epiphany
basically i've been thinking and my conclusion is this: relationships are about control. or at least we make them about control. whoever doesn't have the control in the relationship is the one that gets hurt and the hardest thing to handle is when two people really allow it to become that way. by allow it, i mean one person is aware they have the control and don't really mind because it means they have nothing to fear in the situation. the other person continues to be controlled and give in to all the bullshit because they let their overall feelings determine their actions. meanwhile, games are played - control is shifted back and forth and it ends up tearing people apart. it's happened to me in the past, it's happened to everyone... i've been on both sides and right now, being on the lacking end of the spectrum l is driving me out of my fucking mind.
i hate what-if and wondering and waiting. i want all of someone or nothing. i think everyone does, EXCEPT for the people who really have the upper hand - because why want one the one person you know will never leave - and ONLY that person, WHEN you can basically have whatever you want or do whatever you want until it's out of your system. problem is, what if that person does leave. what if it's too damn late.
i made the mistake of having some control, believing the person i hurt would actually want me again, and then giving away all control and leverage and any possible chance at an upper, or any sort of hand. i realize the situation i put myself in is completely a result of my actions. and either 1. i take myself completely out of it for now before becoming a complete nutcase, or 2. i wait patiently for an honest answer or two and maybe get some affirmation of what is felt, or 3. i say screw it and move on.
i know i can't continue like this. not sleeping and imagining things and wondering why he can't easily say i love you or i miss you or anything remotely close to it. i handed over everything i have to him, and now i'm left feeling like an idiot. stupid fucking females.
i hate what-if and wondering and waiting. i want all of someone or nothing. i think everyone does, EXCEPT for the people who really have the upper hand - because why want one the one person you know will never leave - and ONLY that person, WHEN you can basically have whatever you want or do whatever you want until it's out of your system. problem is, what if that person does leave. what if it's too damn late.
i made the mistake of having some control, believing the person i hurt would actually want me again, and then giving away all control and leverage and any possible chance at an upper, or any sort of hand. i realize the situation i put myself in is completely a result of my actions. and either 1. i take myself completely out of it for now before becoming a complete nutcase, or 2. i wait patiently for an honest answer or two and maybe get some affirmation of what is felt, or 3. i say screw it and move on.
i know i can't continue like this. not sleeping and imagining things and wondering why he can't easily say i love you or i miss you or anything remotely close to it. i handed over everything i have to him, and now i'm left feeling like an idiot. stupid fucking females.