(no subject)
you keep re-emerging. months ago, my heart dropped. right out of me. this heart that held you and was held up by the thought of that final time. the time i felt i was killing time to find. where we stop being who we are separately and give in to that actual conjoining of limbs and souls and hearts. surgical, graphic, incomprehensible. yet, once... seemingly possible.
i see you again and i don't know what to say. yet i never stop talking about everything that matters and doesn't matter in the moment.
walking the dogs the other day, a bee landed on my shoulder. i stared at it for a good 20 seconds before i remembered i am horribly afraid of bees. then i ran 20 feet away with the dogs, reassuring myself of who i am, what i fear, why my natural reactions make me the person i have been ... building? as i continued to walk, i could not shake the fact that i was not afraid of that bee. i wasn't. for a solid 20 seconds.
after i saw you, i went to smoke a cigarette at work outside on a cement ledge. i stood at the end of it, leaned over, and felt for a moment, like i couldn't fall no matter how far i tipped my body forward. i felt in control of my entire physical core. and then a bee flew by and i jumped back awkwardly, dropped my cigarette, and hurried inside. fear was back. once again, control is one grasp, or one fucking bumble bee, away from me.
i see you again and i don't know what to say. yet i never stop talking about everything that matters and doesn't matter in the moment.
walking the dogs the other day, a bee landed on my shoulder. i stared at it for a good 20 seconds before i remembered i am horribly afraid of bees. then i ran 20 feet away with the dogs, reassuring myself of who i am, what i fear, why my natural reactions make me the person i have been ... building? as i continued to walk, i could not shake the fact that i was not afraid of that bee. i wasn't. for a solid 20 seconds.
after i saw you, i went to smoke a cigarette at work outside on a cement ledge. i stood at the end of it, leaned over, and felt for a moment, like i couldn't fall no matter how far i tipped my body forward. i felt in control of my entire physical core. and then a bee flew by and i jumped back awkwardly, dropped my cigarette, and hurried inside. fear was back. once again, control is one grasp, or one fucking bumble bee, away from me.