallen in love with him. Then I WAS going to ramble on about how i wrote a list of things I dont' like about myself, and trying to find a solution. Changing is so hard. I'm not going to name them all, but I cannot believe how messy I am. its ridiculous. I can't stand it, yet I can't seem to get myself together. I can't seem to stick to one thing either. Exercise/losing weight, cleaning, or studyi ng...sigh. anyway. I think I came to the conclusion that its about attitude of course, its the sayings.. :-) i love quotes, inspirations for life: "life is 10% what happens to you 90% how you take it"...
This morning on my way home, while crying my eyes out, I seriously considered hurting myself in some way, I thought about purposely running my truck into a tree or something...but I figured Harry might get mad about his truck, so I didn't :-). I guess I felt like matching the pain in my heart with physical pain which I'm not too fond of. So I have been trying to quit cussing but, I really thought I fucked up mine and cody's relationship that I really want to work. I was terrified. I spent some of the busy ist hours at work crying my eyes out in bonding or in sally port. looking like a total whimp. lord that irritates me. as much as they give me a hard time, they gave me my time to crying and talk on the phone for about two hours, then on and off crying all night. I always have to learn things the hard way, but trust me, i learned this time. NEVER again. Cody called me this morning and apologized and forgave me. THANK YOU LORD. I tried to change my attitude last night by thinking, "if its meant to be it will be" but its a very hard attitude to take sometimes. fighting human emotions/nature. .all i've been able to do is cry even after he called me,then it turned into a good cry. lord i was scared... sigh. . i have to go sleep nights and peace ouit.