Chapter Ten: Numb
Okay, here it is: the much talked about tenth chapter. It took over two weeks to get it right, and I'm sure I'll still need to edit it *frustrated groan*
I'm really sorry about the reactions last time, and I've tried to keep this one tame. It *is* volatile subject matter after all o.O
WARNINGS: There is a bit of swearing in this one (mostly in the song. I was going to blank it out, but you all would know what it says anyway ;) If you get a chance, listen to the whole thing, because it's *ALL* him ) And there's a pretty disturbing nightmare at the beginning, just so you know...
Chapter Ten: Numb
‘It's been a while
Since I can say that I wasn't addicted, and
It's been a while
Since I can say I love myself as well, and
It's been a while
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do,
and it's been a while
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you…’
It’s Been A While, Staind
Chaim was lying in bed - Saydie was with him. She was touching his face and telling him she loved him. She kissed him and he kissed her back, pulling her on top of him. He loved her with all of his being; he was so lucky to have her.
It occurred to him that they should close his door so his parents don’t walk in on them, but he was too busy kissing her to care, really. Besides, he hadn’t known her when he lived at home, so closing the door wouldn’t matter anyway.
“I love you,” he told her. His eyes were closed but he could still see her somehow, glowing above him. He knew that it was his ‘real’ eyes that were closed, but they were closed in the dream too, because he was happy.
“I love you too,” someone said back to him, but it wasn’t Saydie. He opened his eyes and saw Jace smirking back at him, shifting to straddle him and lifting up his shirt. Chaim lay beneath him, frozen. Jace never wanted to talk to him again - why was he in bed with him?
“You hate me,” Chaim said sadly. Jace looked up from kissing Chaim’s stomach.
“That doesn’t mean I can’t fuck you, does it?” he asked, his voice a mockery of emotion. Chaim thought it did, but didn’t say anything. He was with Saydie; he loved her…where had she gone? Jace pulled his jeans off, grabbing his attention and smirking up at him. He was sure his parents would walk in on them at any minute.
“No…I don’t want to,” Chaim said, watching Jace take off his own shirt. He was far too thin; he looked almost sick.
“Aww, come on, sure you do,” Jace said. Suddenly, he felt someone slapping his left arm. He turned and saw Matt flicking a needle and pulling a strap tightly around his arm.
“Please, I need it…” he begged him, watching him concentrate on finding a vein. It was hard, Chaim was shaking from withdrawal.
“Just relax,” Matt said, and he did. He trusted Matt - he had never hurt him. He sighed in relief as the drug flowed through his system and everything started to fade. He felt himself being pushed onto his side, but he felt so heavy after the shot.
“Turn over,” he heard Todd whisper in his ear, his voice a mockery of emotion. He opened his eyes in fear, but he was too high to protest. He weakly did as he was told, lying on his stomach and waiting. He looked up and saw Saydie sitting across the room, watching the scene sadly. He tried to reach for her but she was starting to fade, becoming one with the rest of the dream, until all that was left was him lying in his tent and sobbing.
“Hey…” someone was nudging him, the real him. “Hey, wake up, man.” Mike was shaking him gently, a look of concern on his face. Chaim’s eyes snapped open, and when he saw the guy leaning over him, shot up and backed away from him. “Hey, it’s okay,” Mike tried to calm him, “you were having another nightmare…”
Chaim closed his eyes again, rubbing them with his hands, trying to wake up. He hated this, hated that he’d been having nightmares every night since he’d met Jace. Hated that he had to share a tent with Mike, and that Mike knew about each one he’d had. But at the same time he was grateful that Mike was understanding enough not to ask what they were about; to keep it between them. He lowered his hands and looked at him.
“What time is it?” he asked tiredly. Mike relaxed and lowered his own hands.
“Just before six,” he said with a sigh. “You slept for five hours…that’s a record.” He smiled slightly and then sighed again. “Chaim…you have to tell someone about this…”
“No!” Chaim cried a bit too loudly, startling the other boy. “No,” he said quieter, starting to get dressed, “no one can know,” he said, “I’ll be fine.” Mike watched him for a minute before shaking his head and leaving Chaim alone to finish dressing. Once he was alone, Chaim stilled his hands and, leaning forward onto the bedding, let the rest of his nightmare slip down his cheeks to soak into his sleeping bag.
It had been a little over a week since they’d set out, and Chaim was starting to get used to the long walking and hard work involved in a hike. Shabbos had gone on without any problems and Rabbi Kirsh had sent instruction that he was to study a specific portion of Torah, to be discussed when he got back. Even though his study was motivated more from boredom than a desire to learn, he still did it. Mike willingly completing the chores for both of them that day and rather than complaining about the extra work, he’d engaged Chaim in conversations every chance he got about the different practices and rituals associated with Shabbos. Chaim had answered them as patiently as he could, but his patience was wearing thin from lack of sleep. Fortunately for him, Mike understood all too well.
He and Mike had managed to bond over that time, the fight between them more or less forgotten. Chaim hated hating people, and so for this at least, he was grateful to Peter. At least he had one friend.
Everyone was excited - the counselors had estimated they’d reach their goal today. There was a small cabin on the side of one of the mountains, and they’d be sleeping in it that night before heading back on the long trip back to school. Chaim was looking forward to sleeping indoors for a change, but at the same time was fearful that others would notice his nightmares. At least out here in the tents he only woke up one other person with them. Maybe, he thought, he would have to not sleep at all that night, just so that he didn’t worry anyone. It wasn’t like he was getting much sleep anyway.
