Quotes! (It's all I'm good for)
I know this update is awfully random since I pretty much don't exist on livejournal anymore (same with a lot of people I've noticed), but I have some good quotes from my professors this semester and I figured it'd be nice to share them.
Dr. Bailey (American Government):
"Are you all in the right class? Government 211? Than I guess that means I’m in the right class, too."
"Everyone gets a syllabus - there’s no exclusion in this class. EVEN if you came in late..." *eyes late student*
Bailey: I’ve noticed already that your book looks different than mine - and that concerns me. How many pages does your book have, around 100?
Random guy: 234
Bailey: *looks at book* Your book is almost exactly the same as mine, just bigger print. The retirement village must have gotten hold of this book or something. That was wrong. I shouldn’t have said that.
"You’re going to have a difficult time reading some of the reading. It’s in English, but it’s from the 18th century. They didn’t have the instant messaging style writing where emotions could be conveyed through emoticons. It wasn’t: Revolution...sad face."
"I had a dream last night that a jet plane nudged the wing of a little prop plane and it crashed into my neighborhood, but I don’t know what that means so we don’t want to talk about it."
"If you miss more than three days of class I have to report it to the registrar. Believe it or not, the federal government requires it...because they want to be sure that you’re not a terrorist. So I have to report you unless you want the terrorists to win. Think of it this way, if you don’t attend class, you’re going to be high on my ‘could-be-terrorist’ list."
"If you turn in a paper and it’s not stapled...it will become a moment of tremendous public shame for you. It’s my permission to make fun of you."
"We have this very easy-going notion that ‘we’ are brilliant and our grandparents and great-grandparents are, finally, sort of semi-retarded."
"If we’re not exactly where the syllabus says we should be, and that stresses you, there may be a chance that this class will eventually bring you great anxiety."
Bailey: You don’t like rap, do you?
Girl: No!
Bailey: Wow, makes you angry.
"Johnny Cash...I don’t know if you heard about this, but he...you know."
Bailey: What does progressive rock mean?
Guy: You know, like, ProgRock.
Bailey: No, that just rephrases it.
Bailey: What kind of music do you like?
Guy: Black metal.
Bailey: I’m already scared.
"At the time of the American Revolution, France and England had been at war with each other for the last...ever."
"There is no culture that says, 'you’re a liar, we’re going to make you King...you’re the stuff.'"
Bailey: Good morning, any thoughts, comments, or announcements?
Girl: *yells* OH!
Bailey: Big announcement...
Girl: The spirit club meeting went well. We came up with a cheer called "miss it" for when they’re going to throw a free throw.
Bailey: That’s good, but isn’t it wrong to be rooting against your own team?
Girl: No, the other team.
Bailey: Gotcha.
Girl: Let me know if you’re interested in the Spirit Club.
Bailey: You really should join; otherwise we might think you’re part of the unspoken Apathy Club.
"I’m moving your test from Monday to Wednesday, and that decision has nothing to do with the Super Bowl."
"If you still want to buy Girl Scout cookies from my daughter I’m going to collect money after class this time instead of before. Last time I collected it before class started and it just felt wrong."
"As a whole, the class did much better on this quiz than the last one. Of course, that means nothing to you if you didn’t do well. It probably offers very little consolation to know that 'I' did very poorly but my neighbors did well."
"I better hand out these quizzes so we can start rocking. And rolling."
"I have today’s outline being passed around from both sides of the room. Just take one and pass it along. There will be one person in the middle who is responsible for all the extras. So only one person needs to be afraid. It’s like being in a jet, where it’s the responsibility for one person only to be able to open that window. If not, we’ll all perish."
"I left the book in my office. Just give me thirty seconds to go get it. Time me. Wait, don’t."
"If you were to see me and Tiger Woods golfing together, you’d never stop laughing."
"I saw this show the other day, I’m embarrassed to say, late at night, and some guy in a wrestling ring climbed up a ladder, jumped off the ladder, over - this is very embarrassing all of a sudden - over the ring and landed on some guy lying on a table (I don’t know why) and then he pounced on him. *long pause* How do they live? That’s my question."
Dr. Lawler (Modern Political Philosophy):
"I’m really bad at remembering everybody’s names, but I enrolled in a 12-step program, and I still can’t remember anyone’s name, but I don’t feel so bad about it anymore."
