genesis is genesis
i cannot stop smiling, singing, eating, jumping, talking, sharing, praising, loving, dancing, shaking (my butt), anticipating...everything. it's all in abundance. my entire life is an abundance of good overflow from the very, very good seeds i have been planting. i looked back at my last journal entry and it makes me ridiculously happy to see what changes i have made. even the changes are happening abundantly.
just the basics are amazing. found an apartment in brooklyn with the cutest little boy--although he is not a boy, just cute--that actually has two bedrooms and two living rooms. yes, i said two living rooms. there is enough room for my whole family to come and stay if they wanted to visit. and then there's my job. i have actually found a job working for the tory burch--there is only one honey chile--and her company is going to pay me $20 an hour four days a week to contribute to a fashion line that i will devote genuine effort to because i love it that much. (and oprah wears her clothes!) i have never been paid this much money before and i know that i'll laugh about that amount one day (soon), but for now it's like a 40% raise in income. (journal, you know i cannot do math and that i am making that number up, but just go with me on this one). not only is it only four days a week, but my office is convinced that i will be a spokesperson for tory burch clothing so they let me escape to go for auditions whenever i need to! what do i do with my time on that fifth day of the week, journal, was that your question? let me tell you. i, j to the a the s-m-i-n-e, will be a teacher for the kabbalah center! i get to travel to the absolute worst areas of the bronx and brooklyn--pack me a good pair of running shoes, pepper spray, and a a razor blade--and change the lives of children. most attend because it is their only meal for the day. i am talking about poor, poor, poooor children exposed to violence and hopelessness on a daily basis. but!, i am there and so are my friends and together we are improving lives. and that keeps me so thankful and so inspired and so open to being open.
still gotta get signed by an agent, but i mean seriously, with the roll that i am on, i give myself two to three weeks. i asked God for guidance about several things and He is just taking care of them one by one. the best part is that that same power is inside of me and it is finally coming out. (it's kind of a big deal). i realize that if you look through this journal there are several waves of good and then bad, and so on and so on. i thought about it and it seems that the reason for this is because i was always reliant on something else to step in and fix the problem. when the something disappears, so does the will to continue the progress. and so i backslide. but now i am responsible for my life. the Light and i are connected. the new year has begun, and i am ready for it. so the point is, some lucky agent is going to have me land on their doorstep next week, and he/she will be the better for it. i can't wait any longer. i am here. doing it. and i have a lot of living to do. on with the show.
forgot to mention that h stern called me back to come and model jewelry for them during the holiday season. so every sunday i'll be standing in there laughing with my fairy godmothers, handing out apple cider, advising handsome men on which bracelet to buy. this is another wonderful blessing, for it will allow me to pay for christmas presents and perhaps the plane ticket too without dipping into my other funds from tory burch. then there's the fact that damien is coming with me for christmas and he will finally understand where i'm from, why we yell 'roll tide', and why i'm crazy as a loon. he will see my horses, meet my grandmother, sweep out the garage, water the plants, clean the pool and whatever else they think of for me to do. and we will love doing it together.
he will see the pot field my father is growing and he will wonder how he keeps it up during winter, and i will shrug and leave them to it because i am sober these days. i will remember how i used to consume cocaine weekly and never called my friends, never tried to be a better person, followed other people, slept to avoid sunlight, weakened my body. i will remember and then i will smile and i will ponder how great and strong i am for having stopped all that foolishness, and then i will realize that dad and damien have taken off on the four-wheelers and left me behind. and i will think this is funny. at first. i will catch up because like fools, they have underestimated me. ha.
this weekend i am going to visit my younger sister in boston. i have not seen her in at least 3 or four years, so it is long overdue. if i could take everyone with me wherever i go i would, but it cannot be this way. so i go for a visit that i have promised her again and again. and i smile as i purchase her birthday presents here and there.
i wonder how ben is doing in africa. tell madonna i say hello. send me a trinket. i wonder about tasia and hope that our new years trip works out in miami. bienvenido yada yada. i do love my tomi. he is wonderful to me. i cannot wait to wrap my arms around hunter cain. to hear std sing. and tap. to eat lunch with yohance. to harass josh. to drink with rene. to chill with brandon. to do it all. do it all.
it's weird how people do not like to be around people that are happy. so i have ex'd several people. bye. i will miss you. call me when you are happy too. the thing is, i am always there to empathize with people about the bad. but God knows i have been there and i do not want to go back, so please kindly refrain from trying to pull me there.