The group trekked along the path, at times having to cut their own path through the overgrowth. Chaim managed to keep up quite well, despite the little rest he’d had for the past several nights. When they came to one of the many rivers in the area, this one fast flowing and deep, the counselors decided that as an exercise in teamwork, they’d cross it on a rope and pulley system, nicknamed ‘high-rolling crossing’. Chaim and Mike watched as the older students set up the ropes, under the counselors’ supervision. They got the feeling that, not only had all the Stargazers done this before, but that this was a sort of ‘initiation’ for them, two fairly new students to the school.
“Here.” Marc, one of the counselors handed Chaim a harness for the trip across. At Chaim’s look of confused uncertainty, he quickly showed him how to put it on so that the straps would support him while suspended over the water. Chaim did as he was told, but had never done anything like this in his life. He was okay with the idea of it until he stood and watched the first students pull themselves across, one at a time and slowly, on nothing but thin, albeit strong, ropes. He panicked.
“N-no…” he protested, stepping back from the ropes. “I c-can’t do that…” a few nearby students turned to him with something akin to sympathy. Marc and Jenn stopped what they were doing and looked over at him, concerned.
“Too high?” one student asked, “is it a phobia thing?” Chaim grimaced at her as Marc shouldered his way through the group of students, putting a gentle hand on the boy’s shoulder. Chaim was staring at the lake as if it would suddenly pull him in, ignoring the counselor completely.
“Are you okay, son?” Marc asked him softly. Fear of heights was common among these students, and nearly all the counselors had dealt with it at one time or another. Chaim stepped away from him and sat down, his back to a tree as far away from the edge as he could get. He didn’t want to tell the counselor that it wasn’t the height he was afraid of, but it was something else. He didn’t even know why he’d gotten so freaked out by it, but it was passing. Marc came over to sit next to him, but not so close as to be invasive.
“It’s okay,” he soothed the boy, “lots of kids are afraid of crossing.” Chaim avoided his eyes, not wanting to let anything on to the guy. He concentrated on calming his rapidly beating heart while the Stargazers crossed the lake. It actually looked kind of fun to him, but it was the sense of…not being in control of yourself, of being dependant on others that had scared him. Of being vulnerable.
Jenn came over to them as the students continued crossing and handed Chaim a cup of water. “Here,” she said with a kind smile. “Are you okay?” Chaim looked up at her and nodded, drinking the water and standing slowly, leaning against the tree for support.
“I’m fine,” he lied, “I’ll be okay.”
“Did you want someone to cross with you?” Marc asked, “I could get one of my kids to take you across…these ropes could hold five guys if they had to…” Chaim made a sort of non-committal shrug, thinking he would much rather cross alone, but Marc had already flagged one of his students down. By the time Chaim noticed who it was, it was already too late. He groaned and turned away, but knew there was no way he could protest without the counselors wondering why.
“Chaim, this is Jace,” Marc introduced them unnecessarily. Jace gave him a cocky sort of grin that Chaim felt gave away far too much. “He’ll take you across, he’s done this many times before.” Chaim resisted the urge to roll his eyes. ‘I’m sure he has,’ he thought bitterly. They led him to the ropes, and he watched Jace secure them both to the pulleys. Hooking one foot into a strap to steady himself, Chaim felt himself hoisted up onto the ropes. No sooner had he gotten used to the feeling of being up in the air, Jace joined him, wrapping his legs around him from behind. Chaim struggled against him, trying to shake him off, but the other guy whispered in his ear, making shiver uncomfortably. “Just relax, I’m supposed to take you across. Just hang on.” Chaim groaned in frustration and did as he was told, already unable to wait until they reached the other side.
Mike had already crossed, and he could see him on the other side, waiting for him. Chaim kept his eyes fixed on him as Jace pulled them across, trying not to think about who was wrapped around him. When they finally reached the other side a few minutes later, he unhooked himself and shot away from Jace as if he’d been burned. He stripped the harness off himself and threw it with the others, picking up his pack from the pile that one of the other students had brought across for everyone, and heading off into the woods again, even though everyone was waiting for Marc and Jenn to take down the ropes. Mike followed him.
“Chaim…” he called to him, having to run to catch up. “Chaim, what’s up?” He finally reached him and turned him around, only then noticing that his face was wet with tears. “What’s wrong?” Chaim let his pack fall to the ground and wiped them away, shaking his head.
“Nothing,” he said, “nothing. I’ll just wait here for the others…I need to be alone.” Mike looked at him uncertainly, but finally nodded and went back to the group. Chaim sat down, his back against another tree, drying his face and trying everything he could think of to calm himself. He banged his head against the tree a few times, but it didn’t give him the same dull pain he was used to from hitting it against a wall. Ironically, the only thing that helped calm him down was quietly, tearfully reciting Ashrei.
By the time the group reached the cabin it was getting dark. There was a collective sigh of relief when they arrived - they’d been told that the cabin had electricity and real showers and real beds. Most of the kids at this school were used to every comfort as a great many of them were from wealthy families. While the cabin wasn’t exactly the Hilton, it was much better than the tents they’d been sleeping in for the past week.