"Nietzsche said that the idea that there is a standard of truth by which we judge the real world is always the revenge of the weak. This is why professors love that moralistic stuff...because we’re so weak!"
"My task here is to offend you as much as possible so you don’t take this easily."
"Isn’t the whole theory of Christianity you bribing and flattering God for him to come to your defense? I mean...no offense." (Note: Dr. Lawler is a hardcore Christian Conservative. He just likes to push buttons, knowing most of the class is probably Christian Conservative as well.)
Lawler: If Bush had invaded anywhere and won in three days, would any American be opposed to it? Let’s say we had gone into Iraq and slaughtered one million Iraqis, but then, peace reigned, how many Americans would object to that?
Class: *silence*
Lawler: Okay, maybe a couple...
"Let’s go to chapter 16 before I get into too much trouble."
"There are four guys eating dinner together, and to show how virtuous and free from necessity they are, the first three fight to pay for the check without even knowing how much it will cost. The fourth guy, of course, is me, and I’m saying, 'go ahead, I will allow you to practice virtue.'"
"Where the hell is my two bucks?"
"America has 40% of the world’s wealth but only 6% of its population. If you’re Machiavellian, you say, 'now that’s a good job!'"
"Any questions, comments, criticisms? Is anyone unhappy? Does anyone wish life were different than it really is? *pause* Alright, let’s get started."
"God is like the characters in the second and third Matrix movies: they never die no matter what they do."
"You have to have order before you can have an effective government. We forgot to tell that to the Iraqis!"
"How many of you went to high school? Many of you are just so uneducated. It’s not good."
"You don’t love your iPod like you love your mom...I hope."
Lawler: I’m moving the test to the day after Valentine’s Day because I know you won’t be doing much on Valentine’s Day.
Girl: What if we ARE doing something on Valentine’s Day? Can you move the test to Friday?
Lawler: Okay, fine. But I better see some real Valentine’s Day activity.
"I once was lost and now I’m found...but it’s not like I deserved to be found!"
"In America you can’t even die for your opinions. You go down to Broad Street, tell all sorts of horrible things, and people ignore you. If you say really gross things it’s 'artistic freedom,' which is really the freedom to be utterly ignored."
"With God you’ve got this love-hate relationship. You can love God for saving people who don’t deserve to be saved, or you can hate God for saving people who don’t deserve to be saved and not you. *pause* Strike that from the record. I hope nobody is recording this."
Newfound Dr. Cooley Quotes from last year (Enlish):
"Most of us don’t put on our foreheads: 'I’m ignorant, and I’m happy.'"
Cooley: What is a friend? I know you guys know.
Class: *silence*
Cooley: Okay...no one has a friend. Well then, speculate on what a friend MIGHT be.
"You know, I got this stuff from Aristotle. I didn’t make it up to torture you."
"I often threaten to put a big mirror in front of my classes so they can see what I see: weariness; exhaustion; pooped out students."
Cooley: What time does this class start?
Class: Two.
Cooley: Two...
"The Mississippi River has more heavy metals in it than any band you know."
"No married straight person is going to say, 'Well my neighbors are gay and married, so I just can’t do this!'"
"Most people don’t say, 'I’ve got to get married so I don’t spread diseases!'"
"The Hemlock Society was created to give people ways to die comfortably. You know, so you don’t step out in front of a bus and just get your toe mangled."
"I don’t believe that pharmacists are higher on the ladder than doctors. When the doctors say, "I would like so many milligrams of penicillin," the pharmacist doesn’t respond, "you don’t need that, I’ll give you aspirin instead.'"
"If someone was struck by lightning, you don’t say 'The lightning murdered him!'"
"Do you want the kind of doctor that says, 'here’s the problem, I THINK this will fix it...'"
Cooley: So why are you in college?
Random girl: I guess for me I just followed the herd from high school to college.
Cooley: That’s kind of bad.
"In what sense can a car affect the intellectual development of your mind? It can take your body around, but it won’t have a hell of a lot to do for your mind. So that’s a dopey argument, even if you changed it to, 'organized metal configurations can take your mind far.'" (Deconstructing a crazy claim in a Toyota advertisement.)
"I appreciate her question because she’s trying to understand what the hell is going on here."
"According to his argument, everyone that’s not a Christian is by definition not happy. The Greeks for instance: sad as hell."
