i try to say goodbye and i choke

[mousey222]

you know, i really must have something wrong with me. i always give to much and never get anything back. i pick the wrong ones, and the ones i think are right turn out to hurt me in the end like always. i try to play it off like i'm happy, i try to help other people with the same problems. i do this because i feel well if i can't be happy i want someone else to be. i rather help someone and know they've overcome something, or gotten over someone, because well that's my job, or going to be anyway. but me, i can never help myself, i used to keep trying, i used to want to try to get something better. the last time i tried that i thought for once i'd really be happy, but i thought wrong. the one thing that hurts is that probably every time he looked at me he thought of her. i was just something to ease the pain a little, to help get over her, but in the end she creeps back and you fall into that hole. it hurts ya know? to know that. to see everyone else you know happy and finally finding someone who treats them wonderful. i'm not jealous at all, i feel if you deserve it you do get it. it's envious, it's a want, it's knowing it's something i will NEVER have. sad to think i know that now. why do you think i really do give up? because i know i will never get it. i'm not deserving of it, that i know. look at all the stupid shit i've done, how good of a person does that make me? i can't even begin to help others, how the hell can i help myself? the advice i give may not be the best, what experience of everything do i have? i have the experiences of being hurt, of being cheated on, of giving my all on something and getting nothing. i wish someone looked at me the way some guys have looked at other girls. i wish i could have someone care about me that much, but that's not possible. i give up. i give up. i give up. how can he still creep in my mind like this? maybe because when i was with him i felt so safe, when i slept with him i slept like a baby. that night we spent with the dimlit lights, the quiet room, the little buzz we had, it heightened everything, it was perfect. and i don't give a damn that i'm writing this because well it's not like he'll even give 2 shits. to think i was taken on a ride of ecstacy and bliss, and then shot right back down with tears weeks after. the biggest question is what didn't i do? or maybe it's what did i do? all i can do now is sit with tears, because no matter how happy i may seem, i hide it well, i even fucking hide it from myself. no use to burden someone, let alone myself, because there are other things to do. what's a little sacrifice of my own happiness, as long as i can help someone else?

...WHY?...

to think these words are not drunk words, sober words. i am thinking clearly as the tears well up and i wonder, i think from side to side, i'll never begin to understand. so i give up.