(no subject)
About 2 days ago I sat here and went through all of my LJ posts since I started it back in 2001. I was such a DRAMA QUEEN! I used words like "F'word" and I would talk about peeing on myself all the time when I got nervous or upset or happy, basically any emotion I had, I wrote that I peed on myself. I also tried this thing where I would end all of my posts with "**Word**" WHY??!! I was such a fricken DORK. I wrote about my life as if it was the most important thing to anyone. I was suppose to be "waiting" for Mark who lived in Turkey at the time, while I would write in almost all of posts about how I hung out with this guy, or all of band members that I would talk to and all that stuff. It was just crap. All things to make myself feel better about me. While all the while I was probably just hurting the person who loved me. Why didn't I realize that? I was so concerned about sounding cool that I couldn't see that I was being absolutly rediculous. My priorties were SOOOOO different. I was all about going to shows, and my image and finding the right person for that day. I mean I was only 19 at the time and thought I was all "grown up" and knew what I wanted. Once the reality hit though, that was a different story. Its weird where life takes you. I think that God gave me Mark to get me away from that sceen, and then I fucked it all up with him. So then God put JD in my life and that time I listened. He choose to put me with people outside of that group. To help me grow up? I dunno. I was so depressed after reading all of those posts. I got to thinking about how it use to be, and how much I miss Mark, and the group and going to shows. It actually made me question my marriage to where I thought to myself, is this worth it? I was so.. I don't even know how to describe it. I went to work the next day and listened to the NEC Cd, and I thought about everything that was written in those songs, and I could remember the moments that these things happened. I found my self longing for that time again. But then I realized, I had no priorities, I had no life, friends yes, and I miss them terriably. Anyway, my point is, as much as I miss that life, I have a very important one now. I want a marriage, and a family,and I wouldn't be where I am today if God hadn't lead me to it. This is where I should be.