Cooley: I’m just showing you how your mind is thinking.
Random girl: Thank you.
Dr. Bailey (American Government):
"Are you all in the right class? Government 211? Than I guess that means I’m in the right class, too."
"Everyone gets a syllabus - there’s no exclusion in this class. EVEN if you came in late..." *eyes late student*
Bailey: I’ve noticed already that your book looks different than mine - and that concerns me. How many pages does your book have, around 100?
Random guy: 234
Bailey: *looks at book* Your book is almost exactly the same as mine, just bigger print. The retirement village must have gotten hold of this book or something. That was wrong. I shouldn’t have said that.
"You’re going to have a difficult time reading some of the reading. It’s in English, but it’s from the 18th century. They didn’t have the instant messaging style writing where emotions could be conveyed through emoticons. It wasn’t: Revolution...sad face."
"I had a dream last night that a jet plane nudged the wing of a little prop plane and it crashed into my neighborhood, but I don’t know what that means so we don’t want to talk about it."
"If you miss more than three days of class I have to report it to the registrar. Believe it or not, the federal government requires it...because they want to be sure that you’re not a terrorist. So I have to report you unless you want the terrorists to win. Think of it this way, if you don’t attend class, you’re going to be high on my ‘could-be-terrorist’ list."
"If you turn in a paper and it’s not stapled...it will become a moment of tremendous public shame for you. It’s my permission to make fun of you."
"We have this very easy-going notion that ‘we’ are brilliant and our grandparents and great-grandparents are, finally, sort of semi-retarded."
"If we’re not exactly where the syllabus says we should be, and that stresses you, there may be a chance that this class will eventually bring you great anxiety."
Bailey: You don’t like rap, do you?
Girl: No!
Bailey: Wow, makes you angry.
"Johnny Cash...I don’t know if you heard about this, but he...you know."
Bailey: What does progressive rock mean?
Guy: You know, like, ProgRock.
Bailey: No, that just rephrases it.
Bailey: What kind of music do you like?
Guy: Black metal.
Bailey: I’m already scared.
"At the time of the American Revolution, France and England had been at war with each other for the last...ever."
"There is no culture that says, 'you’re a liar, we’re going to make you King...you’re the stuff.'"
Bailey: Good morning, any thoughts, comments, or announcements?
Girl: *yells* OH!
Bailey: Big announcement...
Girl: The spirit club meeting went well. We came up with a cheer called "miss it" for when they’re going to throw a free throw.
Bailey: That’s good, but isn’t it wrong to be rooting against your own team?
Girl: No, the other team.
Bailey: Gotcha.
Girl: Let me know if you’re interested in the Spirit Club.
Bailey: You really should join; otherwise we might think you’re part of the unspoken Apathy Club.
"I’m moving your test from Monday to Wednesday, and that decision has nothing to do with the Super Bowl."
"If you still want to buy Girl Scout cookies from my daughter I’m going to collect money after class this time instead of before. Last time I collected it before class started and it just felt wrong."
"As a whole, the class did much better on this quiz than the last one. Of course, that means nothing to you if you didn’t do well. It probably offers very little consolation to know that 'I' did very poorly but my neighbors did well."
"I better hand out these quizzes so we can start rocking. And rolling."
"I have today’s outline being passed around from both sides of the room. Just take one and pass it along. There will be one person in the middle who is responsible for all the extras. So only one person needs to be afraid. It’s like being in a jet, where it’s the responsibility for one person only to be able to open that window. If not, we’ll all perish."
"I left the book in my office. Just give me thirty seconds to go get it. Time me. Wait, don’t."
"If you were to see me and Tiger Woods golfing together, you’d never stop laughing."
"I saw this show the other day, I’m embarrassed to say, late at night, and some guy in a wrestling ring climbed up a ladder, jumped off the ladder, over - this is very embarrassing all of a sudden - over the ring and landed on some guy lying on a table (I don’t know why) and then he pounced on him. *long pause* How do they live? That’s my question."
Dr. Lawler (Modern Political Philosophy):
"I’m really bad at remembering everybody’s names, but I enrolled in a 12-step program, and I still can’t remember anyone’s name, but I don’t feel so bad about it anymore."
"Nietzsche said that the idea that there is a standard of truth by which we judge the real world is always the revenge of the weak. This is why professors love that moralistic stuff...because we’re so weak!"