Everyone chose their bunks, girls and boys separated in different rooms. Marc stayed with the boys and Jenn with the girls. After a relaxing meal and several rounds of Truth or Dare (supervised, of course) around the fireplace, they were all ushered off to bed.
Chaim lay in his bunk, but as he’d suspected, he couldn’t sleep. He looked over to where Marc lay sleeping, wondering if he would hear him if he got up. At this point, he didn’t want to take the chance of really falling asleep; the counselor already thought there was something up with him, he didn’t want to add nightmares to the report he was sure would get back to Peter about all this. As quietly as he could manage, he slipped on his boots and left the room, leaving the cabin to sit on one of the deck chairs just outside. It was a cool night, but he’d taken one of the throws from the living room to cover up with, letting his head fall back onto the chair and staring up at the stars.
For some reason, the first thought that popped into his head then was of G-d telling Abram that his descendants would outnumber the stars in the sky. He bit his lip a little and closed his eyes, trying to remember why that was so important. Something about being special…but his brain couldn’t grasp it, he was too tired.
He heard someone else leave the cabin, but didn’t move, thinking anxiously that it was one of the counselors. He was curled up in the chair and knew that unless he moved no one would see he was there, so he didn’t dare turn to see who it was. After a long few minutes, he heard footsteps heading towards him, until finally the person sat in the chair to his right. He turned his head and groaned loudly, seeing Jace sitting there next to him.
“What do you want?” he sighed. Jace looked at him as if in shock, and got up from his chair.
“I did not see you sitting there,” he said with curious and almost friendly sincerity. “I’ll go…” Chaim wondered at the near pleasantness in Jace’s voice, and his downright courtesy of leaving him alone with his thoughts. He bit his lip a little harder, squeezing his eyes shut before calling back to him.
“You don’t have to,” he said. He didn’t turn or give any other sign that he wanted him to stay, and so was surprised when Jace sat back down. The two were blanketed in silence for a long time, and Chaim even began to nod off a bit.
“I heard you have a girlfriend,” Jace startled him out of his sleep. He looked over at him with a slight frown, but they could hardly see each other it was so dark.
“What?” he asked. He wasn’t even aware he had a girlfriend. He liked Saydie, but had long since given up hope of her liking him back, even though his dreams told him otherwise. He still felt terrible about what had happened…still wondered every day if she was okay. Jace sort of shrugged beside him.
“I’ve learned it’s difficult to keep a secret at this school,” he said. Chaim was startled by this.
“You mean…people might…” he felt slightly ill. If people found out about what he’d done…if a counselor found out they’d have to call home. His parents would find out…
“Difficult, but not impossible,” Jace said, putting him at relative ease. “The counselors don’t know about even half of what I get up to when they’re not around,” he joked suggestively, but Chaim rolled his eyes and turned away. He’d rather not know the details.
“Well you’d think they’d clue in,” he heard himself saying, “what, with your reputation for…” he trailed off and looked over at Jace when he heard the other guy sniff. He frowned in disbelief. Was Jace…crying? He couldn’t see his face so he couldn’t be sure; he could just have been sniffing from the cold, but he didn’t think that was it. “Hey, you alright?” he asked, against his better judgment. It was hard to be judgmental when you were exhausted. Jace shrugged his shoulders a little but didn’t look at him. Now he knew something was wrong. He didn’t know Jace that well at all, but he could tell when someone was upset. “What’s wrong?” he asked him, softening his voice so it sounded concerned, when he was really just curious. “Look, I’m sorry…” Jace shook his head again and wiped his face, still not looking at him.
“It’s not you,” he said quietly, his voice breaking a bit. Had he made him cry? He felt terrible.
“What is it?” he asked, this time really concerned. After a minute of silence, Jace finally looked at him. It was still hard to see him, but he could see his eyes were wet with tears.
“It’s not you,” he repeated. Chaim was startled that his voice actually held some emotion that wasn’t faked. So far everything about Jace, at least what he’d shown to Chaim, was fake. This was real…he was hurting and it was his fault. ‘So he is human after all,’ he thought. “I’m just…” Jace caught his attention again, “just sick of it all, you know?” Chaim frowned a bit, but listened. Obviously Jace was struggling with what he wanted to say. He wondered why he was being told all this, but then figured it must be easier for him to talk to a student rather than a counselor. He knew it was for him.
“I’m sick of being judged by the things I do,” Jace went on, prompting Chaim to wonder why he did the things he did in the first place. He didn’t say anything though, recognizing that speaking was not the best thing to do when someone was pouring their heart out, especially when they’ve never done it before. “Everyone sees me as ‘that sex tape guy’,” he said, wiping his eyes again. “Even here…people look at me as if they know…as if they really think they know who I am, but they don’t. No one does.” There was a long silence, and Chaim thought it was safe to speak.
“I never saw you as that,” he said. He hadn’t even known who he was, but he didn’t think that would help any. “But I think I know how you feel…” he sighed and leant his head back on the chair again. “It’s like…you’re only as good as the things you do. Where I come from, if you don’t want to be what everyone else is, if you’re in any way different…you’re nothing. My parents see me as a failure because I don’t want to be like them,” he finished quietly. He hadn’t intended to get into this with Jace of all people, but it seemed only fair, the other guy had opened up to him first, after all.
“At least your parents care,” Jace said, a little jealously. Chaim shook his head.
