(no subject)
i owe you so much journal. i owe you an explanation for being away for so long, and i owe myself the chance to record memories.
i never wrote about traveling to mexico city with amber, or did i? did i tell you about the new boys, how they disapperared, and then like clock-work another came along right after that? and i still haven't had the chance to catch you up on lea and zoey's sweet 16th birthday visit to nyc. that was an adventure, that was an eye-opener. teenagers.
i saw a concert too. and what else? oh, i lost more weight. 2 pounds. i am so pleased with that. and i got nominated at my job for an award even though i am only there 3 days a week. and my acting teacher started adoring me again. did i already tell you that?
i know i skipped my grandmother's funeral. all i really wanted to tell you was that i did it, i spoke at the funeral. i know she would have absolutely loved it, including me saying that she threw good parties, and liked to drink and smoke. i am still missing such a large chunk of my heart, i worry if sometimes my inability to remember that she is gone and then reach for my cellular is a sign that she will always be an active memory in my heart, or if i am in some sort of traumatic denial. i am pretty sure i have not lost my mind or my heart, but found the greatest source of inspiration and strength from a single death. i just...miss her so much. she had the prettiest feet i have ever seen, and the soles of her feet and hands were pink and soft. when i was a child she said that if there was a championship for teeth-brushing, i would take 2nd place. and she said that i should keep growing my hair long. and she told me she loved me. that was the very last thing she said. i will never forget hearing her say it, she sounded as if she knew it was going to be the last time. i took the only thing that mattered to me from her room, a small calendar that flips round and round. she must have picked it up in the 60's, and it still works because it has no year affiliated with it. you just keep spinning those months and dates round and round.
did i tell you about getting accepted to another acting studio, and then passing? i know that there is no way you could know that i started going to a networking company for actors, and am now meeting with casting directors weekly in sessions that end with an audition. that's fun. it also feels pro-active.
we haven't even talked of the debates! did you ever tell me if you think obama can win? if you did, i don't remember journal, but he's got it at this point. and my gosh, the state of the economy! but what's to tell journal, we all feel the strain. don't we?
daddy is fine, than you for asking. he is the same as always, i have no idea why i worry about him when he is the only of us who is never going to disappoint you...or die. no, he seems immortal at this point. grandpa too.
i think i have gotten prettier since you last saw me journal. i know, it's weird considering the amount of stress to my life lately, but my cousin janet said 'life has put some maturity in your face and you wear it well honey'. i think she was sincere.
and i didn't tell you about the 4-year spreadhseet that yasmin cerated for me! it actually has my LIFE planned for the next 4 years, and it spares no details. my grandmother and i had a trip planned to london for the olympics in 2012. other than that, i have not veered from it at all. albeit i have only been engaged in the life cycle we planned for 3 months now, but it is thrilling to think that one day i will be looking back at it and saying to myself that i can't believe i did it.
there is no one to rely on except for me. i have a mother, sort of, and a father, and other family members and friends. but really, it is only me now. there is no home to return to, only one to build for myself. this can be something you cry about, or something that empowers you. there is no one who loved me as much as my grandmother, i am sure of that. without her, i guess i must find it inside of myself to keep going and to make myself proud. and of course, you too journal.
i never wrote about traveling to mexico city with amber, or did i? did i tell you about the new boys, how they disapperared, and then like clock-work another came along right after that? and i still haven't had the chance to catch you up on lea and zoey's sweet 16th birthday visit to nyc. that was an adventure, that was an eye-opener. teenagers.
i saw a concert too. and what else? oh, i lost more weight. 2 pounds. i am so pleased with that. and i got nominated at my job for an award even though i am only there 3 days a week. and my acting teacher started adoring me again. did i already tell you that?
i know i skipped my grandmother's funeral. all i really wanted to tell you was that i did it, i spoke at the funeral. i know she would have absolutely loved it, including me saying that she threw good parties, and liked to drink and smoke. i am still missing such a large chunk of my heart, i worry if sometimes my inability to remember that she is gone and then reach for my cellular is a sign that she will always be an active memory in my heart, or if i am in some sort of traumatic denial. i am pretty sure i have not lost my mind or my heart, but found the greatest source of inspiration and strength from a single death. i just...miss her so much. she had the prettiest feet i have ever seen, and the soles of her feet and hands were pink and soft. when i was a child she said that if there was a championship for teeth-brushing, i would take 2nd place. and she said that i should keep growing my hair long. and she told me she loved me. that was the very last thing she said. i will never forget hearing her say it, she sounded as if she knew it was going to be the last time. i took the only thing that mattered to me from her room, a small calendar that flips round and round. she must have picked it up in the 60's, and it still works because it has no year affiliated with it. you just keep spinning those months and dates round and round.
did i tell you about getting accepted to another acting studio, and then passing? i know that there is no way you could know that i started going to a networking company for actors, and am now meeting with casting directors weekly in sessions that end with an audition. that's fun. it also feels pro-active.
we haven't even talked of the debates! did you ever tell me if you think obama can win? if you did, i don't remember journal, but he's got it at this point. and my gosh, the state of the economy! but what's to tell journal, we all feel the strain. don't we?
daddy is fine, than you for asking. he is the same as always, i have no idea why i worry about him when he is the only of us who is never going to disappoint you...or die. no, he seems immortal at this point. grandpa too.
i think i have gotten prettier since you last saw me journal. i know, it's weird considering the amount of stress to my life lately, but my cousin janet said 'life has put some maturity in your face and you wear it well honey'. i think she was sincere.
and i didn't tell you about the 4-year spreadhseet that yasmin cerated for me! it actually has my LIFE planned for the next 4 years, and it spares no details. my grandmother and i had a trip planned to london for the olympics in 2012. other than that, i have not veered from it at all. albeit i have only been engaged in the life cycle we planned for 3 months now, but it is thrilling to think that one day i will be looking back at it and saying to myself that i can't believe i did it.
there is no one to rely on except for me. i have a mother, sort of, and a father, and other family members and friends. but really, it is only me now. there is no home to return to, only one to build for myself. this can be something you cry about, or something that empowers you. there is no one who loved me as much as my grandmother, i am sure of that. without her, i guess i must find it inside of myself to keep going and to make myself proud. and of course, you too journal.