fic: Broken memory (4/5)
Title: Broken memory
Pairing: Akame, Kamepi (later)
Author:mouter
Beta: nikattun
Genre: a bit angst, drama
Rating: none
Summary: Kazuya had an accident and he lost part of his memories.
A/N: I want dedicate this fic to My lovely Hugging Monster (karilly ) for make me smile and giving power to life. You're incredible women, dear! Don't you dare thinking in another way!
Kazuya was sitting on the sofa, watching his friend who looked pale and lost. He wasn’t able to talk properly, he admitted to himself, so he just drank his warm coffee in silence. He didn’t know what to talk about with him as they sat in silence, or what possible topic should they talk about. But then, he remembered that Pi isn’t even close to him. Pi was rather closed to his own world, in his own dreamy personality. For somehow, he felt it was true, but deep within, he’s not quite sure of his assumptions.
Kazuya shook his head, and smiled modestly while looking at Pi. Surely this time, life is giving him a one chance of a lifetime to know more about this mysterious person, such person that drives him crazy. He wanted so much to understand him and to find out who he really is, yet he can’t seem to find courage. A dream is just a dream, Kazuya. Nothing more, nothing less. Yet when he looked at Pi, all those thoughts just fade away. I wanted to talk to him about anything under the sun. Please say anything, Pi. Anything would be fine, rather than being this silent with you.
“Say, how would you manage to live in that room after what happened?”
Kazuya sighed with relief when he heard the question from the other. Of course, he didn’t know what Pi had in his mind, but it was better that he asked him, rather than staying in the deafening silence between them. In his innermost thoughts, he’s smiling. Then, he shrugged his arms and pursed his lips.
“Why would you ask me such things,” Kazuya replied with a question, “you know, the way you said it, it’s a little scary and cold.”
“I see,” Pi wasn’t surprised, so Kazuya sighed with relief once again. But now, Kazuya was sure and certain that there was something else - something the other manages to hide from him. Gradually, he’s starting to be afraid... Before, his friends tried to hide something from him, something which probably could hurt him. He didn’t like that feeling because, all the more, he doesn’t even have a clue of what they are thinking about him. Then Pi interrupted his thoughts. “Why don’t you change apartments?”
“I don’t want to,” Kazuya smiled to him gently. “Well, there is this something I want to remember and cherish. I admit, that feeling I’m feeling right now could only be here. I can’t explain why, but that feeling is precious to me, Pi. I don’t want to change rooms, and I’m pretty sure it’s obvious,” he explained further, and started to laugh all of a sudden when he realized what he was talking about. Nevertheless, he was sure that the other didn’t understand it at all. “Pi-chan… tell me, am I crazy?”
“No Kazu, you’re not crazy,” Pi smiled to him gently, “you’re just a bit lost… and unusual, like always.” He laughed happily, then hugged the younger one as he whispered, “It’s okay, Kazu. There’s no need to be that strong, after what just happened. You can cry if you want, actually. Nobody would attempt to laugh, that’s sure.”
“I don’t want to cry,” Kazuya whispered, not letting go of the other in his arms, “I cried too much to cry again. I think, right now, I wouldn’t be able to produce even a single tear.”
“I see… it must be hard to you, after Jin’s death. I’m sorry Kame-chan. I wasn’t there, but I know that I should be in the first place. I should be there for you. Jin was my best friend after all and you… I left you with that alone,” he hugged Kazuya tightly, and closed his eyes. Beads of moisture fell down from his eyes. Then, Kazuya, too, closed his eyes for a while and pushed the other away with eyes so dark and serious.
“Jin?”
“Yes, you know…Akanishi Jin. The A from KAT-TUN, from your band,” Pi explained to the younger man in front of him with disbelief on his face, “Kazuya, are you making fun of me?”
With surprised face, he replied, “Akanishi? Koki told me, that he’s my enemy, and he went away.” Kame shook his head and shrugged arms again. He didn’t know what Pi was talking about, “He was just my enemy…well, it’s okay, that I don’t feel guilty of his death, right?”
“Kamenashi! What the hell are you talking about?!” Anger starts to rise up on Pi’s system as he clenched his fists hard and furiously walk back and forth. “Jin was your lover, your boyfriend. You loved him! You loved him, Kazuya! And he loved you, too! You two were already inseparable since childhood. He was your band mate, friend and lover. How could you forget about him?! About such important thing, for Chrissakes?!” Pi grabbed Kazuya and looked directly in the eye with furious features. “Say something,” he ordered Kazuya.
