even more candid than usual...
well, its been a really really long time since i've updated. many times ive sat down with the intentions of writing something down, getting something off my chest, or clearing my mind. in the end i always decide that i dont need to write or that i dont have the time or something else is obstructing my ability to type out an entry.......................
...........................
...sure. i can sit here and be superficial and simple and say things like i cant decide if i want to grow my hair out or get a haircut and that i always have trouble making this decision at this point in my hair length. or that school is really sucking because i hate my classes and that they are boring and stupid and ill never need to know the astronomy of the universe for anything ill ever want to do. or that my friends are really great even though they can be shitty sometimes.
i can say those things... but would it be conceited of me to say that i usually dig deeper than that or would it just be honest? i really dont know. maybe its both. either way fuck you, im writing out my thoughts.
i dont know who i am anymore. no no-- i know there are some of you out there that are about to tell me 'thats just fine. you dont have to know right now. everything will fall in place' but i dont want to hear it. i really just dont know whats going on in my life. i dont know where im going, what im doing, who i want in my life, or even who i want to be. i thought i had it all figured out, and sometimes i still do. but this just seems to hard. it all seems to hard. in general. is this all there is to life? work work work with a little bit of play here and there? people everywhere taking their exit cues while all along i sit waiting for them to forget to leave... or worse i wait for someone new to show up. i am so afraid of the new people that come into my life because i always seem to get attatched to the people that are inevitably unattainable to me. and not to be overly dramatic, but in the end- arent we all inevitably unattainable? people come, but in the end, they always leave... one way or another. why do we bother caring about the present when the future only holds constant disappointment? this is all so candid for me to say because i always have all the answers... or at least thats one appearance i can normally keep up.
in the last 3 weeks, ive managed to have the metaphorical shit kicked out of me. i once again left the place that i love more than anywhere in the world to return to granville, ohio. ive skipped at least one (read: two) class(es) of each of the courses im in with the exception of my film production course that only meets once a week and starts at 1:30 in the afternoon. I have slacked off on homework, despite my efforts to stay caught up. i have come to the realization (and come to terms with the fact) that, scholastically speaking, i will not be able to graduate with the standing i wish i could. i keep banking on the fact that once while in new york one of my associates said that school doesnt even matter for what i want to do and where ive been and what ive done scholastically will never even matter. fuck, i hope thats the case cause i really took it to heart. outside of scholastics i have had numerous intense and irrational fights with my best friend. many times now she has questioned to me whether or not we should even be friends. ive never doubted that. why does she? it seems although there is all of this new found drama that surrounds us. perhaps its not new found at all... perhaps its always been there and ive just ignored it. in the end, i just want it to go away. i wish we didnt have to get into it every single day. big or small: i dont want to have a discussion about why we treat eachother the way we do or why i act a certain way or why she does the things she knows she shouldnt. seriously...? if we dont know the answers to whatever that discussion may already hold by now, then maybe we dont know eachother the way i always thought we did. of course, i dont think this is the case. my computer has gone and died on me. i mean, come on life... i can deal with just barely getting by, i can deal with avoiding calls from debt collectors, i can deal with knowing theres a good chance i wont do what i want right away so i can deal with money issues... but please dont start throwing me curve balls like needing a new computer. and finding out my final film project will be completely independently financed (upwards of $500). or paying my oh so unbelievable phone bill. i cannot swing that. ive had one man, whom i love more than he'll ever know tell me that it was over. definitely over. that he could never see us dating ever again. yeah, things had been going in the general direction of him telling me that. i suppose it was only a matter of time. but i think it would have come as a shock no matter when the time.... and still would have hurt more than i could have ever imagined. and its still not what i wanted. i seem to continue to go for the which brings me back to the inevitably unattainable... what is my obsession?
in between here and there, i have had some good points. although i have fought more with my best friend than i ever wanted to, in a strange way i feel like ive grown closer to her. its our last semester and she'll never know or understand how much ill miss her. im glad weve got time at all left to spend together. im glad that after four yeras we're not completely sick of eachother and can just sit and have a giant piece of chocolate cake and be completely content with life. in a self destructive way she continues to push herself from me in an effort to make the goodbye easier... but she doesnt realize that it wont make things different- it'll still be just as hard. it will still be goodbye. i have a decent job that i complain about a lot, but really its just work. i work with good people that im slowly learning actually care about me. yes they've all got their own lives going on, but the fact that i could have someone i work with (at a restaurant job, no less) call me up just to ask how ive been and see if i want to hang out makes me beside myself. and lastly in a bittersweet way, i have fallen completely enamored with a boy (man?) that ive only recently gotten to know. hes smart, hes handsome, hes witty, hes charming, hes sweet to me, hes fun, and hes above all adorable. sounds perfect right? so whats the catch? he lives in wisconsin. just as all the others... inevitably unattainable. in the end though, he makes me happy and can put a smile on my face no matter what my mood... few can do that, and he mastered it in record time.
i tell myself (and other people) that im fine, but i dont sleep... i dont eat well... in general ive become a huge loner... am i really fine at all?
meh? maybe i just need to go out, get drunk, and get laid. love ya bitches. peace out yo.
