I never knew I could hurt so bad..

[angelbuffy]

The ride back was pretty much silent, except for a little movement from fidgeting people. I didn't want to talk, and Giles didn't want to talk, so that left everyone that was in the car wondering. Wondering a lot of things, and since Giles was alive, I think they were mostly wondering if I had killed Angel. In which case, no. I couldn't once

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[angelbuffy]

Hearing him say that, hearing the words, and feeling that he had in them. the anger, pain, it made things a little easier, yet harder at the same time.

In one point it helped where I could know what he had done to my friends. the other, was the fact that I should have killed him by now. I should have gotten it over with a long time ago, instead my head was so clear on thinking that there was a way to get him back, that there was a way that things would be easier, that I'd stop loving him, that maybe if we gave it tim his soul would just come back.

anything, but no. I had to step back into reality and face the facts. One of them being that he had just killed Jenny, and would probably try again to kill more people that were close to me, and that just wasn't going to happen. I wouldn't be able to take it.

God, I felt like suck a bad person. The other night, I kept thinking, and I kept trying to hate angel. It wasn't working. What did he haveto do to get me to hate him? I was a bad person.

That was the only explination. and I wasn't going to let this out to any of them. Not Willow, Xander, or especially Giles. I was going to do this for him because I had to.

I sat down, and didn't make eyecontact with Giles. It hurt me too much.

"I know. I'm sorry I couldn't kill him for you back there. But I'm ready now."

I had to be.

[backintweed]

Her saying that she hadn't been able to kill him then, but was ready to now, loosed my numb sensation and just made me a blubbering baffoon once more.

I latched on to her little body, that was so strong and felt her embrace.

I could scarcely blame her for what had happened to Jenny, but when she put it the way that she had, I wished that she had been able to kill Angel when we had stopped the judge with that rocket launcher, but it was more then that, so much more.

As I continued to cry, I knew that it could have been different if I had only gone easier on Jenny after her slight betrayal about not telling us that she all that there was to know about Angel and how he would lose his soul.

I couldn't blame my slayer for that, either, because Buffy had been wronged, but if I had only let Jenny back in, if I had only handled things differently, then this whole night probably would have turned out differently.

Through tears, I wallowed the words out. "I know that you'll do what you have to do to stop him, Buffy, and I will be behind you all of the way."

[angelbuffy]

I didn't want him behind me that was the point. I was going to be going in this alone, like the slayer should be doing. Everything alone. I was grateful for my friends, and giles, everyone. But I couldn't let anyone else get hurt, especially since this should have been handled a long time ago.

But I didn't say anything. I wasn't going to tell him that I was going to do this alone. I wasn't going to tell him that I needed his support, but not him being on the front lines. None of them.

I just held him, thinking about the events that were going to be in the future. I hated the future. I hated everything right now.

"I will stop him Giles."

When I got home, I was going to curl up in a ball.

[backintweed]

Coherency was starting to return to me a little bit, as I took my glasses off and not only cleaned them, but cleaned the tears around my eyes, also.

"How do you intend on stopping him, Buffy. He's got his whimsy and he is not working alone. If you have to face off with he and Drusilla it could be very dangerous for you, and you will feel bad about having to kill him in spite of...in spite of everything everything that's happened. If you have any indecision, it could be fatal, and I won't have you dying again, Buffy, I won't allow it. This has to be planned, to the most minute detail and when you kill Angel, I will be there to stop Drusilla, or the peroxided cripple."

She gave me the look. The I'm serious look, watch me as I do things my way look.

"I'm serious, Buffy. I'm going to help you kill him. I don't care what happens to me. I have nothing else to lose, other then you."

[angelbuffy]

I was going to go in this alone. I had to, because if I didn't then the potential for my friends dying was going to to be higher. I wasn't going to allow that to happen. but Giles was right about one thing. That was the planning, even though I had no doubt that I was going to be able to beat them all. Even if it did mean my death, I was going to kill them.

"I am too. You may not care what happens, but I care what happens to you Giles. This isn't your job to fight. It's mine. I can do it. I will do it. But I'm not going to watch another person in my life die."

[backintweed]

"Then you shant," I said, trying not to recoil in tears with the thoughts of Jenny in my mind.

"I will not perish, you will not perish. We will kill Angel, Spike and Drusilla and once again live in a moderately safe town..."

Without Jenny in it, or in the world anymore.

"As I told you before, the good guys with the white hats on always win, the bad guys always lose, the evil always falls on the ide of losing and everything will be happily after after."

I had lied to her then, and was lying to her now, because killing them wasn't going to be easy, but killing them would be done.

[angelbuffy]

I had to smile at Giles for that comment. I remembered that lie, and it was something that would be able to keep me going. Even though this was as far fetched as it comes, it was a nice getaway from reality.

