good riddance
What I want to know is - If I'm so flawed then why does anyone even still give a flying fuck?
I am such a selfish person. I am such a selfish, lazy, unmotivated, irresponsible, self-righteous, greedy, jealous, uncaring person. I am prone to hysterics, to tantrums, to my own pathetic pity parties. I get defensive and raise my voice and use sarcastic, snide, condescending, cutting words I know will hurt because somewhere in the process I've convinced myself they will empower me. Because he's right, I nitpick at trivialities so I feel like I'm winning. When in reality I'm just fucking missing the picture. The essentials. What matters.
I am so self-conscious I scrutinise everything to the last detail and cringe at things no one, to be brutally honest, gives a rat's ass about. My friends are probably still my friends only from force of habit rather than actual reliance on me. I busy myself with frivolities so I don't have to worry about the crux of the issue at hand. I used to be able to pick up on the feelings of people around me, but now I'm too absorbed in my own stupid problems to notice. I take the people who matter for granted, and spend all my time wondering how best to coax and engage the others. I'm so disorganised, and the clutter not only exists in the material form and sense but also throughout my life. Most of all, if I can't be responsible for myself, how can I claim to be able to help anyone?
And yet... I've never felt so defeated. I don't remember what people used to like about me. I don't even remember what I used to like about myself. I shouldn't be surprised, but it hurts when you don't recognise yourself anymore. It's hard to be gracious about all this, I'll admit, when I've been hurled criticism for days on end. I started out blaming everyone but myself, but I see where I went wrong now. I promise I'll be submissive eventually, because I've caused enough trouble and misery and grief, haven't I? There is no euphemism for any of it this time, and the reason's attributed more to sheer exhaustion rather than lack of concern.
I am such a selfish person. I am such a selfish, lazy, unmotivated, irresponsible, self-righteous, greedy, jealous, uncaring person. I am prone to hysterics, to tantrums, to my own pathetic pity parties. I get defensive and raise my voice and use sarcastic, snide, condescending, cutting words I know will hurt because somewhere in the process I've convinced myself they will empower me. Because he's right, I nitpick at trivialities so I feel like I'm winning. When in reality I'm just fucking missing the picture. The essentials. What matters.
I am so self-conscious I scrutinise everything to the last detail and cringe at things no one, to be brutally honest, gives a rat's ass about. My friends are probably still my friends only from force of habit rather than actual reliance on me. I busy myself with frivolities so I don't have to worry about the crux of the issue at hand. I used to be able to pick up on the feelings of people around me, but now I'm too absorbed in my own stupid problems to notice. I take the people who matter for granted, and spend all my time wondering how best to coax and engage the others. I'm so disorganised, and the clutter not only exists in the material form and sense but also throughout my life. Most of all, if I can't be responsible for myself, how can I claim to be able to help anyone?
And yet... I've never felt so defeated. I don't remember what people used to like about me. I don't even remember what I used to like about myself. I shouldn't be surprised, but it hurts when you don't recognise yourself anymore. It's hard to be gracious about all this, I'll admit, when I've been hurled criticism for days on end. I started out blaming everyone but myself, but I see where I went wrong now. I promise I'll be submissive eventually, because I've caused enough trouble and misery and grief, haven't I? There is no euphemism for any of it this time, and the reason's attributed more to sheer exhaustion rather than lack of concern.