everyone here calls me maddie
i've been thinking so much lately. i'm overwhelmed by life. i think i'm vulnerable and everything is affecting me so strongly these days. i don't think chris brought this out of me; it's not because i'm alone now. college has changed me. i understand more now, leaving the bay, coming here... my life is stretched out before my eyes, and i want to reject it. i don't like what i've done, what i've been through. i'm no better now, because that is and was me. you are what you do more than anything else.
this quarter has been hard for me. relationships devastated me this year. i've been thinking about people and their interactions. what everything means, and how often it usually doesn't mean anything.
i'm apprehensive to return to norcal, as much as i want to leave here. i don't know if i can return to all that, knowing what i know now, and seeing myself as i do. i miss the bay area, i miss remembering my memories and the people i made them with. i've spent so much time wanting to return, experience those exact feelings, with the people, at the periods in my life when i was at my happiest. but i just don't like how i feel when i look back anymore.
i drank all summer. i was an alcoholic coming into UCR. i took shots right when i woke up. but i got four write-ups the first week, got put on probation, among other things. i've gone to four parties since school started. i'm alone a lot of the time. i've had so much time to think. and i see the people here and how different they are. i feel like i understand life better. but i don't like what i understand, because it isn't positive. or maybe it's just what it is and i feel like it's negative because i wish it were different, in my little utopia. but i feel like now that i understand, i'll come to terms with it and be fine.
i'd rather just go elsewhere though. returning to the old with my new self. i don't want to accept how much i've changed, or i don't want to realize it upon my return. but i need to leave riverside as well. i think once i go home, whatever may happen, i'll be happier to come back in january.
i'm just trying to sort everything out. i want it all to make sense. i mean, maybe i've been waiting to understand and feel this way since the beginning. maybe this is what i've been waiting for since forever. i can't even wrap my head around the feelings and thoughts, but ideally, i'm getting there. i'm becoming the good person i know, aside from other people, i am. i'm crushed, i don't think i've ever felt so isolated, yet i'm alive and i feel like i'm reaching some pinnacle that's actually worth it. so without trying to be bummed out, i'm going to go home tomorrow and see what lies ahead for me, as optimistically as possible.
i'm hangin in there.
love,
madeleine
this quarter has been hard for me. relationships devastated me this year. i've been thinking about people and their interactions. what everything means, and how often it usually doesn't mean anything.
i'm apprehensive to return to norcal, as much as i want to leave here. i don't know if i can return to all that, knowing what i know now, and seeing myself as i do. i miss the bay area, i miss remembering my memories and the people i made them with. i've spent so much time wanting to return, experience those exact feelings, with the people, at the periods in my life when i was at my happiest. but i just don't like how i feel when i look back anymore.
i drank all summer. i was an alcoholic coming into UCR. i took shots right when i woke up. but i got four write-ups the first week, got put on probation, among other things. i've gone to four parties since school started. i'm alone a lot of the time. i've had so much time to think. and i see the people here and how different they are. i feel like i understand life better. but i don't like what i understand, because it isn't positive. or maybe it's just what it is and i feel like it's negative because i wish it were different, in my little utopia. but i feel like now that i understand, i'll come to terms with it and be fine.
i'd rather just go elsewhere though. returning to the old with my new self. i don't want to accept how much i've changed, or i don't want to realize it upon my return. but i need to leave riverside as well. i think once i go home, whatever may happen, i'll be happier to come back in january.
i'm just trying to sort everything out. i want it all to make sense. i mean, maybe i've been waiting to understand and feel this way since the beginning. maybe this is what i've been waiting for since forever. i can't even wrap my head around the feelings and thoughts, but ideally, i'm getting there. i'm becoming the good person i know, aside from other people, i am. i'm crushed, i don't think i've ever felt so isolated, yet i'm alive and i feel like i'm reaching some pinnacle that's actually worth it. so without trying to be bummed out, i'm going to go home tomorrow and see what lies ahead for me, as optimistically as possible.
i'm hangin in there.
love,
madeleine