The Truth About Smiling
I learned, somewhere in my high school education, that if you're sad and you force yourself to smile, the act of smiling actually releases endorphins that will make you happier. I've taken that lesson to heart, because smiling is so terribly hard when all you want to do it cry, and recently that's what I've been.
I'm not sure where this horrific depression has spawned from, but I'm done with it. I'm done with it all. I'm done being this person... and it's just time that I left her behind for someone else to be.
They say that addicts have to hit rock bottom to change. Maybe I'm an addict for this life, the way things look to me and feel, but yesterday was my rock bottom. I was off, Red was off... It should have been a nice day together. It wasn't. I spent most of the day in tears, because I felt sad, and then Red had said something about my dad, which we won't go into because it's complicated, and I did it again and then I just didn't want to cry anymore, which made Red angry, because he was just trying to comfort me, and me upset because I couldn't get Red's words out of my fucking head. So I cried most of the day. I could have prevented that if I'd just gotten high when Red told me to... but no... I had to try and be strong, like always... and that failed...
So I'm done. I'm fucking done.
I'll be revamping my personality via force this time. I'm tired of waiting for the world to get better. It's not going to, so I'm going to make it more pleasant for everyone else. I'm not happy about it, at all, but what else am I supposed to do? It's not like my shrink has really helped, recently... there's only so much that talk therapy can do.
My changes include: letting Red dress me, being high whenever around Red (since he likes me better high anyway), Girl Up (diet, stop biting my nails, etc), get some girl friends from... I dunno... I'll make Red find me girl friends... and I will not cry or snap or anything unless I'm completely alone.
It seems drastic, mellow-dramatic, I'm well aware of that, but I've never hated myself more than I do today. Never. I hate me more than I think I've ever hated anyone in my entire life. So it comes down to changing or killing myself, and suicide is on my list of things to do when I turn 26, not on St Patrick's Day when I'm 21. I have plans, sure, but not today. Today I need to fucking change. I need to change everything, become someone that the world would like and just fucking conform. It's just time.
I wish I could put into words what it feels like to hate yourself this much.