Day by day
Sitting next to her male friend she grins. Holds out her hand for some loose change.
"You've had your allowance. This is housekeeping dollars..... you know that. " I say
"And you dont know how much money I have" she says.
Ive got a pretty tight rein on things. She gets her allowance plus a little more. She cant have that much because she is a typical 16 yr old and money slips through her fingers. But it isnt how much money she has that bothers me.
Somewhere in many day to day little conversations there is a suggestion made that she has secrets from me. And I try to shrug it off. Never to pay back with a snide comment. But it hurts. It hurts because I dont understand the need. Yes I understand she is becoming her own woman with her own thoughts ideas and secrets. But she isnt sophisticated enough yet to know anything about herself or life that I dont know about. Im not sure what day, hour, minute it was when I become the enemy. Perhaps the day she began menstruating. It feels that animal. That basic.
Thoughts hurt my heart. I remember her eyes welling up with tears at times in her life when Ive surprised her and got the gift just right. Or when Ive told her how proud of her I am. I remember tying shoe laces and folding down little lace top socks. A chubby little hand that used to look for mine. The hand that always wanted to hold mine. The big blue eyes, the milk white skin and the rose petal lips.
And it means nothing but my immature brain has its little list of why she shouldnt shut me out. Ive saved her beautiful curls many a time from the hairdresser's scissors. Patiently conditioned and unmattered those springy ringlets that are still there on her neck underneath the blonde hair dyed black recently.
Ive spent hours at swimming pools and parks simply for her squeals of enjoyment. Supported her at school against very scary teachers. Talked her through hours of homework and music practice. Resourced information and images for school. Consoled her over girls that suddenly decided they didnt want to be her friend. Played Barbies. Rescued toys and books. Made things for dress ups and projects with nearly no notice.
But another side of my brain is packing up tightly the nurturing kit. She simply doesnt need anymore than what Ive taught her. Now its her time to rise or fall. She must act based on what she knows and live through the consequences. I can soften the fall and reassure her of my love. But the teaching is done for the time being.
People say she will come back to me and want a close friendship with her mother. I honestly dont know how easy it is all going to be to unpack again. it seems for the moment that she feels she owes me no respect, no loyalty, no love, no kindness. I hope I can let her back in if she wants that in the future. Im a pretty tough old bird and Im not sure once Ive closed the door to my heart that anything will open it again. It just hurts too much. And she has had her share of me. No matter how far I retreat to allow her space she keeps pushing me even further away.
Frankly. I miss her.
"You've had your allowance. This is housekeeping dollars..... you know that. " I say
"And you dont know how much money I have" she says.
Ive got a pretty tight rein on things. She gets her allowance plus a little more. She cant have that much because she is a typical 16 yr old and money slips through her fingers. But it isnt how much money she has that bothers me.
Somewhere in many day to day little conversations there is a suggestion made that she has secrets from me. And I try to shrug it off. Never to pay back with a snide comment. But it hurts. It hurts because I dont understand the need. Yes I understand she is becoming her own woman with her own thoughts ideas and secrets. But she isnt sophisticated enough yet to know anything about herself or life that I dont know about. Im not sure what day, hour, minute it was when I become the enemy. Perhaps the day she began menstruating. It feels that animal. That basic.
Thoughts hurt my heart. I remember her eyes welling up with tears at times in her life when Ive surprised her and got the gift just right. Or when Ive told her how proud of her I am. I remember tying shoe laces and folding down little lace top socks. A chubby little hand that used to look for mine. The hand that always wanted to hold mine. The big blue eyes, the milk white skin and the rose petal lips.
And it means nothing but my immature brain has its little list of why she shouldnt shut me out. Ive saved her beautiful curls many a time from the hairdresser's scissors. Patiently conditioned and unmattered those springy ringlets that are still there on her neck underneath the blonde hair dyed black recently.
Ive spent hours at swimming pools and parks simply for her squeals of enjoyment. Supported her at school against very scary teachers. Talked her through hours of homework and music practice. Resourced information and images for school. Consoled her over girls that suddenly decided they didnt want to be her friend. Played Barbies. Rescued toys and books. Made things for dress ups and projects with nearly no notice.
But another side of my brain is packing up tightly the nurturing kit. She simply doesnt need anymore than what Ive taught her. Now its her time to rise or fall. She must act based on what she knows and live through the consequences. I can soften the fall and reassure her of my love. But the teaching is done for the time being.
People say she will come back to me and want a close friendship with her mother. I honestly dont know how easy it is all going to be to unpack again. it seems for the moment that she feels she owes me no respect, no loyalty, no love, no kindness. I hope I can let her back in if she wants that in the future. Im a pretty tough old bird and Im not sure once Ive closed the door to my heart that anything will open it again. It just hurts too much. And she has had her share of me. No matter how far I retreat to allow her space she keeps pushing me even further away.
Frankly. I miss her.