“No they don’t,” he said sadly. “They think they do, they even say they do, but they don’t. They don’t understand…I can’t control myself…I don’t know what I want, I just want.” He sighed again and looked down at his hands under the blanket. “The shrinks say it’s because of this disorder I’ve got…”
“Disorder?” Jace actually sounded interested, without any of his usual snarkiness. Chaim nodded, still looking down, scraping his thumbnail in his palm again.
“They said I have a ‘borderline personality,’” he said, still not really understanding it himself, “like I’m half crazy or something. It makes me do things I’ll regret later…things I want but shouldn’t have.”
“So is that why you...” Jace trailed off, letting the rest go unsaid. Chaim nodded hesitantly.
“I think so...” he said quietly. He was so confused. Jace sighed heavily, looking away from him.
“You’re not really gay, are you?” he said. It was more of a statement than a question. Chaim thought about it, not really sure himself.
“I don’t know...” he said numbly. He knew what the Torah said about people like him. Beside him Josh sighed and nodded, as if knowing deep down that Chaim wasn’t really like him. It sort of gave him a bit of relief, knowing that.
“I should have known,” he said to him, “all the good ones are either straight or taken.” Chaim looked at him with a questioning look, but didn’t ask what he’d meant by ‘good’. Surely not him…
“Why did you do it then?” he asked after a long silence. Chaim didn’t answer for a long time, too lost in his own thoughts, trying to come up with an answer he understood. He really didn’t know…or didn’t want to know.
“I just…I just needed…” he shook his head and stared at the stars again. “Nevermind.”
“Look, I won’t understand if you don’t tell me,” Jace said. Chaim sighed and looked back over at him slightly.
“But you don’t want to understand,” he said quietly, “you just want the people you use to disappear when you’re done with them.” He’d known many people like Jace, been burned by far too many people like him.
“If I didn’t want to understand I wouldn’t still be sitting here, would I?” Jace asked, sounding a little insulted. After another brief moment of silence he decided maybe he really didn’t care and started to get up. That was when Chaim decided to explain.
“I just needed…someone,” he said, not even sure he understood that. “I…I was alone, I was upset, and…and that had always worked for me, you know?” At Josh’s hard look Chaim cast his eyes back down to his own hands in his lap. “I thought I would feel better but I didn’t…it just made everything worse.”
“Everything?” Chaim looked back over at him briefly with a slight wry chuckle.
“Don’t cry if I don’t want to tell you all my secrets,” he said defensively. Jace shrugged as if he couldn’t care less.
“I don’t cry,” he replied. Chaim frowned.
“Everybody cries…you’re not human if you don’t cry.” One of his only real friends from home had told him that, the first time he’d ever cried in front of him. It had quickly become his mantra, since after that he’d cried far too much. He had another mantra, one he’d learned from Matt, but that one hurt to think about. He couldn’t think about it without thinking of him. He would have died out there on the streets if it wasn’t for Matt, if it wasn’t for what Matt had taught him. ‘Sex isn’t love,’ Matt had told him, the night he’d first met Todd, and the words had become etched into him like stone. ‘Sex isn’t love…’
He swallowed hard and looked back at Jace, hoping the other boy hadn’t somehow sensed his mood. Jace wasn’t looking at him, and seemed preoccupied with something unpleasant. Chaim looked back up at the stars.
“So how’s your girl?” Jace asked after another long silence. Chaim shrugged slightly under his blanket, trying not to let his hurt show.
“I wouldn’t know,” he said quietly. “She’s in the hospital, and they won’t tell me anything.” He had come close to praying for her many times, but didn’t think G-d would listen to him, not after what he’d done…
“No offence or anything,” Jace said in a tone of voice that told him what he was about to say would offend him, “but how can you be in love with this girl after like, two days? And she’s obviously a psycho if she’s been shipped off to the hospital - I heard what happened, she’d slit her wrists because you kissed her? What a freak!” Chaim’s mouth dropped open and he felt himself go numb again. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing.
“If she’s a psycho,” he said quietly, “I am.” He was upset that she’d tried to kill herself, yes; sad that he couldn’t see her, but he’d never once blamed her for what she’d done. How could he? He’d done it himself. “You don’t understand at all, do you?” he said to Jace, feeling hurt by the other guy’s words. “I thought you were different…”
“Yeah, whatever,” Jace muttered, getting up and turning back to the cabin. Chaim watched him, feeling suddenly empty. He didn’t know how it had happened, but somehow while they’d been talking Chaim had started to care about Jace. He felt bad for him, wanted to be his friend. He sighed softly. ‘Everyone I’ve ever cared about always leaves me,’ he thought sadly, worrying the edge of his blanket in frustration. It wasn’t until he heard Jace’s footsteps pause that he realized he’d spoken his thoughts aloud.
“You can’t care about me,” he said back to him, almost as if he needed him to not care. “I’m not something good.”
“You could be,” Chaim said, not moving to look back at him. “I think we could help each other,” he blurted out, the words coming faster than thought. He turned slightly in his chair to look at him. “I know what my problem is,” he told him honestly, “I love too much. But you…you don’t love at all.” He didn’t realize until it was too late that what he’d said could be hurtful to Jace, not until he’d seen the sadness and anger warring with each other across Jace’s face.
“You think I don’t love?” he said, sounding like someone had just punched him in the stomach. “You think I don’t want to actually love someone? How can you love anybody when you were never fucking loved yourself?” he shouted, no longer caring who they woke up. He turned and stormed back into the cabin, slamming the door on Chaim, who still sat frozen in his chair.