the subway at 125th street smells like a dead body. someday they are going to discover lots of dead bodies and i need to have this written down as proof that oh yeah, i could've told you that a long time ago.
apparently i am not having a baby and this little reminder is gross and discourages me from going to yoga because i feel everyone can tell that i am not having a baby. i'm sure it's a matter of looking at the cup half full, but at this moment i am pissy at myself for having left my aleve at home. damnit jasmine. forgetful little buttercup honey chile. damnit.
eating lunch is a big thing for me too. i started going to bikram yoga--and the one that i go to has the room heated to 115 degrees--after meeting my instructor in my kabbalh class. 115...i'm gonna say it...115 fucking degrees! it's enough to make you wanna say things like 'Lord have mercy on soul-how many chickens have i stole-wastin' water on my flo'...' and so on. which is actually one of my favorite ism's quoted by my grandmother. hm, there was a point here. right, ok, so this yoga class is good because you sweat out every toxin you've put into your body, bad because you sweat out every toxin you've put into your body. really makes you think before you choose a three-cheese pizza. i mean, have you ever smelled three-cheese pizza coming out of your pores? (just threw up in my mouth a little bit). dude, choose the salad. and i hate frickin' salads, ok? but i swear, i eat 'em now more than ever. and i suppose the blackhead on my ass is my bodies way of thanking me for it.
i found my dress for sara catherine's wedding. it is lime green. my mouth puckers like i have ingested something sour when i look at it. but how often do you look at a pretty black woman and your whole face just implodes with juicy sour goodness because her dress is that green? NOT OFTEN ENOUGH!
my nails are disgusting, my toe nails even more so. since i am always alone, there are no complaints. i have finally adjusted to this. the whole being alone all the time thing. with damien in dc, deenie constantly working, graham being graham, missing stephen's calls, amit resting on the sabbath, tomi dating michelle, yasmin being yasmin, and me being me...it just works out that way. a. lone. r. needless to say, talking to myself is out of control. as is the length of this entry.
saw 'little miss sunshine'. finally. another check on the big list of things to do before i die. not really. this was some sort of sub-list. you know what i mean.
justin timberlake? can you hear me? hello?
i think my hair is pulled too tightly today. alliteration. now here's some onomatopoeia for you. it is the the sound of me sighing. sighing again. and now the click click of my heels as i go out to take over the whole city. and then the world. ka-boom.
just the basics are amazing. found an apartment in brooklyn with the cutest little boy--although he is not a boy, just cute--that actually has two bedrooms and two living rooms. yes, i said two living rooms. there is enough room for my whole family to come and stay if they wanted to visit. and then there's my job. i have actually found a job working for the tory burch--there is only one honey chile--and her company is going to pay me $20 an hour four days a week to contribute to a fashion line that i will devote genuine effort to because i love it that much. (and oprah wears her clothes!) i have never been paid this much money before and i know that i'll laugh about that amount one day (soon), but for now it's like a 40% raise in income. (journal, you know i cannot do math and that i am making that number up, but just go with me on this one). not only is it only four days a week, but my office is convinced that i will be a spokesperson for tory burch clothing so they let me escape to go for auditions whenever i need to! what do i do with my time on that fifth day of the week, journal, was that your question? let me tell you. i, j to the a the s-m-i-n-e, will be a teacher for the kabbalah center! i get to travel to the absolute worst areas of the bronx and brooklyn--pack me a good pair of running shoes, pepper spray, and a a razor blade--and change the lives of children. most attend because it is their only meal for the day. i am talking about poor, poor, poooor children exposed to violence and hopelessness on a daily basis. but!, i am there and so are my friends and together we are improving lives. and that keeps me so thankful and so inspired and so open to being open.
still gotta get signed by an agent, but i mean seriously, with the roll that i am on, i give myself two to three weeks. i asked God for guidance about several things and He is just taking care of them one by one. the best part is that that same power is inside of me and it is finally coming out. (it's kind of a big deal). i realize that if you look through this journal there are several waves of good and then bad, and so on and so on. i thought about it and it seems that the reason for this is because i was always reliant on something else to step in and fix the problem. when the something disappears, so does the will to continue the progress. and so i backslide. but now i am responsible for my life. the Light and i are connected. the new year has begun, and i am ready for it. so the point is, some lucky agent is going to have me land on their doorstep next week, and he/she will be the better for it. i can't wait any longer. i am here. doing it. and i have a lot of living to do. on with the show.
