I have to admit
This break has been one I've been waiting for to grace my life for at least 4 years. I'm not sure what it is about the break that makes it so much different from the rest, but all that matters to me is how I feel at this very moment in time. I am uber refreshed.
Letting go was difficult for me.. very difficult and toward the fall of 2007 I didn't quite know how to let go without losing everything. I've lost a lot this past year, a lot of things I wanted dearly to hang on to, I wanted dearly to make right. But at this moment I possess a mentality that finally allows me to cope.. and that's what I've been needing all this time. With all that stumbling, I've finally reach a point where it was worth it. I have to still say though: good riddance 2007.
I want to attribute my feelings to the most proximal happenings, but really I can't say that it is or is not. Actually, all I want to say is that I'm glad everything has happened the way it has. For without the bad, I wouldn't have been corralled into my current disposition.
I want so much for this to be more permanent than fleeting and I hope it last long enough for me to understand it. I want to be able to reproduce it, nurture it, and keep it near to me always... but I don't want to be greedy. What is so lovely is that life is not perfection at its current state and yet I'm still okay, better than, actually. Perhaps it was the realization and encounter of my deepest fears, the confrontation, the interaction with those fears that allowed me to see.. it isn't so bad. Perhaps finally pushing the envelope in every direction has allowed me to reveal my current map to life, and for this time I can find contentment...finally.
I still hesitate and I do sense avoidance in myself. But all I need in the coming months is to summon a sense of confidence to just act, to just do, to just finally be.
I want the best, I hope for the best, and I hope that my surroundings will continue to be conducive with the best. I hope that I grow brains for this area of life I've been trying to develop. Just this and a part of me will be more complete. Just this and there will be better balance for my foundation for the future. Just this.
Letting go was difficult for me.. very difficult and toward the fall of 2007 I didn't quite know how to let go without losing everything. I've lost a lot this past year, a lot of things I wanted dearly to hang on to, I wanted dearly to make right. But at this moment I possess a mentality that finally allows me to cope.. and that's what I've been needing all this time. With all that stumbling, I've finally reach a point where it was worth it. I have to still say though: good riddance 2007.
I want to attribute my feelings to the most proximal happenings, but really I can't say that it is or is not. Actually, all I want to say is that I'm glad everything has happened the way it has. For without the bad, I wouldn't have been corralled into my current disposition.
I want so much for this to be more permanent than fleeting and I hope it last long enough for me to understand it. I want to be able to reproduce it, nurture it, and keep it near to me always... but I don't want to be greedy. What is so lovely is that life is not perfection at its current state and yet I'm still okay, better than, actually. Perhaps it was the realization and encounter of my deepest fears, the confrontation, the interaction with those fears that allowed me to see.. it isn't so bad. Perhaps finally pushing the envelope in every direction has allowed me to reveal my current map to life, and for this time I can find contentment...finally.
I still hesitate and I do sense avoidance in myself. But all I need in the coming months is to summon a sense of confidence to just act, to just do, to just finally be.
I want the best, I hope for the best, and I hope that my surroundings will continue to be conducive with the best. I hope that I grow brains for this area of life I've been trying to develop. Just this and a part of me will be more complete. Just this and there will be better balance for my foundation for the future. Just this.