The truth hurt…
I'm really sorry about the reactions last time, and I've tried to keep this one tame. It *is* volatile subject matter after all o.O
WARNINGS: There is a bit of swearing in this one (mostly in the song. I was going to blank it out, but you all would know what it says anyway ;) If you get a chance, listen to the whole thing, because it's *ALL* him ) And there's a pretty disturbing nightmare at the beginning, just so you know...
Chapter Ten: Numb
‘It's been a while
Since I can say that I wasn't addicted, and
It's been a while
Since I can say I love myself as well, and
It's been a while
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do,
and it's been a while
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you…’
It’s Been A While, Staind
Chaim was lying in bed - Saydie was with him. She was touching his face and telling him she loved him. She kissed him and he kissed her back, pulling her on top of him. He loved her with all of his being; he was so lucky to have her.
It occurred to him that they should close his door so his parents don’t walk in on them, but he was too busy kissing her to care, really. Besides, he hadn’t known her when he lived at home, so closing the door wouldn’t matter anyway.
“I love you,” he told her. His eyes were closed but he could still see her somehow, glowing above him. He knew that it was his ‘real’ eyes that were closed, but they were closed in the dream too, because he was happy.
“I love you too,” someone said back to him, but it wasn’t Saydie. He opened his eyes and saw Jace smirking back at him, shifting to straddle him and lifting up his shirt. Chaim lay beneath him, frozen. Jace never wanted to talk to him again - why was he in bed with him?
“You hate me,” Chaim said sadly. Jace looked up from kissing Chaim’s stomach.
“That doesn’t mean I can’t fuck you, does it?” he asked, his voice a mockery of emotion. Chaim thought it did, but didn’t say anything. He was with Saydie; he loved her…where had she gone? Jace pulled his jeans off, grabbing his attention and smirking up at him. He was sure his parents would walk in on them at any minute.
“No…I don’t want to,” Chaim said, watching Jace take off his own shirt. He was far too thin; he looked almost sick.
“Aww, come on, sure you do,” Jace said. Suddenly, he felt someone slapping his left arm. He turned and saw Matt flicking a needle and pulling a strap tightly around his arm.
“Please, I need it…” he begged him, watching him concentrate on finding a vein. It was hard, Chaim was shaking from withdrawal.
“Just relax,” Matt said, and he did. He trusted Matt - he had never hurt him. He sighed in relief as the drug flowed through his system and everything started to fade. He felt himself being pushed onto his side, but he felt so heavy after the shot.
“Turn over,” he heard Todd whisper in his ear, his voice a mockery of emotion. He opened his eyes in fear, but he was too high to protest. He weakly did as he was told, lying on his stomach and waiting. He looked up and saw Saydie sitting across the room, watching the scene sadly. He tried to reach for her but she was starting to fade, becoming one with the rest of the dream, until all that was left was him lying in his tent and sobbing.
“Hey…” someone was nudging him, the real him. “Hey, wake up, man.” Mike was shaking him gently, a look of concern on his face. Chaim’s eyes snapped open, and when he saw the guy leaning over him, shot up and backed away from him. “Hey, it’s okay,” Mike tried to calm him, “you were having another nightmare…”
Chaim closed his eyes again, rubbing them with his hands, trying to wake up. He hated this, hated that he’d been having nightmares every night since he’d met Jace. Hated that he had to share a tent with Mike, and that Mike knew about each one he’d had. But at the same time he was grateful that Mike was understanding enough not to ask what they were about; to keep it between them. He lowered his hands and looked at him.
“What time is it?” he asked tiredly. Mike relaxed and lowered his own hands.
“Just before six,” he said with a sigh. “You slept for five hours…that’s a record.” He smiled slightly and then sighed again. “Chaim…you have to tell someone about this…”
“No!” Chaim cried a bit too loudly, startling the other boy. “No,” he said quieter, starting to get dressed, “no one can know,” he said, “I’ll be fine.” Mike watched him for a minute before shaking his head and leaving Chaim alone to finish dressing. Once he was alone, Chaim stilled his hands and, leaning forward onto the bedding, let the rest of his nightmare slip down his cheeks to soak into his sleeping bag.
It had been a little over a week since they’d set out, and Chaim was starting to get used to the long walking and hard work involved in a hike. Shabbos had gone on without any problems and Rabbi Kirsh had sent instruction that he was to study a specific portion of Torah, to be discussed when he got back. Even though his study was motivated more from boredom than a desire to learn, he still did it. Mike willingly completing the chores for both of them that day and rather than complaining about the extra work, he’d engaged Chaim in conversations every chance he got about the different practices and rituals associated with Shabbos. Chaim had answered them as patiently as he could, but his patience was wearing thin from lack of sleep. Fortunately for him, Mike understood all too well.
He and Mike had managed to bond over that time, the fight between them more or less forgotten. Chaim hated hating people, and so for this at least, he was grateful to Peter. At least he had one friend.
Everyone was excited - the counselors had estimated they’d reach their goal today. There was a small cabin on the side of one of the mountains, and they’d be sleeping in it that night before heading back on the long trip back to school. Chaim was looking forward to sleeping indoors for a change, but at the same time was fearful that others would notice his nightmares. At least out here in the tents he only woke up one other person with them. Maybe, he thought, he would have to not sleep at all that night, just so that he didn’t worry anyone. It wasn’t like he was getting much sleep anyway.
