The road to hell...
So, yeah, I really should found that company called "Good Intentions Asphalt and Cement."
I keep telling myself I should update more, and then more life stuff happens, and then I get overwhelmed with how much I'd have to write to get everyone up to speed, and so I just... don't post. Not my most shining moments, let me tell you.
Overall, things are good. The new meds are helping, but I've discovered that my energy levels dropped by a considerable margin once I went back on shift. So, it turns out that working shifts is really not good for my overall health. I had thought that the meds were really helping with my energy levels, but really they're only helping with the anxiety, and what was helping my energy levels was having a stable sleeping pattern in which I mostly went to bed at the same time (at night!) and getting up at the same time (in the morning!).
All the more reason for me to get out and find a job that will let me work hours that allow me to get up when the sun comes up, and get out of work when the sun is still shining. Right now, I always, always, go to work before the sun is up (or after the sun has gone down), and during a precious few moments in the summer I get to see the sun on my way home. Many days in the summer I have to sleep through the sunny hours, too, which means I perennially look drawn and as though someone has punched me in the face. Before he left, one of my coworkers asked me a couple of times if I had a black eye, and I had to reply with some asperity that no, that was just what I looked like when I was tired.
(Speaking of that coworker, another one told me as if it was nothing that the aforementioned coworker was trans. It was locker room gossip, of course, but still, I read him the riot act about outing someone without their consent. I was livid. Luckily, this guy is the type to actually listen when I flip my lid about issues like this. He apologized, and said he would no longer spread gossip of that nature, whether it was true or not. So, at least he learns.)
In other news, I've been running! I started out with walking when I went on burnout leave from work, and then in September I gradually started to run, with a Couch to 5k program (using the Zombies, Run! app, which is my favourite ever). Two weeks ago I ran my first 5k, and I am very proud. I haven't been running in 10 days, for which I feel bad, but there were a lot of night shifts and a couple of pulled muscles that I didn't want to aggravate. I'm planning on another walk tonight. I run at the pace of an arthritic snail, but I still run.
This, and entirely changing my eating habits (more out of economics than anything else: I've stopped going to Tim Horton's and taking shortcuts for my meals), have made me lose weight. Like, a lot of weight. As of right now, I've lost the 50 lbs I'd gained in the past three years since I started this job. I started using my scale again, which honestly terrifies me a bit. I have a LOT of body-image issues (I've been "overweight" since I was 12, and actually fat starting at 19, and never really looked back). I'm still fat, don't get me wrong. The BMI would classify me as obese, but I'm about 25 lbs away from where I usually feel really comfortable in my body (as opposed to the 70 lbs the BMI wants me to lose to be at my "ideal" weight, which honestly would make me look like a victim of starvation). Part of me is super pleased: I've always wanted to be thin, because long ago society taught me that thin=beautiful, and that if I wasn't beautiful, then I was worth nothing. I understand intellectually that this is bullshit, and I don't stand for it in other people, but I appear to have integrated it beautifully into my psyche. I can't look in the mirror and be okay with myself. All I see is a fat girl with a face that's not terrible, but nothing to write home about, either. And that's the problem: I always thought that, because I'm pretty plain, that at least if I were thin, I'd have some sort of worth.
Ridiculous, right? And yet.
Anyway, back to the running. I have discovered that I love-love-love running outdoors. I hate the treadmill, but outdoors brings me joy. So I bought a bunch of winter gear, and I plan on running through the snow and admiring the beautiful city I live in now. Running outdoors is amazing, and while I'd always enjoyed walking outside, running outside is even better. It's exhilarating, and I can't wait to do more of it. :)
Did I tell you my plans of taking dog training courses and eventually opening up my own business? I think I did. Anyway, the first semester is over, and the theory is going really well. The practice? Not so much. We're observing one of the puppy classes (which is going fine), and then doing basic obedience with our own dogs, following the new curriculum. The problem is that poor Sergent's anxiety levels go through the roof when he's in that class. First he has to sit or lie quietly for an hour during the puppy class behind a board so the puppies can't see him, and that stresses him out (because he can hear the high-energy puppies and can't see them and isn't free to move around). By the time obedience class comes around he's a nervous wreck. On several occasions he nearly pulled my shoulder out of its socket trying to get to the exit, poor thing. Of course, when he's that stressed he can't learn, and having him learn is a big part of how I'm being evaluated. So I have no idea if I'm going to pass this class or not. I also need to take Sergent to the vet, because I think the anxiety is making him chew his paws and his side, but I want to make sure it's just that and not a sign of something worse.
If I do pass, I've decided to skip the spring semester and do the fall semester instead. I've found it extremely punishing on my body and my schedule to do these classes, and I could use the break until September. Not to mention the finances. These classes are extremely expensive. In the meantime, I'm going to educate myself on how to start up my own business, and see if it's something I can realistically do.