“Pi-chan… I… I don’t know,” he pushed Pi away, and unconsciously bit his lip, “you’re talking about such things… but I… I just don’t remember all of it. Well, sometimes I do have dreams, okay? I know that I’ve lost something, someone…but I didn’t know who that person was! And nobody wanted to tell me! All the time, they would say that these are all dreams, and there is nothing to worry about! But there is something…in this house! I’m scared, Pi! I don’t want to be alone! I have that feeling that his home…this home just tried to remember me about something special!” Kazuya became furious, anxious to his thoughts and feelings. He was holding these feelings for too long, and now it’s like a waterfall, pouring every single bit, every single element of it, without someone or something to even prevent it from falling, “I don’t know who I am anymore! I don’t know who this person was! All I know is that, he was important to me…he was always with me. I wanted to know everything about him, but I can’t see his face, even if I wanted to. I can’t even remember his name! Yet, I remember his voice, a voice far away in my weak memory. But at times, I can’t hear his voice, because of this damn memory loss! And then now, I don’t even know why are you so mad at me!”
Silence. After Kazuya had let it all out, Pi stayed in silence, breathing heavily, calming himself. For a while, he glanced towards Kazuya and just realized how broken the younger one was. His hands were shaking, with face so pale, and eyes which started to get teary. Pi, once again, took a deep breath and went towards the CD shelf. He stared at it for a moment, began to find the right track, and then suddenly pressed the play button.
“Just listen, okay?” He assisted Kazuya back to the sofa, and hugged him. Song which he chose was the best one for that opportunity. Jin’s Care could change everything. He knew that this song was the one Jin dedicated for Kazuya, and it was their song. That song says everything about Jin’s love for younger one.
They kept in silence even to the very end of the song. Pi returned it, and watched Kazuya’s face. The younger one was sitting in shock, with moistened bloodshot eyes. Pi didn’t do or say anything anymore, he just hugged him tight. He just could be with Kazuya in that moment, frozen in time. Just that, nothing more, and he knew that it was working.
Kazuya closed his eyes. That voice… he can’t imagine why he wasn’t able to discover this song before. He didn’t listen to music which was there. He was the singer for God sake, and he didn’t listen to all those musing at the back of his head, and now… that song brings him memories, so many precious memories about his once dear love.
***
Kazuya was sitting on the chair, with his hands crossed on the chest. He was really nervous. His parents tried to convince him, that he is suitable to be admitted to this talent agency, but deep inside, he wasn’t sure. He even didn’t think about talent agency. He just wanted to play baseball, which he loved, but now he was sitting in the there, waiting for his turn. There were so many children, boys, who wanted to win their chance for a better life. Yes, that was what he thought. This talent agency was a place full of stars. They’re could do what they wanted and they got what they wanted, so in turn, he wanted to get this chance as well, ‘cause he didn’t like the feeling of losing. He knew what he had to do. His mother practiced him at home and that was what he always does. He practiced and practiced all the way, and that’s why he was so nervous. Also because he knew that he didn’t have any talent. Everything he got was thanks to hard work and determination. Nothing more. It was his way. His own way.
Kazuya closed his eyes, and opened it suddenly when he felt something on his knees. He blinked a few times, but the young boy did not disappear. He was still on his knees, and he smiled to him happily.
“Don’t be so sad! I’m sure you win among all those kids,” a stranger was talking to him, like they’re friends. Kazuya was unsure and didn’t know what to do, so he just smiled to the other one a little. “You have a pretty smile!” He was surprised a bit when the guy poked his cheek, “I’m Jin,” he introduced himself, showing a badge with his full name. A badge which every kid has inside this room, all hoping to pass the auditions, “Jin Akanishi, nice to meet you, Kazuya,” and the boy laughed happily.
“Nice to meet you too” Kazuya smiled widely. He didn’t know why, but that boy gave him courage to fight. He showed him how to relax, and Kazuya was a bit less nervous when they called him out. He smiled to Jin, who showed that he kept his finger crossed. With that brightened smile, Kazuya confidently entered the room full of judges, and a few minutes later, he was in. He survived the auditions; he won the competition, thanks to Jin.