The group trekked along the path, at times having to cut their own path through the overgrowth. Chaim managed to keep up quite well, despite the little rest he’d had for the past several nights. When they came to one of the many rivers in the area, this one fast flowing and deep, the counselors decided that as an exercise in teamwork, they’d cross it on a rope and pulley system, nicknamed ‘high-rolling crossing’. Chaim and Mike watched as the older students set up the ropes, under the counselors’ supervision. They got the feeling that, not only had all the Stargazers done this before, but that this was a sort of ‘initiation’ for them, two fairly new students to the school.
“Here.” Marc, one of the counselors handed Chaim a harness for the trip across. At Chaim’s look of confused uncertainty, he quickly showed him how to put it on so that the straps would support him while suspended over the water. Chaim did as he was told, but had never done anything like this in his life. He was okay with the idea of it until he stood and watched the first students pull themselves across, one at a time and slowly, on nothing but thin, albeit strong, ropes. He panicked.
“N-no…” he protested, stepping back from the ropes. “I c-can’t do that…” a few nearby students turned to him with something akin to sympathy. Marc and Jenn stopped what they were doing and looked over at him, concerned.
“Too high?” one student asked, “is it a phobia thing?” Chaim grimaced at her as Marc shouldered his way through the group of students, putting a gentle hand on the boy’s shoulder. Chaim was staring at the lake as if it would suddenly pull him in, ignoring the counselor completely.
“Are you okay, son?” Marc asked him softly. Fear of heights was common among these students, and nearly all the counselors had dealt with it at one time or another. Chaim stepped away from him and sat down, his back to a tree as far away from the edge as he could get. He didn’t want to tell the counselor that it wasn’t the height he was afraid of, but it was something else. He didn’t even know why he’d gotten so freaked out by it, but it was passing. Marc came over to sit next to him, but not so close as to be invasive.
“It’s okay,” he soothed the boy, “lots of kids are afraid of crossing.” Chaim avoided his eyes, not wanting to let anything on to the guy. He concentrated on calming his rapidly beating heart while the Stargazers crossed the lake. It actually looked kind of fun to him, but it was the sense of…not being in control of yourself, of being dependant on others that had scared him. Of being vulnerable.
Jenn came over to them as the students continued crossing and handed Chaim a cup of water. “Here,” she said with a kind smile. “Are you okay?” Chaim looked up at her and nodded, drinking the water and standing slowly, leaning against the tree for support.
“I’m fine,” he lied, “I’ll be okay.”
“Did you want someone to cross with you?” Marc asked, “I could get one of my kids to take you across…these ropes could hold five guys if they had to…” Chaim made a sort of non-committal shrug, thinking he would much rather cross alone, but Marc had already flagged one of his students down. By the time Chaim noticed who it was, it was already too late. He groaned and turned away, but knew there was no way he could protest without the counselors wondering why.
“Chaim, this is Jace,” Marc introduced them unnecessarily. Jace gave him a cocky sort of grin that Chaim felt gave away far too much. “He’ll take you across, he’s done this many times before.” Chaim resisted the urge to roll his eyes. ‘I’m sure he has,’ he thought bitterly. They led him to the ropes, and he watched Jace secure them both to the pulleys. Hooking one foot into a strap to steady himself, Chaim felt himself hoisted up onto the ropes. No sooner had he gotten used to the feeling of being up in the air, Jace joined him, wrapping his legs around him from behind. Chaim struggled against him, trying to shake him off, but the other guy whispered in his ear, making shiver uncomfortably. “Just relax, I’m supposed to take you across. Just hang on.” Chaim groaned in frustration and did as he was told, already unable to wait until they reached the other side.
Mike had already crossed, and he could see him on the other side, waiting for him. Chaim kept his eyes fixed on him as Jace pulled them across, trying not to think about who was wrapped around him. When they finally reached the other side a few minutes later, he unhooked himself and shot away from Jace as if he’d been burned. He stripped the harness off himself and threw it with the others, picking up his pack from the pile that one of the other students had brought across for everyone, and heading off into the woods again, even though everyone was waiting for Marc and Jenn to take down the ropes. Mike followed him.
“Chaim…” he called to him, having to run to catch up. “Chaim, what’s up?” He finally reached him and turned him around, only then noticing that his face was wet with tears. “What’s wrong?” Chaim let his pack fall to the ground and wiped them away, shaking his head.
“Nothing,” he said, “nothing. I’ll just wait here for the others…I need to be alone.” Mike looked at him uncertainly, but finally nodded and went back to the group. Chaim sat down, his back against another tree, drying his face and trying everything he could think of to calm himself. He banged his head against the tree a few times, but it didn’t give him the same dull pain he was used to from hitting it against a wall. Ironically, the only thing that helped calm him down was quietly, tearfully reciting Ashrei.
By the time the group reached the cabin it was getting dark. There was a collective sigh of relief when they arrived - they’d been told that the cabin had electricity and real showers and real beds. Most of the kids at this school were used to every comfort as a great many of them were from wealthy families. While the cabin wasn’t exactly the Hilton, it was much better than the tents they’d been sleeping in for the past week.
Everyone chose their bunks, girls and boys separated in different rooms. Marc stayed with the boys and Jenn with the girls. After a relaxing meal and several rounds of Truth or Dare (supervised, of course) around the fireplace, they were all ushered off to bed.
