I should stop waiting to have something to say in order to post...
Clearly, it's not working for me. I used to post to LJ a million times a day, but that was before Twitter gave me an outlet for all those random thoughts that pop into my head that I feel compelled to share with the world. ;)
So nowadays I wait until I feel I have something of substance to say in order to post here, but let's face it, I rarely have anything of substance to say these days. It's all fleeting thoughts and superficial impressions, all the time!
I'm working my last night shift tonight until next week, just in time to go back to Shepherds of Good Hope in the morning. It turns out that they have some sort of Google Alert on their name, so, uh, HI THERE, SHEPHERDS OF GOOD HOPE MEDIA RELATIONS! *waves awkwardly* I got a wee bit ambushed when I went back last week and the kitchen manager (I'm not sure that's her exact title, but she's the one who manages things around there) opened the door for me in the morning with the greeting: "Are you the one who blogged about volunteering here?"
I was very, very suave and answered: "Uh, maybe?"
It's not that I minded that they read what I'd written, but rather that I wasn't sure if I was the only person nattering about their volunteering experience that week. It turns out that I was. People should blog more, is my takeaway from that.
Also, it felt a little weird, because there was so much other stuff going on in that post. Sure, I write publicly, so I don't mind people seeing it all (all the private stuff is under a friends lock, after all), but I'm accustomed to only my friends' list reading my post, and even then I know the majority of my flist don't read what I post, because I am a long-winded, wordy writer. So suddenly having Complete Strangers ZOMG reading about my plans for adoption and whatever was momentarily disconcerting.
Anyway, onward! I actually have a lot going on that I kind of want to talk about, but don't really know where to begin. There's at once too much and too little to discuss. Many topics, but no actual depth of content. (I won't be talking about volunteering anymore, SoGH Media Relations people, so you can stop reading now unless you're super interested in the minutia of my quotidian activities! <3)
I am facing the really fun problem of having too many things in my life that I want to either start, change, or fix. I made a list yesterday of all those things, and it's depressingly long. Well, the change/fix part is depressing, but the new stuff is actually pretty exciting, as long as I don't dwell too long on how little time, not to mention money, I have for some of these things.
Not all of it requires money, which is fantastic, because I am very strapped these days. It's not that I don't make good money for what I do, because I do. I am very, very lucky. I spent way too many years either unemployed or living on a salary that meant that I was always one emergency away from disaster. I was never in danger of being homeless or anything like that--the privilege of having upper middle class parents who adore me. These days there's very little danger of an emergency really putting me out of my home, but money is tight. I still have four months left of daycare to pay for, and about as much time left before the car is paid off. Rent in Ottawa is a damned fortune, and there were a lot of unexpected and very steep bills right before Christmas. In short, every single penny is going toward paying off bills and other obligations these days. So I've been getting my fun where I can for free, which luckily isn't that difficult if you have a bit of spare time and the luxury of being able to move around on your own recognizance.
I'm not sure how I should go about making all the changes and fixes I need to make. I'm a bit of a walking disaster on a lot of fronts: my overall health and my finances being at the top of that list. I have a plan for the finances, although currently that plan resembles "tread water and hope for the best" until summer.
Mostly what I need is to establish some solid routines in my life. Every single attempt I've made to establish routines has been an abysmal failure. It doesn't matter that having a routine will be good for me, will help to make me healthier, and would be good for Sergent as well (the vet has told me that as regular a routine as possible will be a key tool in managing his ongoing anxiety issues). My physical health is a mess. Menière's Disease aside (which really sucks, let me tell you), I haven't been active in months, my eating patterns are all over the place (yay eating disorders), and there is no way in hell I'll be able to manage a Spartan race in the spring the way I wanted to. Hell, I couldn't even walk five kilometers in my current state, let alone run a freaking obstacle course. I'm very disappointed in myself. (Also, my headspace is shit, but that varies from day to day, based on how tired I am)
I have no idea how to change my (non-existent) routines. Every time I try, I fall flat on my face, metaphorically speaking. Mostly it's because starting that change requires willpower, and mine is for shit. Willpower is like a muscle, and you can develop it and strengthen it, but it only goes so far. No, really, it's science! I figure the main culprit in all this is that I live in a more or less constant state of sleep deprivation and/or jet lag due to my work hours. The routine I would have to follow is to walk Sergent twice a day, get in exercise of my own, eat regularly and healthily (although I am deliberately not tracking anything I eat, nor my weight, and trying not to attach any emotional or moral value to whatever food I choose to put in my mouth, because apparently that makes me crazy), keep the house clean, do all my regular work plus whatever overtime comes my way, and get in all the other projects I want to do, plus see my friends. The thing is, that routine would require me to get up really early each and every day. On my day shifts I get up at 4am, which gives me enough time, theoretically, to get myself up, fed and dressed, the dog walked (although not for very long), both pets fed, and my lunch packed in order for me to be at work by 5:30am. I finish work at 5:30pm and get home by about 6pm (because night shift is almost always late for work, and I have stuff to pass on for the next shift, which always takes a while), which gives me just enough time to walk the dog (again, not for long), have dinner, maybe read or watch one episode of a TV show (I should be writing, but HAH to that) before it's time to go to bed by 8pm in order to repeat the same process the next day. On my night shifts it's the same, only in reverse. I have four complete hours in which to bathe, eat, and get everything else done. Everything else is taken up by sleep and work.
All this to say that, on my days off, I find it impossible to rip myself out of bed any earlier than 8am. The only time I can force myself up is on Mondays when I volunteer, because I have to be there between 7:30am and 8:00am, and because it's an outside obligation, I can manage it. On the days when I'm answerable only to myself, I can't do it. My alarm goes off, and all I do is switch it off, roll over and go back to sleep. Then there's the problem of motivating myself to do everything else I need to do on my days off. I have to do my laundry, clean the house, get the groceries, walk the dog, and only after that can I do all the "extra" stuff I keep promising myself I'll do. To be honest, mostly all that extra stuff doesn't get done, and sometimes the necessary stuff doesn't get done either. I can't seem to muster up the personal discipline to get up at the required 5am (so that I can keep the dog on as regular a schedule as possible) and then spend the rest of the day being productive. Even on the few days I have managed to be up that early I've ended up feeling like a complete zombie by the time noon rolled around. I don't get enough sleep during my night shifts, and on the day of my first night shift I get pretty much no sleep at all.
So, yeah. I need to find a way to get up early every day and get in exercise even though I'm chronically exhausted. In theory, getting up early is a habit, so I'm going to try to exert my non-existent willpower for the next few weeks and get up that early in order to try to get myself on a regular schedule. It will be good for me.
I guess this is my way of making myself publicly accountable. I'm not going to be going to bed tomorrow morning anyway (because I'll be getting home just an hour before I have to leave again), and Tuesday I'm working overtime anyway, so the first real day of this experiment will be Wednesday. In the meantime, though, I'm still going to do my best to stick to the new schedule as closely as possible. It's slightly easier on my work days, because I don't have a choice other than to get up (although I have been criminally lax in getting the dog out for a walk twice a day, which makes me really ashamed. Sergent deserves better than what I'm giving him.).
I think later this week I'll make a more upbeat post with all the new projects I want to do in my copious amounts of spare time. Those are a lot more fun than all this whining about being tired and out of shape and not having enough time or energy to do things. So, an upbeat post to look forward to!
This has been a rambly, long-winded post. Thank you for bearing with me as I basically process everything in my head out loud. ;)