***
“Are you kidding me?!” Jin furiously pushed Kazuya on the wall, put his hands on Kazuya’s wrists, and squeezed them tight. Kame grimaced with a pain. “Are you fucking kidding me?! You promise! We both promised we will debut together! And now… you’re doing this on your own! Moreover, you went here with that fucking, angelic, apologetic smile, and you think that I will forgive you just like this?!”
“Jin, I didn’t have another choice. You know that…” whispered younger one. It wasn’t the first time, when Jin got angry at him. That happened often. He usually kept his anger, and eventually it’ll fade away. Kazuya wasn’t mad because of that. He knew that the time when Jin calms down, he will feel like a shit, and then Kazuya was the one, who had taken his revenge. Usually, he wasn’t able to yell at Jin, but he was doing something worse. He wasn’t talking to him, because he of his mighty pride - he wanted Jin to apologize.
“Right! You don’t have another chance…and I’m the fucking Mickey Mouse! Tell me Kamenashi, who was the one, who was always talking about our dreams?! Who was the one, who’s always talking that bullshit, like the words “don’t give up”?! And finally who was the one, who always talk about debuting together?!”
Jin was so close to him. Kazuya could felt his hot breath on his face, so he closed his eyes, tried to gather his thoughts together. Then what happened next, was unpredictable. Nobody expected that it would be the younger one, who would do the first step. Kazuya just wanted to shut Jin up. He didn’t want to hear another bad word, and so on, that’s why he kissed Jin’s lips gently. He felt the warmth, which spilled all over his body. He realized that he felt something more to Jin. It wasn’t friendship anymore. He felt that as the other closed their distance. So close that even air couldn’t separate them. He wanted to be only his. He wanted that kiss to last forever, but then the older one broke the kiss, and looked at him with surprised expression on his face.
“What was that?”
”An apology?”
”I see…” Jin smiled to him widely and hugged Kazuya tight. “Then do it once again, because I’m still mad at you, Kazu,” he whispered to his ear, kissing it slightly. “I’d love your way of apologizing,” he said as he smiled to the younger one.
***
”We did it! We did it! We did it Jin!” Kazuya jumped on Jin’s back, and hugged him tight. “We did it!” He repeated it once again with excitement. Yes, finally they debuted. KAT-TUN was official now. They were a group, and they had their own single, music video, and even own concerts. That’s what they all dreamt about, and now they knew, that every dream may come true. Every single dream. It’s just all up to them on how they would make it all possible, “We did it,” he mouthed. That single statement was all Kazuya could say now and Jin, smiling, entered the dressing room.
“Yeah, we’re the best,” he laughed and took Kazuya back to the floor, “and now, you can do what you promised.” He stroked his cheek, with that warm smile, which the younger one loved so much, and there was nothing said. Kazuya took his hands around Jin’s neck, and smiled to him widely, then he kissed him on his lips.
“We did it, and like I’d promise… I’m officially yours now,” Kazuya laughed to the other and kissed his lips, cheeks and neck. He never gets tired with that. He always find something new with Jin. There always was this something to be discovered and because of that, Kazuya loved Jin more and more with days, which passed.
***
Kazuya woke up with that bad feeling in his chest, looking for Jin in his apartment, but there weren’t any traces of him anymore. That was the fifth night without Jin in his home. Without Jin in his life. Without Jin in Japan. He was in America, because he wanted to study there. To study English, to fulfill his own dream, to go there to be singer, and Kazuya accepted that. He wanted everything for his boyfriend, what’s the best for him. If he wanted to study there, Kazuya wasn’t the type of person who could stop him.
But… yeah, always there was that but Kazuya felt lonely. Really lonely. He listened to Jin’s songs over and over again and he could no longer pretend that it’s nothing to him, because that’s not what he truly feels. He was hurt. Hurt like hell. All he wanted was Jin to come back, but he never told that to his boyfriend. He was always there for him, to support him.
He sighed deeply, and dragged up, tried to smile properly. He didn’t want to worry his band mates. They have their own worries as well. Thinking that, Kazuya left his bedroom with a hint of disappointed. He knew that he must eat something, but in contradiction, his mind didn’t want to. In the end, he settled just for a cup of coffee, sat in the living room, and watched some news. While he was drinking his coffee, the phone rang. Kazuya immediately pick it up, because he was afraid that he might forget some activities.
“Kazu-chan, I miss you!!!” He heard on the other side of the phone, “America is horrible. There is nothing to eat. Everything is so faded. I want eat your ramen!”