Chaim lay in his bunk, but as he’d suspected, he couldn’t sleep. He looked over to where Marc lay sleeping, wondering if he would hear him if he got up. At this point, he didn’t want to take the chance of really falling asleep; the counselor already thought there was something up with him, he didn’t want to add nightmares to the report he was sure would get back to Peter about all this. As quietly as he could manage, he slipped on his boots and left the room, leaving the cabin to sit on one of the deck chairs just outside. It was a cool night, but he’d taken one of the throws from the living room to cover up with, letting his head fall back onto the chair and staring up at the stars.
For some reason, the first thought that popped into his head then was of G-d telling Abram that his descendants would outnumber the stars in the sky. He bit his lip a little and closed his eyes, trying to remember why that was so important. Something about being special…but his brain couldn’t grasp it, he was too tired.
He heard someone else leave the cabin, but didn’t move, thinking anxiously that it was one of the counselors. He was curled up in the chair and knew that unless he moved no one would see he was there, so he didn’t dare turn to see who it was. After a long few minutes, he heard footsteps heading towards him, until finally the person sat in the chair to his right. He turned his head and groaned loudly, seeing Jace sitting there next to him.
“What do you want?” he sighed. Jace looked at him as if in shock, and got up from his chair.
“I did not see you sitting there,” he said with curious and almost friendly sincerity. “I’ll go…” Chaim wondered at the near pleasantness in Jace’s voice, and his downright courtesy of leaving him alone with his thoughts. He bit his lip a little harder, squeezing his eyes shut before calling back to him.
“You don’t have to,” he said. He didn’t turn or give any other sign that he wanted him to stay, and so was surprised when Jace sat back down. The two were blanketed in silence for a long time, and Chaim even began to nod off a bit.
“I heard you have a girlfriend,” Jace startled him out of his sleep. He looked over at him with a slight frown, but they could hardly see each other it was so dark.
“What?” he asked. He wasn’t even aware he had a girlfriend. He liked Saydie, but had long since given up hope of her liking him back, even though his dreams told him otherwise. He still felt terrible about what had happened…still wondered every day if she was okay. Jace sort of shrugged beside him.
“I’ve learned it’s difficult to keep a secret at this school,” he said. Chaim was startled by this.
“You mean…people might…” he felt slightly ill. If people found out about what he’d done…if a counselor found out they’d have to call home. His parents would find out…
“Difficult, but not impossible,” Jace said, putting him at relative ease. “The counselors don’t know about even half of what I get up to when they’re not around,” he joked suggestively, but Chaim rolled his eyes and turned away. He’d rather not know the details.
“Well you’d think they’d clue in,” he heard himself saying, “what, with your reputation for…” he trailed off and looked over at Jace when he heard the other guy sniff. He frowned in disbelief. Was Jace…crying? He couldn’t see his face so he couldn’t be sure; he could just have been sniffing from the cold, but he didn’t think that was it. “Hey, you alright?” he asked, against his better judgment. It was hard to be judgmental when you were exhausted. Jace shrugged his shoulders a little but didn’t look at him. Now he knew something was wrong. He didn’t know Jace that well at all, but he could tell when someone was upset. “What’s wrong?” he asked him, softening his voice so it sounded concerned, when he was really just curious. “Look, I’m sorry…” Jace shook his head again and wiped his face, still not looking at him.
“It’s not you,” he said quietly, his voice breaking a bit. Had he made him cry? He felt terrible.
“What is it?” he asked, this time really concerned. After a minute of silence, Jace finally looked at him. It was still hard to see him, but he could see his eyes were wet with tears.
“It’s not you,” he repeated. Chaim was startled that his voice actually held some emotion that wasn’t faked. So far everything about Jace, at least what he’d shown to Chaim, was fake. This was real…he was hurting and it was his fault. ‘So he is human after all,’ he thought. “I’m just…” Jace caught his attention again, “just sick of it all, you know?” Chaim frowned a bit, but listened. Obviously Jace was struggling with what he wanted to say. He wondered why he was being told all this, but then figured it must be easier for him to talk to a student rather than a counselor. He knew it was for him.
“I’m sick of being judged by the things I do,” Jace went on, prompting Chaim to wonder why he did the things he did in the first place. He didn’t say anything though, recognizing that speaking was not the best thing to do when someone was pouring their heart out, especially when they’ve never done it before. “Everyone sees me as ‘that sex tape guy’,” he said, wiping his eyes again. “Even here…people look at me as if they know…as if they really think they know who I am, but they don’t. No one does.” There was a long silence, and Chaim thought it was safe to speak.
“I never saw you as that,” he said. He hadn’t even known who he was, but he didn’t think that would help any. “But I think I know how you feel…” he sighed and leant his head back on the chair again. “It’s like…you’re only as good as the things you do. Where I come from, if you don’t want to be what everyone else is, if you’re in any way different…you’re nothing. My parents see me as a failure because I don’t want to be like them,” he finished quietly. He hadn’t intended to get into this with Jace of all people, but it seemed only fair, the other guy had opened up to him first, after all.
“At least your parents care,” Jace said, a little jealously. Chaim shook his head.