The reality that my boyfriend is killing everyone that I love.

This had everything to do with him too. Giles loved Jenny, and it was Angel who killed her, brutally. I had to give him something for that. But I wasn't going to let him go in there with me to kill Angel. He could research, he could stand outside. But I wasn't going to get him killed because I wasn't able to do my job.

The job that I was supposed to perform alone.

"You need to try and get some sleep."

I said through sobs. I knew that he wouldn't be able to sleep at all with images of Jenny in his head. I knew it. I'd experienced something like that before with Angel.

[backintweed]

"The only possible way that sleep would be able to find me, Buffy, is if you were to strike me again."

Well, I supposed that thiswas not a true statement.

A couple of bottles of scotch would knock me out for a couple of days, at least, and since I had no outlet for my anger, since I didn't have the powers of a slayer to try to kill Angel, then drinking was the only way to comatose myself enough for the pain not to be so overbearing.

I saw that my slayer was crying, and my own tears had run dry, at least momentarily.

I wanted to hug her, because she had a lot to face and I knew it, but the stinging pain was going to set in and I wanted to numb myself. I headed for the liquor cabinet.

I grabbed a bottle of scotch, and a glass, opening the freezer and throwing ice into the glass before filling it.

[angelbuffy]

I wasn't going to stop him from drinking. I couldn't. He had just lost the woman that he loved to a horrible murder. It wasn't something that I was going to stop him from doing. It probably helped, a lot. But it wasn't going to bring her back.

Nothing was going to bring her back. I didn't understand something though. Why Angel chose her to kill first? It was hurting Giles more than it was hurting me, a lot more.

I guess that didn't really matter anyway, because it still happened, and I was still going to kill him. There wasn't time to mourn anymore. Not until he was gone. Not until he was dust and unable to hurt anyone.

I didn't know if I should go, or watch him drink himself to sleep in silence.. I knew that he wasn't going to go after Angel, but I wasn't sure if Angel was going to go after him.

Which reminded me.

"We need to do that spell, Giles. Make sure Angel can't get in here."

[backintweed]

I was so corrupted by negative feelings that I didn't even consider that one.

I had already poured myself another drink.

"At this point, Buffy, I don't care if he..if he comes in here again..."

It sounded suicidal but it didn't have to be. If he did come back in, then I might be able to surprise him with a dousing of holy water, and then light him on fire, before beheading him with one of my axes.

I could drink to that.

And, indeed, I did, my watcher's mentality gone, no example being set for my slayer, although I didn't know if I would ever be the same around her, or personally, again.

I didn't think that I would be.

[angelbuffy]

"Giles i'm doing the spell. You're in no state to fight Angel, and we agreed. I'm killing Angel with your help. You're not going up against him again...and I'm not leaving here until I know that you're safe."

I was dead serious. This wasn't something that I was going to do, leave Angel, so he could finish off all of my friends and family? No way.

Giles was a complete mess, and I didn't know if he'd be cooperative with the spell. If he wasn't, then I'd have Willow help me out after he passed out from the drinking...or I was staying the night here.

Right now, for the next few hours at least, I was past tears and into serious mode.

[backintweed]

"Very well, Buffy. We can do the de-invitation spell or we could do something a little more drastic and bring the fight to him, as..as opposed to letting him walk around, coming to our doors where he won't be able to enter."

I was very much numb, but was also equally as stalwart in the killing of Angelus camp.

The blimy berk had his whimsy back and it was time to put a permanent damper upon it.

Still, I couldn't get my mind off of Jenny, or my face out of the bottle of scotch.

I poured another glass.

[angelbuffy]

I watched him as he poured himself another glass of alcohol. I felt horrible, but I wasn't going to stop him. If it numbed the pain that I knew he was feeling then I wanted him to. I just didn't want him to go overboard.

There was just no escaping the pain that we were feeling. There were ways to attempt to numb it, but it wasn't possible to just stop feeling it at all. If there was a possibility, then sign us up.

It occurred to me that no one else could know what we were feeling. The pain, the torture that both of us were feeling wasn't going to be felt through Willow, or even Xander. this pain was some thing that was piercing.

"What do we do first?"

[backintweed]

"Very well, I suppose that it would be intelligent to have Willow..to have Willow do the de-invitation procedure."

It wasn't important to me right now, numb, cold as I was, but I knew enough to know that in days, I might have my head about me again, or possibly...possibly not.

I didn't have a plan. I wanted to drink and couldn't get Jenny out of my head, but Buffy was my slayer and I had to try to offer her some encouragement.

But, what was it that I could say? Charge, plunge, charge, plunge?

"We have to stop him, all of them, Buffy, I...I just don't know if I have the answers right now."

I couldn't think.