newlife
Things are strange, today i had every intention of doing a ton of stuff, but snow stopped me, not having a car hasn't bugged me until now, that will be resolved shortly though.
I'm listening to pattismith on a futon in a house that is considered mine, it didn't hit me until that cigarette a few minutes ago i was holding a mug and had one of those random indescribeable urges to smash it and it felt good, i could smash that brown porcelain "mug" because it was mine, i'd have to clean it up but i don't have to answer to anyone about breaking my mug because it's my mug. I know that sounds stupid but it's strangely liberating when you realize the money you earned from the job you ENJOY very much bought you that mug and pays for your room which is an equal 1/4 of a house.
it's freaking lonely out here, i've been so busy it didn't hit me until last night, i knew it would be lonely i just didn't realize how strange it is to think that i don't know the next time i will get a hug from one of my close friends that will make me forget everything else in the world, i could go out to the bars tonight and bring back a skank and treat her like poo and that would be me here, i could become a player, i've realized i can be charming and women out here freaking love things they're not used to like a lost boy from connecticut who goes out to eat alone and walks with a blank stare in his eyes and a numb smile because not even he knows why he's smiling but he's in utah and starting a life doing what he wants to do. this isn't my first realization about my new life out here and i know it won't be the last but i don't know how to meet friends, i know it sounds strange, but i know i could meet a woman or more than one i can do the romantic thing but it just feels like i'm not a good friend anymore. i'm not talkative i observe without judging (which i never used to do) i accept things for what they are and take the best of a situation because i can.
i'm not sure what the point of this post is, i've been writing a lot, but not in here, letters i'm lazily putting of sending because i won't have pictures til after next shift, do people mind if they're a couple weeks later than originally anticipated?
i want a hug, i want a kiss that brings life, i don't want to be a drone during my off weeks, i'm not sure i can do anything but that but i really have to put a concious effort into having a life out here, what good will it be moving to utah for a year to do a job (which is worth it on it's own) just to move to washington or oregon next year to do the next year and then maybe start trekking alone or with others or getting paid for it, i need some social scene of life to let me know i'm alive, forget a kiss i need a smack across the face from someone who knows me to tell me what i already know but won't get til people ignore me.
goddamn i don't know, i'm not complaining i'm quite happy now, don't mistake this for complaining i just need something, i don't know what it is or maybe i know what it is and that it's not coming, who the hell knows?
I'm listening to pattismith on a futon in a house that is considered mine, it didn't hit me until that cigarette a few minutes ago i was holding a mug and had one of those random indescribeable urges to smash it and it felt good, i could smash that brown porcelain "mug" because it was mine, i'd have to clean it up but i don't have to answer to anyone about breaking my mug because it's my mug. I know that sounds stupid but it's strangely liberating when you realize the money you earned from the job you ENJOY very much bought you that mug and pays for your room which is an equal 1/4 of a house.
it's freaking lonely out here, i've been so busy it didn't hit me until last night, i knew it would be lonely i just didn't realize how strange it is to think that i don't know the next time i will get a hug from one of my close friends that will make me forget everything else in the world, i could go out to the bars tonight and bring back a skank and treat her like poo and that would be me here, i could become a player, i've realized i can be charming and women out here freaking love things they're not used to like a lost boy from connecticut who goes out to eat alone and walks with a blank stare in his eyes and a numb smile because not even he knows why he's smiling but he's in utah and starting a life doing what he wants to do. this isn't my first realization about my new life out here and i know it won't be the last but i don't know how to meet friends, i know it sounds strange, but i know i could meet a woman or more than one i can do the romantic thing but it just feels like i'm not a good friend anymore. i'm not talkative i observe without judging (which i never used to do) i accept things for what they are and take the best of a situation because i can.
i'm not sure what the point of this post is, i've been writing a lot, but not in here, letters i'm lazily putting of sending because i won't have pictures til after next shift, do people mind if they're a couple weeks later than originally anticipated?
i want a hug, i want a kiss that brings life, i don't want to be a drone during my off weeks, i'm not sure i can do anything but that but i really have to put a concious effort into having a life out here, what good will it be moving to utah for a year to do a job (which is worth it on it's own) just to move to washington or oregon next year to do the next year and then maybe start trekking alone or with others or getting paid for it, i need some social scene of life to let me know i'm alive, forget a kiss i need a smack across the face from someone who knows me to tell me what i already know but won't get til people ignore me.
goddamn i don't know, i'm not complaining i'm quite happy now, don't mistake this for complaining i just need something, i don't know what it is or maybe i know what it is and that it's not coming, who the hell knows?