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[moving2canada]

heloo. nothing really happened today. just dad being his regular hypocrite self. which we all love of course. i got to see joel today! and i got to talk to him! he got in a fight with these rednecks. they were making fun of the way he dressed and then on e of them spit on him and i know how much he hates to be spit on. so he beat the shit out of the one that beat him and then his 2 other redneck friends jumped in and got joel in the nose and his eye. he has a pretty good black eye. and he went to the movies with olivia, 2 other girls and derek. i really dont like when he hangs out with other girls. i trust him. i just dont trust the other girls. it makes me kinda mad. but when i talk to him i cant be mad at him. i just cant. i donno why or how he does that. i mean i dont hang out with guys he doesnt know. just i donno.... i love him with all my heart. and i'd do anything to have him back. i just want to drive there and be with him. i'm surprised i havent. and the other day i was crying b/c i missed him so much. the man made me mad and then i though of joel and it was too much. i love him so much. and i couldnt find any shorts that i liked. and then i look horrible in bathing suits(bikinis) and i dont like wearing the one piece ones. i've worn those everyday for the past year. and i look horribe in them anyway. and i'm kinda glad i have andrew to talk to. lol he makes things sound so easy. almost like hes not even trying and it works. something like that. and i havent talked to lauren today. i meant like talked to lauren. i said and then i left. which is weird. i need to go buy some hair bleach for my hair. and only mix a little every time i need to color my hair. and i hate my job>. i hate having to be spending all this money and work clothes when i need clothing for me. its just all so fustrating. i want to go talk to eddie. i need too. i dont have anyone except lauren and i've told her all of this. about missing joel and about parents. i just want to go talk to eddie. i miss my joel.. i dono what to do with myself anymore. its like i'mjust there. waiting for school and my job. nothing else. i do have to go buy laurens her gadges and something else i think. and if i told joel that i dont like him hanging with girls it would be mean b/c those are his friends. and i dont want to be the bitch here. b/c that would be bad. and then he would get mad and be like dont you trust me? and i do trust him. i just dont trust the other girls.. and my foot really itches. i donno.. i dono anything anymore. and austin pissed me off even more...h/o i'll just post the.. holy shit..a bug just attacked me from the ceiling... sorry

