intertwined
there have been a lot of little things going on, none of which i really care to elaborate on. suffice it to say that there is nothing like talking last night and this morning. one of those strange situations where nothing is wrong, but communication, talking things through prevents little things from being blown out of proportion.
on my desk next to my computer is a carnation, which i would take a picture of and post if my camera hadn't jumped off the deep end after i dropped it into a tide pool in northern mass. (only briefly i swear) but now it will take pictures, sometimes, if its in the mood, but the display refuses to work and most of the time the lens cover thing doesn't open all the way.
(how did i start talking about this...)
this is reflective of the jumble of thoughts, emotions, stresses, paper ideas, books, subjects running through my head that is a good indication of the last three weeks of the semester.
and why i haven't been writing.
since i seem incapable of putting together any sort of coherent thought.
right, the carnation. i guess i'm bringing it up because it is the first flower that brad has given me, on the day of our year anniversary of our first date. and, granted, this post is late coming, but i haven't been able to put into words how it makes me feel. because i catch a glimpse of this flower, the picture of snow covered feet, and other various remnants from the past year and the jumble which is so hard to express in words returns.
and even if i could, i don't know if i would want to because i don't think that words could do it justice.
in the end, it reminds me that i have three weeks left here at bc until next august. and i am going to miss it. i won't get to see our terrapins grow up, see brad graduate, have more thursday night wine nights with my roommates, lunches with chris. this semester has been strange in that i haven't really seen anyone because i have spent so much time doing work away from my room and many of my weekends have been occupied either by band or on trips down to the cape.
i am simultaneously sad and not at all. because nothing can change how excited i am to go to new zealand. but there is the realization that i won't really see anyone until next year. yes, i will talk to brad and i'm sure, at the very least, send emails to kathy, chris, and liz. but i feel very separated, different, distinct from most other people here. the same feeling of disillusionment which has surrounded this semester. i am so connected to this place and my life here, but find myself aching to escape the expectations that roommates and friends have and just be able to do what i need to.
new zealand might be just what i need.
i already feel so connected to those islands.
i like the idea that we are independents whose lives have become intertwined. and i wouldn't change that for anything in the world.
i will be in tucson for longer than i could ever want. thankfully, a week or so will be spent at the cabin for christmas and then an eventual ski trip in january (downhill for the first time should be really fun). brad coming to visit. a scuba class. possible extended family visiting. i hope to volunteer, get back in shape, and work if i can.
going back to tucson is ... difficult. i want to see my family. i miss them. but my life is so distanced from that city now. i hardly even talk to anyone from arizona now, exceptions of shaun, pax, emily, and ashley occasionally. and it doesn't bother me.
i haven't really written in here much...don't really feel the need to ... and i don't know why. maybe because everything seems to be going so well. i'm doing well in my classes, working hard, stable, comfortable.
my head is all over the place, and need to get back to work...
on my desk next to my computer is a carnation, which i would take a picture of and post if my camera hadn't jumped off the deep end after i dropped it into a tide pool in northern mass. (only briefly i swear) but now it will take pictures, sometimes, if its in the mood, but the display refuses to work and most of the time the lens cover thing doesn't open all the way.
(how did i start talking about this...)
this is reflective of the jumble of thoughts, emotions, stresses, paper ideas, books, subjects running through my head that is a good indication of the last three weeks of the semester.
and why i haven't been writing.
since i seem incapable of putting together any sort of coherent thought.
right, the carnation. i guess i'm bringing it up because it is the first flower that brad has given me, on the day of our year anniversary of our first date. and, granted, this post is late coming, but i haven't been able to put into words how it makes me feel. because i catch a glimpse of this flower, the picture of snow covered feet, and other various remnants from the past year and the jumble which is so hard to express in words returns.
and even if i could, i don't know if i would want to because i don't think that words could do it justice.
in the end, it reminds me that i have three weeks left here at bc until next august. and i am going to miss it. i won't get to see our terrapins grow up, see brad graduate, have more thursday night wine nights with my roommates, lunches with chris. this semester has been strange in that i haven't really seen anyone because i have spent so much time doing work away from my room and many of my weekends have been occupied either by band or on trips down to the cape.
i am simultaneously sad and not at all. because nothing can change how excited i am to go to new zealand. but there is the realization that i won't really see anyone until next year. yes, i will talk to brad and i'm sure, at the very least, send emails to kathy, chris, and liz. but i feel very separated, different, distinct from most other people here. the same feeling of disillusionment which has surrounded this semester. i am so connected to this place and my life here, but find myself aching to escape the expectations that roommates and friends have and just be able to do what i need to.
new zealand might be just what i need.
i already feel so connected to those islands.
i like the idea that we are independents whose lives have become intertwined. and i wouldn't change that for anything in the world.
i will be in tucson for longer than i could ever want. thankfully, a week or so will be spent at the cabin for christmas and then an eventual ski trip in january (downhill for the first time should be really fun). brad coming to visit. a scuba class. possible extended family visiting. i hope to volunteer, get back in shape, and work if i can.
going back to tucson is ... difficult. i want to see my family. i miss them. but my life is so distanced from that city now. i hardly even talk to anyone from arizona now, exceptions of shaun, pax, emily, and ashley occasionally. and it doesn't bother me.
i haven't really written in here much...don't really feel the need to ... and i don't know why. maybe because everything seems to be going so well. i'm doing well in my classes, working hard, stable, comfortable.
my head is all over the place, and need to get back to work...