"My task here is to offend you as much as possible so you don’t take this easily."
"Isn’t the whole theory of Christianity you bribing and flattering God for him to come to your defense? I mean...no offense." (Note: Dr. Lawler is a hardcore Christian Conservative. He just likes to push buttons, knowing most of the class is probably Christian Conservative as well.)
Lawler: If Bush had invaded anywhere and won in three days, would any American be opposed to it? Let’s say we had gone into Iraq and slaughtered one million Iraqis, but then, peace reigned, how many Americans would object to that?
Class: *silence*
Lawler: Okay, maybe a couple...
"Let’s go to chapter 16 before I get into too much trouble."
"There are four guys eating dinner together, and to show how virtuous and free from necessity they are, the first three fight to pay for the check without even knowing how much it will cost. The fourth guy, of course, is me, and I’m saying, 'go ahead, I will allow you to practice virtue.'"
"Where the hell is my two bucks?"
"America has 40% of the world’s wealth but only 6% of its population. If you’re Machiavellian, you say, 'now that’s a good job!'"
"Any questions, comments, criticisms? Is anyone unhappy? Does anyone wish life were different than it really is? *pause* Alright, let’s get started."
"God is like the characters in the second and third Matrix movies: they never die no matter what they do."
"You have to have order before you can have an effective government. We forgot to tell that to the Iraqis!"
"How many of you went to high school? Many of you are just so uneducated. It’s not good."
"You don’t love your iPod like you love your mom...I hope."
Lawler: I’m moving the test to the day after Valentine’s Day because I know you won’t be doing much on Valentine’s Day.
Girl: What if we ARE doing something on Valentine’s Day? Can you move the test to Friday?
Lawler: Okay, fine. But I better see some real Valentine’s Day activity.
"I once was lost and now I’m found...but it’s not like I deserved to be found!"
"In America you can’t even die for your opinions. You go down to Broad Street, tell all sorts of horrible things, and people ignore you. If you say really gross things it’s 'artistic freedom,' which is really the freedom to be utterly ignored."
"With God you’ve got this love-hate relationship. You can love God for saving people who don’t deserve to be saved, or you can hate God for saving people who don’t deserve to be saved and not you. *pause* Strike that from the record. I hope nobody is recording this."
Newfound Dr. Cooley Quotes from last year (Enlish):
"Most of us don’t put on our foreheads: 'I’m ignorant, and I’m happy.'"
Cooley: What is a friend? I know you guys know.
Class: *silence*
Cooley: Okay...no one has a friend. Well then, speculate on what a friend MIGHT be.
"You know, I got this stuff from Aristotle. I didn’t make it up to torture you."
"I often threaten to put a big mirror in front of my classes so they can see what I see: weariness; exhaustion; pooped out students."
Cooley: What time does this class start?
Class: Two.
Cooley: Two...
"The Mississippi River has more heavy metals in it than any band you know."
"No married straight person is going to say, 'Well my neighbors are gay and married, so I just can’t do this!'"
"Most people don’t say, 'I’ve got to get married so I don’t spread diseases!'"
"The Hemlock Society was created to give people ways to die comfortably. You know, so you don’t step out in front of a bus and just get your toe mangled."
"I don’t believe that pharmacists are higher on the ladder than doctors. When the doctors say, "I would like so many milligrams of penicillin," the pharmacist doesn’t respond, "you don’t need that, I’ll give you aspirin instead.'"
"If someone was struck by lightning, you don’t say 'The lightning murdered him!'"
"Do you want the kind of doctor that says, 'here’s the problem, I THINK this will fix it...'"
Cooley: So why are you in college?
Random girl: I guess for me I just followed the herd from high school to college.
Cooley: That’s kind of bad.
"In what sense can a car affect the intellectual development of your mind? It can take your body around, but it won’t have a hell of a lot to do for your mind. So that’s a dopey argument, even if you changed it to, 'organized metal configurations can take your mind far.'" (Deconstructing a crazy claim in a Toyota advertisement.)
"I appreciate her question because she’s trying to understand what the hell is going on here."
"According to his argument, everyone that’s not a Christian is by definition not happy. The Greeks for instance: sad as hell."
Cooley: I’m just showing you how your mind is thinking.
Random girl: Thank you.