Even if it's laid out for you...
I was planning his death. I was planning Angel's death. I never thought that I would ever be doing that, I mean, this was Angel here, and if anything I was planning a future. But that future died out when we made love, when I gave myself to him, out of pure honest love. It died because we didn't know.
I knew that there was no counselor, no friend on this earth that would make the pain go away, or make me feel better about myself. I was killing Angelus because I killed Angel, and Angelus killed Jenny. It was hurting all of us, and the one person that I felt I could connect with right now was the one person I didn't think wanted to connect to anyone at the moment. Giles. Of all people, it wouldn't be me that he would want to talk to. If it weren't for me than none of this would have ever happened. I knew that when he told me that there was no way I could have known that he meant it, and he really wasn't showing animosity toward me, but all of this was before the person that HE loved was murdered. Before I stopped him from dying when he was trying to kill Angel. Before all hell broke loose even more than it already had.
I didn't understand why Angel went after Jenny. If it was to make me feel guilt for shunning her, or making Giles do the same, or if it was just because her people were the ones that put the curse on him in the first place, I didn't know. All of those were relevant. whatever he set out to do, it worked. Just the way he wanted it to.
The comfort that I found in Giles was leaving when I knew that he was out for blood and would stand anything less that a pile of dust. I have to kill Angel, not Giles, and yet he was putting it on on himself, like it was something that he owed. Those thoughts of his were the ones that were going to end up getting him killed. I wasn't going to have that. I wouldn't be able to stand it. Giles being killed by Angel? Angel wasn't going to be getting close enough to do such things.
At first, it was hard to accept that I would be killing him. The man that I loved, but I had to get it through my thick, selfish head that Angel wasn't coming back. He died the second that we slept together. I had to grasp that concept when I was looking into his eyes and shoving a stake through his heart. I had to think that way, and I had to think about all the hell that he had put me and my friends through. If I didn't run those through my mind, then there was no way that I could kill him. Just thinking about all this stuff made everything easier. Much easier.
Giles wanted to do it tonight, he wanted to surprise attack Angel and get it over with. That wasn't going to happen on my watch, but I couldnt' leave him, because he was just as crazed to go out there alone with my support or without it. So I was stuck between a rock and a hard place, that I wasn't going to get out of. This was the decision that I had to make. Giles and I were going to kill Angel. Or so he thought.
Giles wasn't going to get close enough. It was going to be me. Giles was going to be safe distance away from Angel and I. I was going to make sure of that.
When I was being trained, I was taught to look at the world, change it, and make it better. I didn't think that it would ever be this way. Ive discovered that I'm not a part of this world, because when I was making it better, when I killed Angel, my world was going to collapse, my world was going to be nothing but a pile of dust.
There world was going to be safer, changed, better.
My world was going to be gone.
That was something that I was just going to have to accept.
I knew that there was no counselor, no friend on this earth that would make the pain go away, or make me feel better about myself. I was killing Angelus because I killed Angel, and Angelus killed Jenny. It was hurting all of us, and the one person that I felt I could connect with right now was the one person I didn't think wanted to connect to anyone at the moment. Giles. Of all people, it wouldn't be me that he would want to talk to. If it weren't for me than none of this would have ever happened. I knew that when he told me that there was no way I could have known that he meant it, and he really wasn't showing animosity toward me, but all of this was before the person that HE loved was murdered. Before I stopped him from dying when he was trying to kill Angel. Before all hell broke loose even more than it already had.
I didn't understand why Angel went after Jenny. If it was to make me feel guilt for shunning her, or making Giles do the same, or if it was just because her people were the ones that put the curse on him in the first place, I didn't know. All of those were relevant. whatever he set out to do, it worked. Just the way he wanted it to.
The comfort that I found in Giles was leaving when I knew that he was out for blood and would stand anything less that a pile of dust. I have to kill Angel, not Giles, and yet he was putting it on on himself, like it was something that he owed. Those thoughts of his were the ones that were going to end up getting him killed. I wasn't going to have that. I wouldn't be able to stand it. Giles being killed by Angel? Angel wasn't going to be getting close enough to do such things.
At first, it was hard to accept that I would be killing him. The man that I loved, but I had to get it through my thick, selfish head that Angel wasn't coming back. He died the second that we slept together. I had to grasp that concept when I was looking into his eyes and shoving a stake through his heart. I had to think that way, and I had to think about all the hell that he had put me and my friends through. If I didn't run those through my mind, then there was no way that I could kill him. Just thinking about all this stuff made everything easier. Much easier.
Giles wanted to do it tonight, he wanted to surprise attack Angel and get it over with. That wasn't going to happen on my watch, but I couldnt' leave him, because he was just as crazed to go out there alone with my support or without it. So I was stuck between a rock and a hard place, that I wasn't going to get out of. This was the decision that I had to make. Giles and I were going to kill Angel. Or so he thought.
Giles wasn't going to get close enough. It was going to be me. Giles was going to be safe distance away from Angel and I. I was going to make sure of that.
When I was being trained, I was taught to look at the world, change it, and make it better. I didn't think that it would ever be this way. Ive discovered that I'm not a part of this world, because when I was making it better, when I killed Angel, my world was going to collapse, my world was going to be nothing but a pile of dust.
There world was going to be safer, changed, better.
My world was going to be gone.
That was something that I was just going to have to accept.