“Baka…” Kazuya can’t do anything, but he felt relieved, and a big smile formed on his face.
“You’re smiling, aren’t you?”
“No, Jin. I’m not.”
“Yes, you are!” Jin laughed happily, “Love you, smile to me always Kazu!”
“I’ll do, I promise,” answered Kazu, still smiling to himself. He was smiling stupidly, but he can do nothing. Jin’s phone gave him new power to work, to live.
“I’m going now. Remember, smile to me always. I love you.”
“I love you too and miss you so much,” he whispered, and as he switch the call off, a new power went running to his system to do best with work. Since then, he was smiling every single day that passes. He can do this, because he did it for Jin.
***
Kazuya opened his eyes and looked at Pi blankly. He didn’t cry. He can’t cry. He promised, right? He promised his Jin that he would smile always for him. His memories were all coming back, and his head was full of overwhelming feelings and memoirs of the past. Their past. His head started to hurt so much, but he didn’t care. He curiously wanted to know more and more. He doesn’t want to be like what he was for the past saddening months. He wanted to know everything; the truth. He tried to smile to his friend and Pi just hugged him once again.
He closed his eyes again. It was easier for him. It was the easier way to bring memories back. He loved his precious memories. Not all of them were good, but even those bad ones were precious for him. It shows him how complicated their relationship was, and how they’re in love each other so.
***
“But you love me, right? Then you’ll be waiting for me forever,” they were sitting in the car on the way home. Jin was driving, and they were quarrelling. Somehow, Kazuya was desperate. He didn’t want to be treated like a toy, so he tried to change it.
“I don’t know,” he whispered as he tried to speak with confidence, but deep within, he knew that he failed to do so.
“You what?!” Jin braked sharply; seatbelt stuck in Kazuya’s chest. He couldn’t breathe for a moment. The car stopped, and Jin’s furious eyes were now glaring at him.
“I don’t know, if I love you,” Kazuya repeated slowly and hesitantly. He knew that this wasn’t true, but he had enough. He smiled every, fucking, single day. He tried to be the best boyfriend for Jin, and the other just treated him like a shit. Everything was more important than him, so he had had enough. He didn’t wish for more. Just a little attention from Jin, and that’s enough to make him happy. Nothing more but some kisses, little talks, and he wanted his lover not to be late anymore. “I don’t know Jin, it’s because you treat me like a toy.”
“I do what?” Jin burst out laughing and looked at him with a serious look, “Yeah, sure.” He raised his eyebrow a bit. “What’s your problem, Kamenashi,” he asked with that stupid, ironic smile on his face. That smile…the smile which Kazuya wanted to erase. He wanted it so badly, but he can’t. He knew that he failed. Again, like always.
“You’re my problem, Akanishi! You, fucking idiot! I hate you, and I love you! And then I hate you even more, because of that!” Kazuya let his feelings out. He hid it too much, and just that, it exploded all of a sudden. He wanted to be with Jin. With his Jin, but not that idiot, just his lovely boyfriend. He wanted to tell something more, but when he lifted his head, his lips met Jin’s. Slowly, his boyfriend hugged him tight, and planted kisses gently on his lips, and then he saw the other car which felt into skid. He wanted to warn Jin, but he saw that the older one already saw it too.
“I love you, Kazu,” Jin whispered to the younger’s ear, “I’ll always love you, and I’m so sorry.”
Kazuya wanted to scream, wanted to do something to rescue them from the trap, but he can’t. All he can hear was his heartbeats which produced loud noises and then nothing more.
***
Kame opened his eyes and looked at Pi. He felt pearls of tears forming in his eyes, but he quickly held them back. Then he bit his lip a bit and took a deep breath.
“He died…” he whispered.
“Yes, indeed.”
“I wanted to see him… I wanted to visit him,” he whispered once again. He didn’t have much strength to move, so Pi nodded a bit.
“I’ll go with you,” he promised and hugged him tight. “Not today, but tomorrow. You look really pale. You should rest a bit, and I promise I won’t go anywhere. I’ll be here, okay?”
Kazuya just nodded, and Pi took him to his bed, laid back together with him, and tried to replace Jin just for a while. He knew that this was impracticable, but he must try. Kazuya was his dear friend and he cannot disregard the fact the he promised Jin one thing: to take care of him, when he won’t be ale to.
