What even is a thought, anyway?
I am going to bed early (ish) tonight. I went to bed quite late last night due to Mage, but the nap I had beforehand seems to have really helped to mitigate any tiredness today. I'm still a little tired because going to bed very late results in less good sleep, but it's not as bad as if I tried to "power through" the whole day without a nap.
I am trying to do some "thought work" based on the podcast I've been listening to/the website associated with it, and it's a bit of a slog. I am apparently very attached to many of my negative thoughts, and some of what the coach on said podcast says just doesn't quite jive with me. A lot of it does, on a theoretical level: the idea that thoughts create feelings and that ultimately I have control over my thoughts makes a certain amount of sense. Now, I've also dealt with super intrusive thoughts for the past 20 years that have more to do with mental illness than anything else, and so it's an interesting exercise for me, because while I can't really control those thoughts, I no longer react to them the way I used to. It's like the intrusive thoughts are actually some annoying dude named Bill who randomly pops up and says mean shit to me, and these days I just kind of roll my eyes "Oh, there's Bill again, telling me I should die," like Bill is some kind of internet troll, and Bill therefore has no real impact on my day to day existence.
Where I've been having more trouble is the idea that other people can't control your feelings, because really your feelings are only about your thoughts. And... okay. On the surface of it, yes, I can agree with it. If a person tells me, I don't know, "You're a fat ugly cow!" then the reason my feelings get hurt is because I let myself believe the thought that their sentence has triggered. "Oh God, I *am* a fat ugly cow!" or "What the hell, that is such a rude thing to say, how dare they!" and then I am sad or angry or whatever other emotion happens. The podcast host's basic premise is that the only reason you get upset about what other people say or do is because you're not managing your mind/your thoughts.
I am tripping up on the logical extension of that reasoning, or at least the extension that's happening in my brain with that reasoning. If ultimately no one can make you feel bad except for you, it means that there is no such thing as bad behaviour. If someone abuses me emotionally, I'm not really being abused, I'm just not managing my mind properly. If my boss yells at me every day, or constantly tells me I'm incompetent, or makes suggestive remarks about my body, I should feel fine about it just so long as I manage my own thoughts. I'm sure this isn't what the podcast host is trying to say, but her whole "there is no such thing as gaslighting" stance because no one can control your mind has really been bothering me. Like, if a person threatens me with violence, I am going to feel frightened, and that seems like a normal reaction to an outside threat, even if the feeling results from the thought of "this person is very likely going to hurt me." Sure, theoretically it's my thought that caused the emotion, but I can guaran-damn-tee you that I would not have had the thought at all if said person hadn't uttered a threat. Surely there is some responsibility to be held by the other party?
I don't know how to reconcile in my mind the very real benefit of doing thought work with something that just... feels wrong, without my being able to quite put my finger on why it's wrong, exactly.
I am not going anywhere in particular with this. Just noting an area in which I'm having difficulty. I love the idea of being more aware of my thoughts and how they're affecting my emotions, and thereby getting a better handle on my day to day existence, especially at work. I struggle with impostor syndrome a LOT, and I tend to internally panic and flail at the drop of a hat, and although I am much, much better than I used to be, I still feel that I can do some good work on myself in this regard. I am just really resisting some of the ideas in this podcast, and I can't tell if I'm resisting because I just don't want it to be true, or if it's because it's objectively not true.
This entry was originally posted at https://mousme.dreamwidth.org/1462724.html, where there are currently
comments. Feel free to comment wherever you'd like!
I am trying to do some "thought work" based on the podcast I've been listening to/the website associated with it, and it's a bit of a slog. I am apparently very attached to many of my negative thoughts, and some of what the coach on said podcast says just doesn't quite jive with me. A lot of it does, on a theoretical level: the idea that thoughts create feelings and that ultimately I have control over my thoughts makes a certain amount of sense. Now, I've also dealt with super intrusive thoughts for the past 20 years that have more to do with mental illness than anything else, and so it's an interesting exercise for me, because while I can't really control those thoughts, I no longer react to them the way I used to. It's like the intrusive thoughts are actually some annoying dude named Bill who randomly pops up and says mean shit to me, and these days I just kind of roll my eyes "Oh, there's Bill again, telling me I should die," like Bill is some kind of internet troll, and Bill therefore has no real impact on my day to day existence.
Where I've been having more trouble is the idea that other people can't control your feelings, because really your feelings are only about your thoughts. And... okay. On the surface of it, yes, I can agree with it. If a person tells me, I don't know, "You're a fat ugly cow!" then the reason my feelings get hurt is because I let myself believe the thought that their sentence has triggered. "Oh God, I *am* a fat ugly cow!" or "What the hell, that is such a rude thing to say, how dare they!" and then I am sad or angry or whatever other emotion happens. The podcast host's basic premise is that the only reason you get upset about what other people say or do is because you're not managing your mind/your thoughts.
I am tripping up on the logical extension of that reasoning, or at least the extension that's happening in my brain with that reasoning. If ultimately no one can make you feel bad except for you, it means that there is no such thing as bad behaviour. If someone abuses me emotionally, I'm not really being abused, I'm just not managing my mind properly. If my boss yells at me every day, or constantly tells me I'm incompetent, or makes suggestive remarks about my body, I should feel fine about it just so long as I manage my own thoughts. I'm sure this isn't what the podcast host is trying to say, but her whole "there is no such thing as gaslighting" stance because no one can control your mind has really been bothering me. Like, if a person threatens me with violence, I am going to feel frightened, and that seems like a normal reaction to an outside threat, even if the feeling results from the thought of "this person is very likely going to hurt me." Sure, theoretically it's my thought that caused the emotion, but I can guaran-damn-tee you that I would not have had the thought at all if said person hadn't uttered a threat. Surely there is some responsibility to be held by the other party?
I don't know how to reconcile in my mind the very real benefit of doing thought work with something that just... feels wrong, without my being able to quite put my finger on why it's wrong, exactly.
I am not going anywhere in particular with this. Just noting an area in which I'm having difficulty. I love the idea of being more aware of my thoughts and how they're affecting my emotions, and thereby getting a better handle on my day to day existence, especially at work. I struggle with impostor syndrome a LOT, and I tend to internally panic and flail at the drop of a hat, and although I am much, much better than I used to be, I still feel that I can do some good work on myself in this regard. I am just really resisting some of the ideas in this podcast, and I can't tell if I'm resisting because I just don't want it to be true, or if it's because it's objectively not true.
This entry was originally posted at https://mousme.dreamwidth.org/1462724.html, where there are currently
comments. Feel free to comment wherever you'd like!