(no subject)
joel left today...its still hard to believe. i just dont understand why he had to leave. i gave everything to him. and i got everything in return. why couldnt he stay? my mind still burns. i'll never forget the way, he looked back at me. as if to say, i'm not leaving you baby. i love you so much. and i'll wait for you. i'm not letting go.
we spent the last few hours together before he left. i've never felt like this before. i watched him drive away..and he watched me until he couldnt. out the back window...i've never had to watch someone drive away like that. and now everything seems pointless. i saw Dad today too. he hugged me like i was his daughter. i really havent even known him that long and it was like a love hug. like.. i donno. and Tina, eddies mom, gave me a hug when i started to cry. i couldnt help it. it just all came out. and it hurts soo much. and i'm scared that he'll find someone new. i cant let that happen. b/c if that does then i just dont want to live. i want him back here so bad. i wish i spent for time with him. its all my fault.. and now hes gone. and i cant do anything about it. i wish with everything i have to bring him back. its just not fair. i hate this. i hate my family, i hate the way things turned out, i hate myself. i just hate it. its not fair!! i wish i could take all this time back, the past 2 months and burned my fucking journal when i had the chance! its all my fucking fault! and i cant change it! its all my fault! we didnt get all the time together and thats my fault! i hate myself! why did i do such a fucking stupid thing! god dammit! and now joels gone. and i cant bring him back...
§arah
we spent the last few hours together before he left. i've never felt like this before. i watched him drive away..and he watched me until he couldnt. out the back window...i've never had to watch someone drive away like that. and now everything seems pointless. i saw Dad today too. he hugged me like i was his daughter. i really havent even known him that long and it was like a love hug. like.. i donno. and Tina, eddies mom, gave me a hug when i started to cry. i couldnt help it. it just all came out. and it hurts soo much. and i'm scared that he'll find someone new. i cant let that happen. b/c if that does then i just dont want to live. i want him back here so bad. i wish i spent for time with him. its all my fault.. and now hes gone. and i cant do anything about it. i wish with everything i have to bring him back. its just not fair. i hate this. i hate my family, i hate the way things turned out, i hate myself. i just hate it. its not fair!! i wish i could take all this time back, the past 2 months and burned my fucking journal when i had the chance! its all my fucking fault! and i cant change it! its all my fault! we didnt get all the time together and thats my fault! i hate myself! why did i do such a fucking stupid thing! god dammit! and now joels gone. and i cant bring him back...
§arah