(no subject)
I feel a strong need to cry right now. I am a lonely lonely person. And now I understand why no one wants to hang out with me anymore. It's because I'm just way too boring. I thought my life was too boring for me, but it turns out, it's too boring for anyone else. I have one friend. Darren. But I need more people, now, I think. I am so tired of reading or hearing about every one going out and having such a fun time at concerts, and with friends, and what not, and I have no fucking clue what that's like anymore! I have no life! Being a fucking fat ass bitch and taking care of a baby is all I do. Fuck, I play video games, and sit around on my ass. Michael says I don't do anything, I can't even keep a room clean. I don't know exactly what's wrong with me, when I get the chance to go somewhere, I end up just staying home, because I'm embarressed of the way I look. Ha! So much for not caring what people think, I mean I'll always be myself, and do and think how I like, but I just don't feel comfortable around people, because I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I hate myself. I truly do. I hate being in this grotesque body, and I'm starting to cry right now just thinking of how utterly fucking pathetic I am. No one likes me anymore, and this sounds so fucking emo, but at the moment I couldn't give a fuck because I'm so unhappy, I just don't want to be me anymore. Part of me feels like dying, the ultimate release, but the other part is scared. I'm so scared. Of everything, and I feel like I've chased away all the friends I ever had. Shawn and Brendon don't give a shit about me, Jayme doesn't, Tina doesn't, Corey doesn't, Jennifer never ever calls, she's too busy, or whatever...I'm just..nothing. To anyone. This constant pain in my head and arm is driving me insane. I can't bear constant pain anymore. Physically and emotionally. I can't take it anymore. But I have no choice.