Pairing: Akame, Kamepi (later)
Author:mouter
Beta: nikattun
Genre: a bit angst, drama
Rating: none
Summary: Kazuya had an accident and he lost part of his memories.
A/N: I want dedicate this fic to My lovely Hugging Monster (karilly ) for make me smile and giving power to life. You're incredible women, dear! Don't you dare thinking in another way!
Kazuya was sitting on the sofa, watching his friend who looked pale and lost. He wasn’t able to talk properly, he admitted to himself, so he just drank his warm coffee in silence. He didn’t know what to talk about with him as they sat in silence, or what possible topic should they talk about. But then, he remembered that Pi isn’t even close to him. Pi was rather closed to his own world, in his own dreamy personality. For somehow, he felt it was true, but deep within, he’s not quite sure of his assumptions.
Kazuya shook his head, and smiled modestly while looking at Pi. Surely this time, life is giving him a one chance of a lifetime to know more about this mysterious person, such person that drives him crazy. He wanted so much to understand him and to find out who he really is, yet he can’t seem to find courage. A dream is just a dream, Kazuya. Nothing more, nothing less. Yet when he looked at Pi, all those thoughts just fade away. I wanted to talk to him about anything under the sun. Please say anything, Pi. Anything would be fine, rather than being this silent with you.
“Say, how would you manage to live in that room after what happened?”
Kazuya sighed with relief when he heard the question from the other. Of course, he didn’t know what Pi had in his mind, but it was better that he asked him, rather than staying in the deafening silence between them. In his innermost thoughts, he’s smiling. Then, he shrugged his arms and pursed his lips.
“Why would you ask me such things,” Kazuya replied with a question, “you know, the way you said it, it’s a little scary and cold.”
“I see,” Pi wasn’t surprised, so Kazuya sighed with relief once again. But now, Kazuya was sure and certain that there was something else - something the other manages to hide from him. Gradually, he’s starting to be afraid... Before, his friends tried to hide something from him, something which probably could hurt him. He didn’t like that feeling because, all the more, he doesn’t even have a clue of what they are thinking about him. Then Pi interrupted his thoughts. “Why don’t you change apartments?”
“I don’t want to,” Kazuya smiled to him gently. “Well, there is this something I want to remember and cherish. I admit, that feeling I’m feeling right now could only be here. I can’t explain why, but that feeling is precious to me, Pi. I don’t want to change rooms, and I’m pretty sure it’s obvious,” he explained further, and started to laugh all of a sudden when he realized what he was talking about. Nevertheless, he was sure that the other didn’t understand it at all. “Pi-chan… tell me, am I crazy?”
“No Kazu, you’re not crazy,” Pi smiled to him gently, “you’re just a bit lost… and unusual, like always.” He laughed happily, then hugged the younger one as he whispered, “It’s okay, Kazu. There’s no need to be that strong, after what just happened. You can cry if you want, actually. Nobody would attempt to laugh, that’s sure.”
“I don’t want to cry,” Kazuya whispered, not letting go of the other in his arms, “I cried too much to cry again. I think, right now, I wouldn’t be able to produce even a single tear.”
“I see… it must be hard to you, after Jin’s death. I’m sorry Kame-chan. I wasn’t there, but I know that I should be in the first place. I should be there for you. Jin was my best friend after all and you… I left you with that alone,” he hugged Kazuya tightly, and closed his eyes. Beads of moisture fell down from his eyes. Then, Kazuya, too, closed his eyes for a while and pushed the other away with eyes so dark and serious.
“Jin?”
“Yes, you know…Akanishi Jin. The A from KAT-TUN, from your band,” Pi explained to the younger man in front of him with disbelief on his face, “Kazuya, are you making fun of me?”
With surprised face, he replied, “Akanishi? Koki told me, that he’s my enemy, and he went away.” Kame shook his head and shrugged arms again. He didn’t know what Pi was talking about, “He was just my enemy…well, it’s okay, that I don’t feel guilty of his death, right?”
“Kamenashi! What the hell are you talking about?!” Anger starts to rise up on Pi’s system as he clenched his fists hard and furiously walk back and forth. “Jin was your lover, your boyfriend. You loved him! You loved him, Kazuya! And he loved you, too! You two were already inseparable since childhood. He was your band mate, friend and lover. How could you forget about him?! About such important thing, for Chrissakes?!” Pi grabbed Kazuya and looked directly in the eye with furious features. “Say something,” he ordered Kazuya.
