I finished it with him and then 2 days later he wrote me a love letter!
I sucked it up for 3 weeks. I really wanted to give Meiron a chance but it just doesn't feel right to me to be boyfriend and girlfriend with him. I felt like I was leading him on. I would have told him sooner but I didn't get to see him unil Sunday. I would have told him on the phone but I felt like it was the easy way out. Plus I have no shame to tell him I feel in person.
I really wanted it to work because Meiron is a great guy and will make some girl happy but not me. The way he feels about me sufficates me want to throw up. It sounds awful I know but I can't help it. I love him to much as a friend and admire him so much as a person to lead him on. I came to his room on the kibbutz on Sunday told him how I felt. I could see the muscles in his face go down. I told him I didn't want to be upset and I still wanted to be friends. He said what he said once before "They are your feelings, I can't control them. But ofcourse we will be friends." We hugged and then I left to go see the girls.
The day after passover (yesterday) he texted me and said I left my ipod in his room. So I came by his room for a couple minutes to pick it up. Attatched to it was a letter. I thought to myself. Not again. I am sick of this letter bullshit. I took the letter hugged him and started to leave. But then he put his arms around me again and would let me go. I was like I will come back later if you want and he was like you promise. So I said of course.
I walk back to Eliya and Neetzan's room. I sit down and start reading letter. At first I can't finish it because I want to hurl. We only kissed once and it was only on the lips with no tongue. I hated it. In his letter he went into detal about how he liked it. Then he wrote in hebrew "Ani Met Alich" I don't know what the direct translastion but basically it means that he is madley in love with me. Then he goes off how he thinks this is real love. If this is real love I don't think I would be so turned of by him and want to hurl. I don't know maybe thats just me.
I was very confused after I read the letter. Its like does he expect me to run back into his arms and say that I feel the same beacuse I don't. i sent him a texted message saying " i know i promised to come by later but if I don't. don't be offened. I am very confused and don't know what to say." Adi and Eliya both saw him after that walking around the kibbutz looking very upset. WHAT DO I DO?? I don't want him to be like that.
After thinking about it a lot I decieded I would envite him to go on a walk with me today. I was going to tell him staright out I apprciate that he told me how he feels but it doesn;t change anything. I have made up my mind and I just want to be friends.
I knocked on his door. He didn't answer so I called him. He was called back to base today. He asked me how much longer I was going to be on kibbutz for. I said I didn't know. He said listen. I get off again in 2 weeks and I want to talk and make things work. I said we can talk but my feelings won't change. He sounded really upset and sounded like he wanted to argue with me but he knew better then to do that.
Meiron is a nice guy and he likes me. I gave him a chance and realized I don't feel the same way about him. What more can I do for him?
One more kiss could be the best thing
But one more lie could be the worst
And all these thoughts are never resting
And you're not something I deserve
In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me
[Chorus]
You love me but you dont know who I am
I'm tore between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you dont know who I am
So let me go
Let me go
I dream ahead to what I hope for
And I turn my back on loving you
How can this love be a good thing
When I know what I'm goin through
In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me
[Chorus]
You love me but you dont know who I am
I'm tore between this life I lead and where I stand
You love me but you dont know who I am
So let me go
Just Let me goo...
Let me go
And no matter how hard I try
I can't escape these things inside I know
I knowww..
When all the pieces fall apart
You will be the only one who knows
Who knows
[Chorus]
You love me but you dont know who I am
I'm tore between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you dont know Who I am
So let me go
Just let me go
and you me but you dont
you love me but you dont
you love me but you dont know who I am
and you love me but you dont
you love me but you dont
you love me but you dont know me