forgot to mention that h stern called me back to come and model jewelry for them during the holiday season. so every sunday i'll be standing in there laughing with my fairy godmothers, handing out apple cider, advising handsome men on which bracelet to buy. this is another wonderful blessing, for it will allow me to pay for christmas presents and perhaps the plane ticket too without dipping into my other funds from tory burch. then there's the fact that damien is coming with me for christmas and he will finally understand where i'm from, why we yell 'roll tide', and why i'm crazy as a loon. he will see my horses, meet my grandmother, sweep out the garage, water the plants, clean the pool and whatever else they think of for me to do. and we will love doing it together.
he will see the pot field my father is growing and he will wonder how he keeps it up during winter, and i will shrug and leave them to it because i am sober these days. i will remember how i used to consume cocaine weekly and never called my friends, never tried to be a better person, followed other people, slept to avoid sunlight, weakened my body. i will remember and then i will smile and i will ponder how great and strong i am for having stopped all that foolishness, and then i will realize that dad and damien have taken off on the four-wheelers and left me behind. and i will think this is funny. at first. i will catch up because like fools, they have underestimated me. ha.
this weekend i am going to visit my younger sister in boston. i have not seen her in at least 3 or four years, so it is long overdue. if i could take everyone with me wherever i go i would, but it cannot be this way. so i go for a visit that i have promised her again and again. and i smile as i purchase her birthday presents here and there.
i wonder how ben is doing in africa. tell madonna i say hello. send me a trinket. i wonder about tasia and hope that our new years trip works out in miami. bienvenido yada yada. i do love my tomi. he is wonderful to me. i cannot wait to wrap my arms around hunter cain. to hear std sing. and tap. to eat lunch with yohance. to harass josh. to drink with rene. to chill with brandon. to do it all. do it all.
it's weird how people do not like to be around people that are happy. so i have ex'd several people. bye. i will miss you. call me when you are happy too. the thing is, i am always there to empathize with people about the bad. but God knows i have been there and i do not want to go back, so please kindly refrain from trying to pull me there.
the subway at 125th street smells like a dead body. someday they are going to discover lots of dead bodies and i need to have this written down as proof that oh yeah, i could've told you that a long time ago.
apparently i am not having a baby and this little reminder is gross and discourages me from going to yoga because i feel everyone can tell that i am not having a baby. i'm sure it's a matter of looking at the cup half full, but at this moment i am pissy at myself for having left my aleve at home. damnit jasmine. forgetful little buttercup honey chile. damnit.
eating lunch is a big thing for me too. i started going to bikram yoga--and the one that i go to has the room heated to 115 degrees--after meeting my instructor in my kabbalh class. 115...i'm gonna say it...115 fucking degrees! it's enough to make you wanna say things like 'Lord have mercy on soul-how many chickens have i stole-wastin' water on my flo'...' and so on. which is actually one of my favorite ism's quoted by my grandmother. hm, there was a point here. right, ok, so this yoga class is good because you sweat out every toxin you've put into your body, bad because you sweat out every toxin you've put into your body. really makes you think before you choose a three-cheese pizza. i mean, have you ever smelled three-cheese pizza coming out of your pores? (just threw up in my mouth a little bit). dude, choose the salad. and i hate frickin' salads, ok? but i swear, i eat 'em now more than ever. and i suppose the blackhead on my ass is my bodies way of thanking me for it.
i found my dress for sara catherine's wedding. it is lime green. my mouth puckers like i have ingested something sour when i look at it. but how often do you look at a pretty black woman and your whole face just implodes with juicy sour goodness because her dress is that green? NOT OFTEN ENOUGH!
my nails are disgusting, my toe nails even more so. since i am always alone, there are no complaints. i have finally adjusted to this. the whole being alone all the time thing. with damien in dc, deenie constantly working, graham being graham, missing stephen's calls, amit resting on the sabbath, tomi dating michelle, yasmin being yasmin, and me being me...it just works out that way. a. lone. r. needless to say, talking to myself is out of control. as is the length of this entry.
saw 'little miss sunshine'. finally. another check on the big list of things to do before i die. not really. this was some sort of sub-list. you know what i mean.
justin timberlake? can you hear me? hello?
i think my hair is pulled too tightly today. alliteration. now here's some onomatopoeia for you. it is the the sound of me sighing. sighing again. and now the click click of my heels as i go out to take over the whole city. and then the world. ka-boom.