“Pi-chan… I… I don’t know,” he pushed Pi away, and unconsciously bit his lip, “you’re talking about such things… but I… I just don’t remember all of it. Well, sometimes I do have dreams, okay? I know that I’ve lost something, someone…but I didn’t know who that person was! And nobody wanted to tell me! All the time, they would say that these are all dreams, and there is nothing to worry about! But there is something…in this house! I’m scared, Pi! I don’t want to be alone! I have that feeling that his home…this home just tried to remember me about something special!” Kazuya became furious, anxious to his thoughts and feelings. He was holding these feelings for too long, and now it’s like a waterfall, pouring every single bit, every single element of it, without someone or something to even prevent it from falling, “I don’t know who I am anymore! I don’t know who this person was! All I know is that, he was important to me…he was always with me. I wanted to know everything about him, but I can’t see his face, even if I wanted to. I can’t even remember his name! Yet, I remember his voice, a voice far away in my weak memory. But at times, I can’t hear his voice, because of this damn memory loss! And then now, I don’t even know why are you so mad at me!”
Silence. After Kazuya had let it all out, Pi stayed in silence, breathing heavily, calming himself. For a while, he glanced towards Kazuya and just realized how broken the younger one was. His hands were shaking, with face so pale, and eyes which started to get teary. Pi, once again, took a deep breath and went towards the CD shelf. He stared at it for a moment, began to find the right track, and then suddenly pressed the play button.
“Just listen, okay?” He assisted Kazuya back to the sofa, and hugged him. Song which he chose was the best one for that opportunity. Jin’s Care could change everything. He knew that this song was the one Jin dedicated for Kazuya, and it was their song. That song says everything about Jin’s love for younger one.
They kept in silence even to the very end of the song. Pi returned it, and watched Kazuya’s face. The younger one was sitting in shock, with moistened bloodshot eyes. Pi didn’t do or say anything anymore, he just hugged him tight. He just could be with Kazuya in that moment, frozen in time. Just that, nothing more, and he knew that it was working.
Kazuya closed his eyes. That voice… he can’t imagine why he wasn’t able to discover this song before. He didn’t listen to music which was there. He was the singer for God sake, and he didn’t listen to all those musing at the back of his head, and now… that song brings him memories, so many precious memories about his once dear love.
***
Kazuya was sitting on the chair, with his hands crossed on the chest. He was really nervous. His parents tried to convince him, that he is suitable to be admitted to this talent agency, but deep inside, he wasn’t sure. He even didn’t think about talent agency. He just wanted to play baseball, which he loved, but now he was sitting in the there, waiting for his turn. There were so many children, boys, who wanted to win their chance for a better life. Yes, that was what he thought. This talent agency was a place full of stars. They’re could do what they wanted and they got what they wanted, so in turn, he wanted to get this chance as well, ‘cause he didn’t like the feeling of losing. He knew what he had to do. His mother practiced him at home and that was what he always does. He practiced and practiced all the way, and that’s why he was so nervous. Also because he knew that he didn’t have any talent. Everything he got was thanks to hard work and determination. Nothing more. It was his way. His own way.
Kazuya closed his eyes, and opened it suddenly when he felt something on his knees. He blinked a few times, but the young boy did not disappear. He was still on his knees, and he smiled to him happily.
“Don’t be so sad! I’m sure you win among all those kids,” a stranger was talking to him, like they’re friends. Kazuya was unsure and didn’t know what to do, so he just smiled to the other one a little. “You have a pretty smile!” He was surprised a bit when the guy poked his cheek, “I’m Jin,” he introduced himself, showing a badge with his full name. A badge which every kid has inside this room, all hoping to pass the auditions, “Jin Akanishi, nice to meet you, Kazuya,” and the boy laughed happily.
“Nice to meet you too” Kazuya smiled widely. He didn’t know why, but that boy gave him courage to fight. He showed him how to relax, and Kazuya was a bit less nervous when they called him out. He smiled to Jin, who showed that he kept his finger crossed. With that brightened smile, Kazuya confidently entered the room full of judges, and a few minutes later, he was in. He survived the auditions; he won the competition, thanks to Jin.