Anyway, I have to jet to work. See you on the flip side!
I keep telling myself I should update more, and then more life stuff happens, and then I get overwhelmed with how much I'd have to write to get everyone up to speed, and so I just... don't post. Not my most shining moments, let me tell you.
Overall, things are good. The new meds are helping, but I've discovered that my energy levels dropped by a considerable margin once I went back on shift. So, it turns out that working shifts is really not good for my overall health. I had thought that the meds were really helping with my energy levels, but really they're only helping with the anxiety, and what was helping my energy levels was having a stable sleeping pattern in which I mostly went to bed at the same time (at night!) and getting up at the same time (in the morning!).
All the more reason for me to get out and find a job that will let me work hours that allow me to get up when the sun comes up, and get out of work when the sun is still shining. Right now, I always, always, go to work before the sun is up (or after the sun has gone down), and during a precious few moments in the summer I get to see the sun on my way home. Many days in the summer I have to sleep through the sunny hours, too, which means I perennially look drawn and as though someone has punched me in the face. Before he left, one of my coworkers asked me a couple of times if I had a black eye, and I had to reply with some asperity that no, that was just what I looked like when I was tired.
(Speaking of that coworker, another one told me as if it was nothing that the aforementioned coworker was trans. It was locker room gossip, of course, but still, I read him the riot act about outing someone without their consent. I was livid. Luckily, this guy is the type to actually listen when I flip my lid about issues like this. He apologized, and said he would no longer spread gossip of that nature, whether it was true or not. So, at least he learns.)
In other news, I've been running! I started out with walking when I went on burnout leave from work, and then in September I gradually started to run, with a Couch to 5k program (using the Zombies, Run! app, which is my favourite ever). Two weeks ago I ran my first 5k, and I am very proud. I haven't been running in 10 days, for which I feel bad, but there were a lot of night shifts and a couple of pulled muscles that I didn't want to aggravate. I'm planning on another walk tonight. I run at the pace of an arthritic snail, but I still run.
This, and entirely changing my eating habits (more out of economics than anything else: I've stopped going to Tim Horton's and taking shortcuts for my meals), have made me lose weight. Like, a lot of weight. As of right now, I've lost the 50 lbs I'd gained in the past three years since I started this job. I started using my scale again, which honestly terrifies me a bit. I have a LOT of body-image issues (I've been "overweight" since I was 12, and actually fat starting at 19, and never really looked back). I'm still fat, don't get me wrong. The BMI would classify me as obese, but I'm about 25 lbs away from where I usually feel really comfortable in my body (as opposed to the 70 lbs the BMI wants me to lose to be at my "ideal" weight, which honestly would make me look like a victim of starvation). Part of me is super pleased: I've always wanted to be thin, because long ago society taught me that thin=beautiful, and that if I wasn't beautiful, then I was worth nothing. I understand intellectually that this is bullshit, and I don't stand for it in other people, but I appear to have integrated it beautifully into my psyche. I can't look in the mirror and be okay with myself. All I see is a fat girl with a face that's not terrible, but nothing to write home about, either. And that's the problem: I always thought that, because I'm pretty plain, that at least if I were thin, I'd have some sort of worth.
Ridiculous, right? And yet.
Anyway, back to the running. I have discovered that I love-love-love running outdoors. I hate the treadmill, but outdoors brings me joy. So I bought a bunch of winter gear, and I plan on running through the snow and admiring the beautiful city I live in now. Running outdoors is amazing, and while I'd always enjoyed walking outside, running outside is even better. It's exhilarating, and I can't wait to do more of it. :)
Did I tell you my plans of taking dog training courses and eventually opening up my own business? I think I did. Anyway, the first semester is over, and the theory is going really well. The practice? Not so much. We're observing one of the puppy classes (which is going fine), and then doing basic obedience with our own dogs, following the new curriculum. The problem is that poor Sergent's anxiety levels go through the roof when he's in that class. First he has to sit or lie quietly for an hour during the puppy class behind a board so the puppies can't see him, and that stresses him out (because he can hear the high-energy puppies and can't see them and isn't free to move around). By the time obedience class comes around he's a nervous wreck. On several occasions he nearly pulled my shoulder out of its socket trying to get to the exit, poor thing. Of course, when he's that stressed he can't learn, and having him learn is a big part of how I'm being evaluated. So I have no idea if I'm going to pass this class or not. I also need to take Sergent to the vet, because I think the anxiety is making him chew his paws and his side, but I want to make sure it's just that and not a sign of something worse.
If I do pass, I've decided to skip the spring semester and do the fall semester instead. I've found it extremely punishing on my body and my schedule to do these classes, and I could use the break until September. Not to mention the finances. These classes are extremely expensive. In the meantime, I'm going to educate myself on how to start up my own business, and see if it's something I can realistically do.
Anyway, I have to jet to work. See you on the flip side!