.....if i get a comment or two maybe ill try to write in this more frequently. fuck you, im needy. have we not established that?
...........................
...sure. i can sit here and be superficial and simple and say things like i cant decide if i want to grow my hair out or get a haircut and that i always have trouble making this decision at this point in my hair length. or that school is really sucking because i hate my classes and that they are boring and stupid and ill never need to know the astronomy of the universe for anything ill ever want to do. or that my friends are really great even though they can be shitty sometimes.
i can say those things... but would it be conceited of me to say that i usually dig deeper than that or would it just be honest? i really dont know. maybe its both. either way fuck you, im writing out my thoughts.
i dont know who i am anymore. no no-- i know there are some of you out there that are about to tell me 'thats just fine. you dont have to know right now. everything will fall in place' but i dont want to hear it. i really just dont know whats going on in my life. i dont know where im going, what im doing, who i want in my life, or even who i want to be. i thought i had it all figured out, and sometimes i still do. but this just seems to hard. it all seems to hard. in general. is this all there is to life? work work work with a little bit of play here and there? people everywhere taking their exit cues while all along i sit waiting for them to forget to leave... or worse i wait for someone new to show up. i am so afraid of the new people that come into my life because i always seem to get attatched to the people that are inevitably unattainable to me. and not to be overly dramatic, but in the end- arent we all inevitably unattainable? people come, but in the end, they always leave... one way or another. why do we bother caring about the present when the future only holds constant disappointment? this is all so candid for me to say because i always have all the answers... or at least thats one appearance i can normally keep up.
in the last 3 weeks, ive managed to have the metaphorical shit kicked out of me. i once again left the place that i love more than anywhere in the world to return to granville, ohio. ive skipped at least one (read: two) class(es) of each of the courses im in with the exception of my film production course that only meets once a week and starts at 1:30 in the afternoon. I have slacked off on homework, despite my efforts to stay caught up. i have come to the realization (and come to terms with the fact) that, scholastically speaking, i will not be able to graduate with the standing i wish i could. i keep banking on the fact that once while in new york one of my associates said that school doesnt even matter for what i want to do and where ive been and what ive done scholastically will never even matter. fuck, i hope thats the case cause i really took it to heart. outside of scholastics i have had numerous intense and irrational fights with my best friend. many times now she has questioned to me whether or not we should even be friends. ive never doubted that. why does she? it seems although there is all of this new found drama that surrounds us. perhaps its not new found at all... perhaps its always been there and ive just ignored it. in the end, i just want it to go away. i wish we didnt have to get into it every single day. big or small: i dont want to have a discussion about why we treat eachother the way we do or why i act a certain way or why she does the things she knows she shouldnt. seriously...? if we dont know the answers to whatever that discussion may already hold by now, then maybe we dont know eachother the way i always thought we did. of course, i dont think this is the case. my computer has gone and died on me. i mean, come on life... i can deal with just barely getting by, i can deal with avoiding calls from debt collectors, i can deal with knowing theres a good chance i wont do what i want right away so i can deal with money issues... but please dont start throwing me curve balls like needing a new computer. and finding out my final film project will be completely independently financed (upwards of $500). or paying my oh so unbelievable phone bill. i cannot swing that. ive had one man, whom i love more than he'll ever know tell me that it was over. definitely over. that he could never see us dating ever again. yeah, things had been going in the general direction of him telling me that. i suppose it was only a matter of time. but i think it would have come as a shock no matter when the time.... and still would have hurt more than i could have ever imagined. and its still not what i wanted. i seem to continue to go for the which brings me back to the inevitably unattainable... what is my obsession?
in between here and there, i have had some good points. although i have fought more with my best friend than i ever wanted to, in a strange way i feel like ive grown closer to her. its our last semester and she'll never know or understand how much ill miss her. im glad weve got time at all left to spend together. im glad that after four yeras we're not completely sick of eachother and can just sit and have a giant piece of chocolate cake and be completely content with life. in a self destructive way she continues to push herself from me in an effort to make the goodbye easier... but she doesnt realize that it wont make things different- it'll still be just as hard. it will still be goodbye. i have a decent job that i complain about a lot, but really its just work. i work with good people that im slowly learning actually care about me. yes they've all got their own lives going on, but the fact that i could have someone i work with (at a restaurant job, no less) call me up just to ask how ive been and see if i want to hang out makes me beside myself. and lastly in a bittersweet way, i have fallen completely enamored with a boy (man?) that ive only recently gotten to know. hes smart, hes handsome, hes witty, hes charming, hes sweet to me, hes fun, and hes above all adorable. sounds perfect right? so whats the catch? he lives in wisconsin. just as all the others... inevitably unattainable. in the end though, he makes me happy and can put a smile on my face no matter what my mood... few can do that, and he mastered it in record time.
i tell myself (and other people) that im fine, but i dont sleep... i dont eat well... in general ive become a huge loner... am i really fine at all?
meh? maybe i just need to go out, get drunk, and get laid. love ya bitches. peace out yo.
.....if i get a comment or two maybe ill try to write in this more frequently. fuck you, im needy. have we not established that?