***
“Are you kidding me?!” Jin furiously pushed Kazuya on the wall, put his hands on Kazuya’s wrists, and squeezed them tight. Kame grimaced with a pain. “Are you fucking kidding me?! You promise! We both promised we will debut together! And now… you’re doing this on your own! Moreover, you went here with that fucking, angelic, apologetic smile, and you think that I will forgive you just like this?!”
“Jin, I didn’t have another choice. You know that…” whispered younger one. It wasn’t the first time, when Jin got angry at him. That happened often. He usually kept his anger, and eventually it’ll fade away. Kazuya wasn’t mad because of that. He knew that the time when Jin calms down, he will feel like a shit, and then Kazuya was the one, who had taken his revenge. Usually, he wasn’t able to yell at Jin, but he was doing something worse. He wasn’t talking to him, because he of his mighty pride - he wanted Jin to apologize.
“Right! You don’t have another chance…and I’m the fucking Mickey Mouse! Tell me Kamenashi, who was the one, who was always talking about our dreams?! Who was the one, who’s always talking that bullshit, like the words “don’t give up”?! And finally who was the one, who always talk about debuting together?!”
Jin was so close to him. Kazuya could felt his hot breath on his face, so he closed his eyes, tried to gather his thoughts together. Then what happened next, was unpredictable. Nobody expected that it would be the younger one, who would do the first step. Kazuya just wanted to shut Jin up. He didn’t want to hear another bad word, and so on, that’s why he kissed Jin’s lips gently. He felt the warmth, which spilled all over his body. He realized that he felt something more to Jin. It wasn’t friendship anymore. He felt that as the other closed their distance. So close that even air couldn’t separate them. He wanted to be only his. He wanted that kiss to last forever, but then the older one broke the kiss, and looked at him with surprised expression on his face.
“What was that?”
”An apology?”
”I see…” Jin smiled to him widely and hugged Kazuya tight. “Then do it once again, because I’m still mad at you, Kazu,” he whispered to his ear, kissing it slightly. “I’d love your way of apologizing,” he said as he smiled to the younger one.
***
”We did it! We did it! We did it Jin!” Kazuya jumped on Jin’s back, and hugged him tight. “We did it!” He repeated it once again with excitement. Yes, finally they debuted. KAT-TUN was official now. They were a group, and they had their own single, music video, and even own concerts. That’s what they all dreamt about, and now they knew, that every dream may come true. Every single dream. It’s just all up to them on how they would make it all possible, “We did it,” he mouthed. That single statement was all Kazuya could say now and Jin, smiling, entered the dressing room.
“Yeah, we’re the best,” he laughed and took Kazuya back to the floor, “and now, you can do what you promised.” He stroked his cheek, with that warm smile, which the younger one loved so much, and there was nothing said. Kazuya took his hands around Jin’s neck, and smiled to him widely, then he kissed him on his lips.
“We did it, and like I’d promise… I’m officially yours now,” Kazuya laughed to the other and kissed his lips, cheeks and neck. He never gets tired with that. He always find something new with Jin. There always was this something to be discovered and because of that, Kazuya loved Jin more and more with days, which passed.
***
Kazuya woke up with that bad feeling in his chest, looking for Jin in his apartment, but there weren’t any traces of him anymore. That was the fifth night without Jin in his home. Without Jin in his life. Without Jin in Japan. He was in America, because he wanted to study there. To study English, to fulfill his own dream, to go there to be singer, and Kazuya accepted that. He wanted everything for his boyfriend, what’s the best for him. If he wanted to study there, Kazuya wasn’t the type of person who could stop him.
But… yeah, always there was that but Kazuya felt lonely. Really lonely. He listened to Jin’s songs over and over again and he could no longer pretend that it’s nothing to him, because that’s not what he truly feels. He was hurt. Hurt like hell. All he wanted was Jin to come back, but he never told that to his boyfriend. He was always there for him, to support him.
He sighed deeply, and dragged up, tried to smile properly. He didn’t want to worry his band mates. They have their own worries as well. Thinking that, Kazuya left his bedroom with a hint of disappointed. He knew that he must eat something, but in contradiction, his mind didn’t want to. In the end, he settled just for a cup of coffee, sat in the living room, and watched some news. While he was drinking his coffee, the phone rang. Kazuya immediately pick it up, because he was afraid that he might forget some activities.
“Kazu-chan, I miss you!!!” He heard on the other side of the phone, “America is horrible. There is nothing to eat. Everything is so faded. I want eat your ramen!”