“No they don’t,” he said sadly. “They think they do, they even say they do, but they don’t. They don’t understand…I can’t control myself…I don’t know what I want, I just want.” He sighed again and looked down at his hands under the blanket. “The shrinks say it’s because of this disorder I’ve got…”
“Disorder?” Jace actually sounded interested, without any of his usual snarkiness. Chaim nodded, still looking down, scraping his thumbnail in his palm again.
“They said I have a ‘borderline personality,’” he said, still not really understanding it himself, “like I’m half crazy or something. It makes me do things I’ll regret later…things I want but shouldn’t have.”
“So is that why you...” Jace trailed off, letting the rest go unsaid. Chaim nodded hesitantly.
“I think so...” he said quietly. He was so confused. Jace sighed heavily, looking away from him.
“You’re not really gay, are you?” he said. It was more of a statement than a question. Chaim thought about it, not really sure himself.
“I don’t know...” he said numbly. He knew what the Torah said about people like him. Beside him Josh sighed and nodded, as if knowing deep down that Chaim wasn’t really like him. It sort of gave him a bit of relief, knowing that.
“I should have known,” he said to him, “all the good ones are either straight or taken.” Chaim looked at him with a questioning look, but didn’t ask what he’d meant by ‘good’. Surely not him…
“Why did you do it then?” he asked after a long silence. Chaim didn’t answer for a long time, too lost in his own thoughts, trying to come up with an answer he understood. He really didn’t know…or didn’t want to know.
“I just…I just needed…” he shook his head and stared at the stars again. “Nevermind.”
“Look, I won’t understand if you don’t tell me,” Jace said. Chaim sighed and looked back over at him slightly.
“But you don’t want to understand,” he said quietly, “you just want the people you use to disappear when you’re done with them.” He’d known many people like Jace, been burned by far too many people like him.
“If I didn’t want to understand I wouldn’t still be sitting here, would I?” Jace asked, sounding a little insulted. After another brief moment of silence he decided maybe he really didn’t care and started to get up. That was when Chaim decided to explain.
“I just needed…someone,” he said, not even sure he understood that. “I…I was alone, I was upset, and…and that had always worked for me, you know?” At Josh’s hard look Chaim cast his eyes back down to his own hands in his lap. “I thought I would feel better but I didn’t…it just made everything worse.”
“Everything?” Chaim looked back over at him briefly with a slight wry chuckle.
“Don’t cry if I don’t want to tell you all my secrets,” he said defensively. Jace shrugged as if he couldn’t care less.
“I don’t cry,” he replied. Chaim frowned.
“Everybody cries…you’re not human if you don’t cry.” One of his only real friends from home had told him that, the first time he’d ever cried in front of him. It had quickly become his mantra, since after that he’d cried far too much. He had another mantra, one he’d learned from Matt, but that one hurt to think about. He couldn’t think about it without thinking of him. He would have died out there on the streets if it wasn’t for Matt, if it wasn’t for what Matt had taught him. ‘Sex isn’t love,’ Matt had told him, the night he’d first met Todd, and the words had become etched into him like stone. ‘Sex isn’t love…’
He swallowed hard and looked back at Jace, hoping the other boy hadn’t somehow sensed his mood. Jace wasn’t looking at him, and seemed preoccupied with something unpleasant. Chaim looked back up at the stars.
“So how’s your girl?” Jace asked after another long silence. Chaim shrugged slightly under his blanket, trying not to let his hurt show.
“I wouldn’t know,” he said quietly. “She’s in the hospital, and they won’t tell me anything.” He had come close to praying for her many times, but didn’t think G-d would listen to him, not after what he’d done…
“No offence or anything,” Jace said in a tone of voice that told him what he was about to say would offend him, “but how can you be in love with this girl after like, two days? And she’s obviously a psycho if she’s been shipped off to the hospital - I heard what happened, she’d slit her wrists because you kissed her? What a freak!” Chaim’s mouth dropped open and he felt himself go numb again. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing.
“If she’s a psycho,” he said quietly, “I am.” He was upset that she’d tried to kill herself, yes; sad that he couldn’t see her, but he’d never once blamed her for what she’d done. How could he? He’d done it himself. “You don’t understand at all, do you?” he said to Jace, feeling hurt by the other guy’s words. “I thought you were different…”
“Yeah, whatever,” Jace muttered, getting up and turning back to the cabin. Chaim watched him, feeling suddenly empty. He didn’t know how it had happened, but somehow while they’d been talking Chaim had started to care about Jace. He felt bad for him, wanted to be his friend. He sighed softly. ‘Everyone I’ve ever cared about always leaves me,’ he thought sadly, worrying the edge of his blanket in frustration. It wasn’t until he heard Jace’s footsteps pause that he realized he’d spoken his thoughts aloud.
“You can’t care about me,” he said back to him, almost as if he needed him to not care. “I’m not something good.”
“You could be,” Chaim said, not moving to look back at him. “I think we could help each other,” he blurted out, the words coming faster than thought. He turned slightly in his chair to look at him. “I know what my problem is,” he told him honestly, “I love too much. But you…you don’t love at all.” He didn’t realize until it was too late that what he’d said could be hurtful to Jace, not until he’d seen the sadness and anger warring with each other across Jace’s face.
“You think I don’t love?” he said, sounding like someone had just punched him in the stomach. “You think I don’t want to actually love someone? How can you love anybody when you were never fucking loved yourself?” he shouted, no longer caring who they woke up. He turned and stormed back into the cabin, slamming the door on Chaim, who still sat frozen in his chair.
The truth hurt…