lists
The good stuff
- I've lost 1.5 pounds in the last two weeks and haven't massively changed my eating habits, only made myself more aware of what I eat, and that having treats and snacks is OK, within moderation. This is extremely exciting.
- I have two paying cello gigs, one this week and one next.
- I have no obligations today until about 3pm.
- I have no obligations WHATSOEVER this weekend.
- My allergies seem to finally be responding to the allergy shots
- Cried a lot during therapy yesterday (not the physio kind, which is usually great). Seems I have a really negative self-image, and I can't seem to separate "I want to be the best at what I do" and "How do I compare with other people" and "I'm a lazy slob who has so much potential." My therapist wonders how much the "you have so much potential!" comments I always got as a child (usually paired with "if you'd only work harder"/"you're just lazy" often said very kindly) has influenced me. I don't feel like I work terribly hard, and I feel that if I let up on myself, if I don't ever aim higher than what I'm already doing, I'm doomed to mediocrity.
- I have a major thing about mediocrity. Average, being normal, being nothing special. The very thought of it strikes fear into my heart.
- The pathetic: I've realized, and come to accept, that my goal in life is to be respected. That seems pretty sad. And doomed to failure.
- I'm hungry. I should make coffee and breakfast.
- I'm amazed I lost any weight eating mcdonald's and cake and panda express and whatever junk I wanted, without hugely restricting my calories or setting foot in a gym!
- I hate gyms.
- I love my cats, they're so cute. I've usually had one or two, sometimes all three, on the bed with me at night.
- I'm so relieved that my job as a TA is "tech support" rather than trying to get 60 undergrads engaged with material they're not terribly interested in. At least next quarter I'm not doing a GE class that students are taking because they need it, but because they want it
- Why do people recall books just when I need them?
- My husband comes back on Monday night. It'll be a true test of his influence on me to see what happens to my eating habits when he comes back. We might have to have a "talk."
- I finally told the therapist that I'm not ready to break up with my husband -- she seems to think he's one of the fundamental things making me deeply unhappy, which might be true but I simply don't know because things are great when he's happy -- and she accepted it and we moved on to other things.
- ... Okay, after writing all of that I really am terribly hungry. English muffin, egg, and some breakfast ham. Homemade eggamuffin! And some tangerines, and some coffee. YUM.