home is where the heart is....

[motleyprophet]

i should really update this more often.  i only update this only when i get yellled at to, drunk, or i have too much on my mind and i want to explode.  today i found out mom was moving from greenwood lake.  i've spent years waiting for mom to move out of that hel hole.  now that she is i am saddened for some reason and i don't know why just yet.  when i left new  york for here and during the journey down here, i met some great people and my desire to go home i began to question amd then oblitereate any desire i had to go back to gwl.  my desire to go back to gwl go less, but i guess in the back of my mind i knew i could go back.  in the past year i began to weed out true friends from the fakes.  whille it's gotten lonely at points, it's gotten a lot richer more often.  i've gotten closer with good hearted people and lost more of the people that should be lost from everyone.  i've also gained  a lot of good friends (ren, allesia, tom) and grown closer to some of the best friends i've had all along (paul, john, travis), others should be named, but i'm a little too buzzed to elaborate more.   i spent all my childhood moving house to house, town to town. i got used to that, eventually i got accustomed to it. so after a year or two i get the urge to uproot myself and start over, but, and here is the allmighty butt,  i've been in one place for qute a few years now.  i've met wuite a few people i don't want to live anywhere near, but i've also me quite  few that are very dear to me and i don't want to leave. and this drives mea absolutely mad.  i finally get what i want and it makes me the most depressed since i've been down here.  enough of that, i'm just gona drag myself deeper than i should really go tonight.  i finally came clean with  laurren about what goes through my head.  i told her about  jess and what i fell and what not.  while that's a load off my chest, and it put some reason to my actions for her.  another problem seems too have surfaced.  i finally broke down and slept with oni(ok lay, but nothing exciting) and a couple of others, i can't seem to get off any more.  it's sad, i'm more like a woman than i thought.  i need to be in love with someone in order for me to get off during sex.  the other person likes it but i just don' get any satisfaction out of sex if i don' have love, atleast love that is returned to me.  me, the one that swore that loveand sex is seperate for me, finally found a tie between the two, ain't life a bitch.  why can't i get this girl out of my head, this is maddening.  i left new york because i couldn't find a way to get her out of my head.  at first i told myself it was i had nothing better to do between classes, then it was because i couldn't find love, but in the end it wa because i couldn't get rid of her.   on while final note, while this has been depressing enough, one last turn of the knife for you all to bare.  lately i've been a little down about something..  i haven't been able to associate myself with some great achivement, group of peaple, or even something i could say with pride, 'hey, i did that'. i don't know hy , but it's been eating at me.  the idea that i'm a dissapointment to myself and everyone around me.  the wgreat wise and eminent junky once said ' it's not the money you make, but the lives you touch and help for the better that determine the kind of person you are'.  i may have touched many a life, but i still am a dissapointment to myself, i still havent' left my mark on the world around me in my eye. that was my final rant, the world has stopped spinning, i've fucked up enough quotes, it's time to rest.
UPDATE: now mom isn't moving to monticello, but that could change.