a fine evening for a rogue
http://www.last.fm/music/Lydia/_/A+Fine+Evening+For+a+Rogue
listening to this song makes me finally want to write about this. in the most real, honest way that i can. not self-serving, not self-medicating, and not serving out bullshit to people to make them believe something. something that maybe felt true, or was true, or is true. now, i just want to say this.
i never wanted to be put up on a pedestal. but, i always let myself be hoisted up onto one. no, i forced people to lift me up. how did i do it? by never being completely honest. gradually, in every relationship i've ever had, i've allowed people to think of me the way i believe they want to think of me. since i was a child, i've told lies so that people would not ever change their opinion of who i was or maybe what i believed they hoped i would be.
i absolutely hate putting anyone into a category - i hate describing people for their distinct characteristics. i even hate describing someone's appearance. reason being that i've been plagued my entire life with what someone else maintains as a perception of me. parents, brothers, friends, boyfriends, teachers, coworkers, random strangers on the street. i barely can buy vitamins without worrying the cashier will think i have health problems. it's crippling.
and in this process, i've desperately held on to relationships and people in the entirely wrong way. hoping they'd see me in the best way they've ever seen me... never knowing my struggles or my downfalls or my own insecurity. and even if they did know some things about those things, they'd believe it was because it fit my "independent, or emotional, or artistic, or empathetic" image. i never wanted anyone to pity me. i never wanted to deceive the people i love.
and i sit here today, basically being entirely honest to everyone i've ever attempted to deceive. i'm sure i came across to each person upon which i unleashed my burdens as a headcase or a basket case or a case of something i don't want to know about.... in which case, i don't care anymore. i don't want people to envision me as anything but human. nobody is anything but human. i've never expected people to be perfect in my life, so i am not sure why i put so much pressure on myself to appear so.
i do feel pain when i think about causing anyone in my life any hurt or problems or anything negative. but i cannot be anything but who i am. and i know that i've not always made the best decisions about anything in life. about how i deal with the things i've clearly screwed up. i jump in if it feels like i should... and i don't think before speaking or acting or running away. but that is me. and hopefully, as i grow and learn that i don't have to punish myself for feeling the same guilt and hurt that every single person feels, i will learn when to not jump in so quickly or run away so irrationally or treat people like they don't deserve to have their own explanations sometimes. i am suddenly realizing i'm not the only one..... it is no one's fault in life that we go through things or feel pain. we exist, and therefore, we are susceptible to feeling. or being very essentially imperfect.
because existence is this way, we cannot waste our days feeling sorry or sad or mad. we have to wake up, brush our teeth, and enjoy what we do have.
"It started quite young
Yeah, I learned how to, to,
To stay quiet, just stay quiet, always stay
We're cursed with disease
I have to be perfect
And you're not better than me, no."
listening to this song makes me finally want to write about this. in the most real, honest way that i can. not self-serving, not self-medicating, and not serving out bullshit to people to make them believe something. something that maybe felt true, or was true, or is true. now, i just want to say this.
i never wanted to be put up on a pedestal. but, i always let myself be hoisted up onto one. no, i forced people to lift me up. how did i do it? by never being completely honest. gradually, in every relationship i've ever had, i've allowed people to think of me the way i believe they want to think of me. since i was a child, i've told lies so that people would not ever change their opinion of who i was or maybe what i believed they hoped i would be.
i absolutely hate putting anyone into a category - i hate describing people for their distinct characteristics. i even hate describing someone's appearance. reason being that i've been plagued my entire life with what someone else maintains as a perception of me. parents, brothers, friends, boyfriends, teachers, coworkers, random strangers on the street. i barely can buy vitamins without worrying the cashier will think i have health problems. it's crippling.
and in this process, i've desperately held on to relationships and people in the entirely wrong way. hoping they'd see me in the best way they've ever seen me... never knowing my struggles or my downfalls or my own insecurity. and even if they did know some things about those things, they'd believe it was because it fit my "independent, or emotional, or artistic, or empathetic" image. i never wanted anyone to pity me. i never wanted to deceive the people i love.
and i sit here today, basically being entirely honest to everyone i've ever attempted to deceive. i'm sure i came across to each person upon which i unleashed my burdens as a headcase or a basket case or a case of something i don't want to know about.... in which case, i don't care anymore. i don't want people to envision me as anything but human. nobody is anything but human. i've never expected people to be perfect in my life, so i am not sure why i put so much pressure on myself to appear so.
i do feel pain when i think about causing anyone in my life any hurt or problems or anything negative. but i cannot be anything but who i am. and i know that i've not always made the best decisions about anything in life. about how i deal with the things i've clearly screwed up. i jump in if it feels like i should... and i don't think before speaking or acting or running away. but that is me. and hopefully, as i grow and learn that i don't have to punish myself for feeling the same guilt and hurt that every single person feels, i will learn when to not jump in so quickly or run away so irrationally or treat people like they don't deserve to have their own explanations sometimes. i am suddenly realizing i'm not the only one..... it is no one's fault in life that we go through things or feel pain. we exist, and therefore, we are susceptible to feeling. or being very essentially imperfect.
because existence is this way, we cannot waste our days feeling sorry or sad or mad. we have to wake up, brush our teeth, and enjoy what we do have.
"It started quite young
Yeah, I learned how to, to,
To stay quiet, just stay quiet, always stay
We're cursed with disease
I have to be perfect
And you're not better than me, no."