“Baka…” Kazuya can’t do anything, but he felt relieved, and a big smile formed on his face.
“You’re smiling, aren’t you?”
“No, Jin. I’m not.”
“Yes, you are!” Jin laughed happily, “Love you, smile to me always Kazu!”
“I’ll do, I promise,” answered Kazu, still smiling to himself. He was smiling stupidly, but he can do nothing. Jin’s phone gave him new power to work, to live.
“I’m going now. Remember, smile to me always. I love you.”
“I love you too and miss you so much,” he whispered, and as he switch the call off, a new power went running to his system to do best with work. Since then, he was smiling every single day that passes. He can do this, because he did it for Jin.
***
Kazuya opened his eyes and looked at Pi blankly. He didn’t cry. He can’t cry. He promised, right? He promised his Jin that he would smile always for him. His memories were all coming back, and his head was full of overwhelming feelings and memoirs of the past. Their past. His head started to hurt so much, but he didn’t care. He curiously wanted to know more and more. He doesn’t want to be like what he was for the past saddening months. He wanted to know everything; the truth. He tried to smile to his friend and Pi just hugged him once again.
He closed his eyes again. It was easier for him. It was the easier way to bring memories back. He loved his precious memories. Not all of them were good, but even those bad ones were precious for him. It shows him how complicated their relationship was, and how they’re in love each other so.
***
“But you love me, right? Then you’ll be waiting for me forever,” they were sitting in the car on the way home. Jin was driving, and they were quarrelling. Somehow, Kazuya was desperate. He didn’t want to be treated like a toy, so he tried to change it.
“I don’t know,” he whispered as he tried to speak with confidence, but deep within, he knew that he failed to do so.
“You what?!” Jin braked sharply; seatbelt stuck in Kazuya’s chest. He couldn’t breathe for a moment. The car stopped, and Jin’s furious eyes were now glaring at him.
“I don’t know, if I love you,” Kazuya repeated slowly and hesitantly. He knew that this wasn’t true, but he had enough. He smiled every, fucking, single day. He tried to be the best boyfriend for Jin, and the other just treated him like a shit. Everything was more important than him, so he had had enough. He didn’t wish for more. Just a little attention from Jin, and that’s enough to make him happy. Nothing more but some kisses, little talks, and he wanted his lover not to be late anymore. “I don’t know Jin, it’s because you treat me like a toy.”
“I do what?” Jin burst out laughing and looked at him with a serious look, “Yeah, sure.” He raised his eyebrow a bit. “What’s your problem, Kamenashi,” he asked with that stupid, ironic smile on his face. That smile…the smile which Kazuya wanted to erase. He wanted it so badly, but he can’t. He knew that he failed. Again, like always.
“You’re my problem, Akanishi! You, fucking idiot! I hate you, and I love you! And then I hate you even more, because of that!” Kazuya let his feelings out. He hid it too much, and just that, it exploded all of a sudden. He wanted to be with Jin. With his Jin, but not that idiot, just his lovely boyfriend. He wanted to tell something more, but when he lifted his head, his lips met Jin’s. Slowly, his boyfriend hugged him tight, and planted kisses gently on his lips, and then he saw the other car which felt into skid. He wanted to warn Jin, but he saw that the older one already saw it too.
“I love you, Kazu,” Jin whispered to the younger’s ear, “I’ll always love you, and I’m so sorry.”
Kazuya wanted to scream, wanted to do something to rescue them from the trap, but he can’t. All he can hear was his heartbeats which produced loud noises and then nothing more.
***
Kame opened his eyes and looked at Pi. He felt pearls of tears forming in his eyes, but he quickly held them back. Then he bit his lip a bit and took a deep breath.
“He died…” he whispered.
“Yes, indeed.”
“I wanted to see him… I wanted to visit him,” he whispered once again. He didn’t have much strength to move, so Pi nodded a bit.
“I’ll go with you,” he promised and hugged him tight. “Not today, but tomorrow. You look really pale. You should rest a bit, and I promise I won’t go anywhere. I’ll be here, okay?”
Kazuya just nodded, and Pi took him to his bed, laid back together with him, and tried to replace Jin just for a while. He knew that this was impracticable, but he must try. Kazuya was his dear friend and he cannot disregard the fact the he promised Jin one thing: to take care of him, when he won’t be ale to.