Sherlock221B: yes
Sherlock221B: well are you going to get a new boyfreind now
Sherlock221B: i mean it took you 16 years to get this one how long the next one
Sherlock221B: lol
Sherlock221B: do you like connor
Broken0Dreamer7: umm i'm still dating my joel
Broken0Dreamer7: and hes coming back
Broken0Dreamer7: so there is no new boyfriend
Sherlock221B: you sound like a child wishing santa was real
Broken0Dreamer7: and connor is like a best friend
Broken0Dreamer7: dude
Broken0Dreamer7: wtf?
Broken0Dreamer7: i am dating joel
Broken0Dreamer7: we're still together and hes moving back
Broken0Dreamer7: he told me
Sherlock221B: yes but he is 1 billion miles away
Broken0Dreamer7: umm only 5 hours away
Sherlock221B: thats from here to new york
Sherlock221B: that long
Sherlock221B: and are you ever going to have another boyfreind
Broken0Dreamer7: not unless joel breaks up with me or or i die or w/e
Broken0Dreamer7: and whats it to you anyway
Sherlock221B: lol
Broken0Dreamer7: it shouldnt be bothering you dear i live 1 billion miles away
Sherlock221B: no 5 billion
Broken0Dreamer7: oh yea
Sherlock221B: well what aboutm you
Sherlock221B: when do you thibnk it will end
Sherlock221B: when he dies
Sherlock221B: :-X
Broken0Dreamer7: i dont know when it will end
Broken0Dreamer7: and i'mn= hoping it doesnt b/c i'm quite content dating him
Sherlock221B: you must be a masikist
Sherlock221B: everyone but him and a few others is pissed at you
Broken0Dreamer7: and i should care b/c?
Broken0Dreamer7: why should i make other people happy
Broken0Dreamer7: i should be the one making me happy
Sherlock221B: dont you want to live in harmony with your family
Sherlock221B: were nowone is mad just ok
Sherlock221B: :-\
Broken0Dreamer7: omg
Broken0Dreamer7: you would think differently if you had a g/f
Broken0Dreamer7: everything is in harmony for right now
Sherlock221B: not really!!
Broken0Dreamer7: ?
Sherlock221B: and it depends im 16 if i was datind maralyn monroe i wouldnt be so serious imean what do i have to look foword to with one girlfreind and it dosent matter connor dosent have a G/f and he simpathises
Sherlock221B: with you
Sherlock221B: before you had joel you would of thought the same you think now
Broken0Dreamer7: ?
Broken0Dreamer7: yes i would have
Sherlock221B: It dosent matter im saying its sometimes just common sense
Sherlock221B: it doesent matter that you have a G/F its common sense to not want chaos within you family
Sherlock221B: dont
Broken0Dreamer7: ok well, i'm not going to be like, hmm well i really like this guy, a lot, but my family doesnt. so i should just give up on him and live the life my parents want
Broken0Dreamer7: i dont think so
Sherlock221B: are you just going out with him to make a statment
Broken0Dreamer7: no i'm not
Broken0Dreamer7: b/c my family liked him before
Broken0Dreamer7: and it was fine and now they are being all blah
Broken0Dreamer7: and i still like him , so i'm not making a statemnt
Sherlock221B: why do you think they are mad
Broken0Dreamer7: i dont know
Sherlock221B: come on
Broken0Dreamer7: i really dont
Broken0Dreamer7: i guess that i slept with him
Sherlock221B: right and can you understand there adversity
Sherlock221B: i mean if you had a daughter would you want her to sleep with a guy at sixteen
Broken0Dreamer7: well i cant say anytihng to her b/c i did the same thing
Broken0Dreamer7: i would just want her to be safe
Broken0Dreamer7: about it
Broken0Dreamer7: and I was
Sherlock221B: but can you understand that your parent just want oyu to stop all together
Broken0Dreamer7: we HAVENT done anything
Broken0Dreamer7: since
Broken0Dreamer7: and 'm not gonna stop
Broken0Dreamer7: i love him too much
Sherlock221B: did you tell them that
Broken0Dreamer7: i donno
Broken0Dreamer7: i might have
Broken0Dreamer7: i dont really rememver
Broken0Dreamer7: but you think they would get it that i havent ended it with him so it must mean something. i wouldnt have gone through all this crap if i didnt love him
Sherlock221B: yeah but tis beter to eat than be eated
Broken0Dreamer7: what?
Sherlock221B: i mean give up
Sherlock221B: lol
Sherlock221B: give in break down
Sherlock221B: fall like a cripppled giraffe
Broken0Dreamer7: wel i guess thats the real difference huh?
Broken0Dreamer7: i'm not gonna give up,
Broken0Dreamer7: unlike you
Broken0Dreamer7: i'm not gonna quit
Broken0Dreamer7: and thats a really fucked up thing to say austin
Broken0Dreamer7: i thought you were better than that
Broken0Dreamer7: giving up is showing weakness and i'm not weak

yea.. thats austin for you. well. this is gonna be a fun summer huh? going to visit a family that hate my fucking guts b/c i did what i thought wouldnt hurt anyone or do anything.. boy was i wrong. and its all my fault too. or is it? if rachel hadnt had gone into MY room she wouldnt have read it. i'm still mad at her for that. i dont think i'll ever forgive that. now when i'm around everyone i'm gonna feel like a stain. and infected person among them. not wanted or anything. i cant wait...wish i could bring someone with me. to be a body guard and say you're not worthy to talk to The SArah. go away before she smites you. something like that. but i guess this is a long enough entry. i probably have more to write but i wont. ttyl. i love you joel..

§arah